I’m having to face something that I may do not like, I’m always going to be the social equivalent of a two year old. I’ll never be able to socialize like other people with disabilities and normal people do, because I just will never understand it. It seems that many people with Aspergers have a very difficult time with their social lives, while many are brilliant on the IQ scale they are less then adequate on the Social scale.
I was always jealous of Kate and my friends with other disabilities that just affect intelligence. You see its much easier for them to hide the fact they have a disability, because all most people see is the social perception where as I have a difficult time interacting with people. Because of this people don’t know what to do with me, and they just tend to avoid me.
Before I met Katelyn I was happy just living my life, playing on my computer and not giving a care in the world about my social life. Now I want that social life so bad, I want good friends, I want to hang out, I want to get in trouble with friends, but I can’t.
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I feel the same way, I was so happy being in my own bubble etc but that was before I got friends and started dating now everything is a real mess…Now I want that social life and other things that come with it with I can’t for the pure fact that I have little to no social skills and the seeming inability to not say the wrong thing consistently.
They say better to have loved and lost then to have never have loved at all. I beg to differ.
I agree totally with you, I’d rather not have loved and have known and made to feel like I screwed up another person’s life for the pure fact that I am being me.
i don’t socialize outside of my family much. i do have friends.. holdovers from high school days that stand by me no matter what I do or say (or don’t do or say) right. I’m blessed for that…
but I get in messes all the time when interacting with people for work. ALL the time!
That I would change if I could figure out how.
I have a few holdovers from school as well, even some teachers.
Yeah, my teachers rocked at college.
One even tried to help me to prevent me from coming across as a “know-it-all.” He TRIED.
I sometimes still have that problem
I just like to be helpful but it sometimes comes out wrong.
I’ve had teachers try to prevent me as coming across as a know-it-all as well. It didn’t work for the same reason it didn’t with you, I saw it as being helpful.
We seem to have a lot in common, Zach
we are autistic, we are different, we want so much to touch, hold, smell and taste love, sometimes we get a flash, a notion, a shadow, a reflection, sometimes we are loved but we don’t even know it… but all the time, we are inside a silent scream…
Your poem for lack of a better term interests me. What are you trying to say?
Aye, I’ve just started high school, and it is very tough. Now I actually want a social life – I don’t like avoiding people. I’ll be sitting in the libary, and someone will approach me.
“Hey, arn’t you ElectricPlum? I heard you’re smart. Can you help me with my chem homework?”
I’m, like, “UM.”
It’s frustrating, because I can help, and I’d like to, but alarms are going off in my head, and I usually answer with something like, “who are you, and why are you talking to me?” because I can’t think of anything else to say.
I get the same sort of thing with computers all the time. ‘Can you help me fix your computer?’
I have only ever had love from a distance and never dared to act on it. Not had any luck with friends, the one I had from elementary school tricked me into accessory to car theft and naturally is off my extremely short friends list. Still I feel something is missing, I would love to have someone to love that loved me back and could take my “weird” behaviour. Actually wish Aspergers was just as common among females so I could hook up with an aspie chick.
Yeah, I’m an Aspie girl, but all the other kids with asperger’s at my school are guys.
Actually, my boyfriend is an aspie too. We just… click. It’s kind of amazing.
Best of luck to you and your boyfriend.
I too have a poem. I wrote it a few months ago. I do feel though like often times I am not the problem. People once they know I have a lable, which is unavoidable now with how known I am in my state, will litterally imagine issues that I do not have. I feel alot of times that it is not us. It is them. They expect us to adapt, conform, and fit ourselves into thier mold, yet they will not extend to us the same curteousy.
I have found it easy to make friends with fellow eccentrics. Many are on the spectrum but not all. All of us have been outcasts for one reason or another. We are all intelligent, and have wonderful intellectual discussions (which I never had in highschool) and we also do normal things. We go downtown to listen to the bands and a very small but nice bar where I and my better half who is also autistic feels comfortable. Now the poem:
My Face is my Canvas
My face is my canvas
and I paint every day
a display of emotions that would not show
if I did not take the time to fake
being like those in the world around.
My canvas is blank, the tools of my trade,
acting, mimicking, pretending to be just like you.
What effort and skill it takes,
this game of pretending I’m normal too!
Exhausting this sharade!
A sharade put on for a world I can’t touch.
For I am a seperate, isolated being
who can see, touch, and feel your world,
but am seperate, in my own place, not able to be
there without painting my canvas, pretending to be just like you.
For you would never open the door for me,
as I am, not being able to read me or to understand.
What room is there for those not like you, the isolated
in your world were your rules demand
that to particpate I must mimic and make a mask?
And so my face is my canvas.
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