I’m in the middle of a meltdown, I’m starting to realise I have been since about the beginning of August. So I’m taking a break.
I have so many things overwhelming right now, the pregnancy, school, Kate not doing well, the poor relationship between Kate’s family and I. I’m starting to realize my biggest fear – loosing the person I love the most.
Last night Kates mother was nice enough to talk to me on the phone for a half-hour at about midnight. I’m learning she really does care – but like me is overwhelmed with things in life.
When I sat and reflected today, I realized my biggest fear is Katelyn not getting better. Its my fault, I had sex, I knew the risks. I sit here and think all the time the reason shes so sick is the pregnancy hormones, its all my fault.
I’m an A type personaility, meaning I need to help and fix things. Its so hard sitting here patiently when you see her melting down on instant messanger, screaming at you on the phone. I have this huge desire just to lay down with Katelyn, and cry holding each other.
People have encouraged me to leave Katleyn, but this is not something I can do. Shes sick right now, and the reason shes sick is my fault. I can not leave someone because of an illness they have – I could not live judging someone like that. I’ve been left because of Aspergers so many times – I can’t do that to her.
I need to appologize to a lot of people, and I’m going to do so publically. I’m going to not do it individually but as there is a whole list. I would like to appologize to Katelyn, Katelyn’s parents, my real life friends, my real life ex friends, the readers of my blog, Katelyn’s freinds, and all the other people I have trashed in my meltdown. I’m sorry.
I’m scared of loosing the two things most important in my life, my lover Katelyn and our child. Knowing the child is kicking and not being able to feel it is painful, but never being able to raise it is more.
I just found an old note Katelyn wrote. Shes quite the poet and she wrote in while she was in the hospital a short time. It reads:
As I sit here in the dark corners of my mind, the demons are screaming at me – run you don’t deserve this, your worthless. But I must fight this time. I will not let them bring me down this time. My heart is his now. He is worth fight for, he cares, he really cares. My heart is his now.
Katelyn, I could say the same thing to you. You will always own my heart. You will always be my lover and I will not leave your side. If you take years to get better I will patiently wait, and I will fight along side you the battle of recovery. You have and would do the same for me.
Right now I am not well. I need to pick myself up off the ground. At this time I will only be making isolated blog posts on my progress as I get better. I am going to leave up all blog posts from the past – as I think its important to show people what happens to the mind during a breakdown.
I plan on sending Katelyn a care package with her winter coat, some pictures of us, some spending money, and a DVD of me talking. She always requested a video of me just talking to her on Youtube – something I never did.
How can you help us? Well I can only speak for me, but prayer for Katelyn, her family, our friends and I would be really nice. Also I’m in a financial pinch because of my meltdown – so if your willing to donate a bit of money to thank me for this blog I would apprecaite it, you can get my email address by clicking the contact me form and emailing me. I’ll respond and give you my paypal email. My stupidity has put me in hole and I need $300 by next tuesday.
I’m sorry to all I have hurt, and thanks for your ongoing support.
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Your unbelievably sick, asking people to pay to read your blog. Have you no pride?
Here Zach, Try these numbers at Santa Anita today and you might solve your money problems:
1. 5- 3
2. 6-4-2
3. 3-1
4. 3-6-8
5. 1-7
6. 7-8
7. 2-8-4
8. 11-6-1
Good luck!
Zach,
Let me start off by saying you and Katelyn, your baby, Suzanne, the rest of your family, your case workers, and everyone closely involved in your lives are in my prayers.
You don’t know me but I feel like I almost know you. I’ve been following both your and Katelyn’s blogs for the last couple of months. I have often wanted to comment just to say “I hear you” or “keep it up” but it never seemed like that would be most helpful so I’ve kept quiet. My name is Nikki, I actually know Katelyn although I haven’t seen her in many years. We were classmates in grade school for a couple of years but have lost touch other than facebooking occasionaly.
I cannot imagine the emotions that each of you go though everyday. Being a young adult is hard enough on it’s own and you are doing a great job making your way through through the extra trials and hardships thrown at you.
I’m not sure I can offer you much help but I will do whatever I can. Financially I am college student struggleing with my own school/car/living expenses so I’m afraid I can’t help you there.
I live in Minnesota so I also am too far away to offer any physical assistance. I have a great pastor at home in Otsego that is always nonjudgemental and full of helpful advice and resources that I could put you in contact with if you would like.
If there is any baby advice I can offer you from afar please don’t hesitate to ask. I don’t have children of my own but I am a full time nanny. I care for three precious little ones and have been their primary caregiver since 3 days after birth when they came home from the hospital. I’ve learned a few tricks and tips over the years. Please don’t hesitate to ask for help. I’ll do whatever I can
Nikki,
Thanks for the great support. I have passed your message onto people that are in touch with Kate as well.
Your prayers are needed and appreciated.
I am concerned
Do you have a professional counselor?
They could help…
Yes,
Just saw them this afternoon.
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