I agree with what Arielle has written: when you can handle “surrounding” yourself with people, be particular about those people. For most of my life, I’ve referred to myself as a Pantheist (more specifically, Scientific Pantheist) until a little more than a year ago when i felt justifiably angry at the actions of another and was on the verge of enacting a form of revenge. I’d bought a book: “The Teachings of Buddha” for a dollar at a Christian thrift shop (which i frequent because they are local, hire and train people with all forms of disabilities). The book was left sitting in my tiny “office” for three days or so. That angry day, i plotted my strategy: walked into my “office” where i had every bit of data about this man. The cover of that book kept grabbing my attention until it seemed to be barking: “Open Me!”

i finally opened to a random page and read: the three great sins of humankind are greed, anger & foolishness. .sounded pretty accurate. i’ve been on the Buddhist path ever since. it’s one i walk, as a friend of mine often says: “alone, but never lonely.”

I paced for three days, reading the book at random and then from cover to cover again and again.. and i gave up my anger & plots of revenge. i understood that i’d been dealing with a foolish person and i’d been a foolish person for giving my time & energy to a fool. i really ought to have known better.

What is painful for me, what will still trigger a melt down: learning that people have lied to me about sacred feelings and actions like Love and Loyalty. This is not only as applied to me, of course. I’ve seen altruistic people stolen from on countless occasions. Even though I *knew* they were being jerked around, ultimately any advice I might have given was ignored. These people often put their tails between their legs and wait for the next whipping. i am the one who tells off the offending person the next time they try to take something more from an altruistic person. i tell them to leave & never return, although i’m on someone else’s “turf”.

One of the most cynical expressions I’ve ever heard: “Do the Christian thing.” i’ve gotten to the point of asking: which BRAND of Christianity..same kind the Romans practiced? A kind of Christianity you just invented?

People ought not mess with the vulnerabilities of others, whether autistic or anything else. When a person is open about having Asperger’s, regardless of medications, alternative treatments or lack of either, there must be one understanding: there is an innocence at the core of the person and rarely does an Aspie enjoy being cornered, lied to or gossiped about. When trust is broken, there is a fair probability it will never return. Gaining the trust of a person like me by using your own tragic “needs”, using the words “I Love You” as others do Vaseline, stealing my time and every possible asset, neglecting animals I entrusted to your care, exploiting my known vulnerabilities to satisfy your lust for adulation.. HEY! You ought to at least have a notion you’re pushing me right up and possibly over the edge.

Again, as Arielle recommended: be with people who are *genuinely* supportive. This means people who really understand what is likely to trigger a melt down in YOU; people who know you have buttons that can be pushed yet never lift a finger to push a single one. I’ve had to curse people out for cornering me, effectively being made homeless by the words I spoke ~ but they were an entirely appropriate defense for me. I’d warned the person to let me be and to quit trying to hug me. Cursing is a far better action than hitting someone else, throwing things, hurting yourself trying to get away from the person or having a full-blown seizure as a last ditch form of escape.

When people attempt to use the fact you are an Aspie against you.. that’s really playing dirty. Avoid anyone who would attempt to “excuse” your “weird” behavior due to a form of autism. Avoid anyone who attempts to “protect” you from the mean, terrible world.. this would include family members who often sincerely believe they are Doing What’s Best For You. People with Asperger’s have ethics out the yazoo and typically can arrive at decisions that make sense *without* anyone directing them to “be good”.

I had ten days of melt down episodes after a woman and her mother, whose yard I worked very hard to maintain, played with the words: “I Love You” and “Mom”. It is in fact the mother who did the greatest harm. My mother abandoned ship when i was seven yrs old. I’ve been through every form of counseling in existence and still there’s this kid inside of me that wished for a kind and loyal mother. So when the mother says, with what appears to be a sweet smile on her face: “Call me Mom. Everyone else does.” I believe she truly feels love for me in that moment. I am moved and I tell her so. It doesn’t occur to me that she is using these words as a strategy, believing she’ll get more work from me by motivating me thus. One day, when I am very upset, I call her: she cuts me with the words spoken icily: “write me when you get settled.” and hangs up on me.

I didn’t call back for about two weeks. And then I did so because she’d said she take a kitten ~ demanded I let no one else adopt her! ~ and (as suspected) there was “just too much going on for her to take a kitten, now. I’m SO sorry, honey.” Yes. Sorry, indeed. I take into account the events in the lives of others and somehow i’m just different enough to imagine these others consider what is happening in my life. I did a lot of backbreaking work for not a lot of money. I did that work because any job I take, no matter how rugged or menial, I do to the best of my ability. I do more than I’m paid to do, strange as that may sound.

I would not allow this woman to adopt this kitten now if she paid me $100 and got down on her knees and begged. Why should I believe: “I’m sorry, honey”?

The people who truly know you and love you will understand and won’t avoid you. They won’t turn their backs when “you’re a mess.”

People who are overprotective are obnoxious, often with the most beautiful of intentions (according to themselves). These people are not YOU. They cannot make assumptions regarding what is “best” for you, nor can they EVER Know How You Feel. Regardless if they are family or “friends”, if they are unhealthy people for you to be around, if they lay guilt trips on you.. you need to make room for those who are there, regardless of rain. Pregnancy was not something i could handle.. but this is likely peculiar to me. I do know it is a tough time and a very emotional time for most women.

I don’t know about you, but solitude and quiet are very important to me in terms of recovery. When i am denied this, i am exhausted and on edge and fall apart at the drop of a hat. If you are able to get time away to think and regain strength, this is what is recommended. By getting away: go where YOU want to go ~ don’t let anyone “arrange a vacation” for you and request (selectively, if your prefer) No Phone Calls.

You need to repair your relationship with yourself before concerning yourself with repairing any with others. Maybe your energy will be of better use of making some new & better friends. The church taking away your dog is what I consider an invasive and cruel action.

As for the comments from “Mother”: I used to work as a Tutor for a young adult whose mother expressed thoughts like these.. and despite the mother’s MSW was a duplicitous, over-indulgent and malicious gossip who taught her sweet daughter to lie, to enjoy gossip and to spend money on ‘business ventures’ that were *impossible* for “her kid”. “Mother” distracted her daughter from the things she was doing well and pumped her full of false hope by telling her that everything “the kid” created was genius, beautiful, a masterpiece when this was definitely not the case. This 19-year-old had dreams of living a full and happy life that were systematically being destroyed by her “by the book” Mother who asserted that HER kid didn’t know HOW to be manipulative, even though her kid thought her Mother could do no wrong and so *emulated* her. The so-called normal Mother was a finger-pointing, litigious, tantrum-throwing, threatening phony. You can guess how “her kid” behaved.

I’m telling you these things because you don’t seem at all outrageous and it seems to me some of these repairs ought to be attempted by the people who are now avoiding you ~ if they are true friends and find the courage to look you in the eyes, again.

Stand up for yourself. No one else will. It has to be you.

Are you getting something to help you, like anti-depressants or vitamin B? Write me, okay?

You CAN do it. Trust me. No matter how bleak it seems.

And I say this: you and your other readers won’t want to hear this, but I saw your suicide posting and am going to be very blunt.

My dad was probably an aspie, and he killed himself, probably thinking it was best for me. He had meltdowns too. Well, he was wrong. What I wouldn’t give to have my dad with me now.

To be direct, Zach, you might want to consider surrounding yourself with folks who support you and do better to understand and account for your meltdowns. Meltdowns are not something you can just turn off like a faucet. But you CAN arrange your life so that you have less of them with less severity. Sounds like the people around you who say they care about you don’t even try to have a clue as to what you are up against. Shame on them.

Surround yourself with people who are going to help you, not hurt you, or run you down, or make you feel guilty.

I realize you are very young and have not had the experience of realizing how toxic people can say they know what is best for you when all they are really thinking about is themselves. The fact that you were actually seriously contemplating killing yourself shows very clearly that the so-called family, friends and experts in your life were NOT helping you, in fact.

Finally, again to be blunt, Christianity is NOT the only religion in around, Zach. And in my long experience, none of the Abrahamic religions are good for us Aspies. I am sorry you are having to be isolated among ignorant religious people who claim to know what is best for you as if THEY are God.

Again, I will be blunt, because I think if you were willing to kill yourself, Zach, if your church buddies didn’t achieve their self profession mission. They didn’t give you the kind of love an support you needed when you needed it most. So, if I were you, I’d get another religion.

In fact, I did do just that when I was in my twenties. I was just where you are when your age, and left the church behind, and it was, by far, the best thing I ever did in my whole life. The years in the church were the most miserable of my entire life. My religious path now works for me.

By leaving the church I did better. So can you.

I am directly telling you this because I guess no one in your part of the country will tell this to your face. I’m hoping you will listen because I don’t want to see the rest of the world lose a great guy like you. We need you Zach. Your daughter needs you.

You have my email address if you ever want to talk. Or maybe someday you will remember my words when you need them.

I sure hope you read this and think about it and not get lost listening to the wrong people for so long like I did.