The Hospitilization

As many of you know, I had a recent hospitalization is a psychiatric facility.  I thought I would blog about my experiences while confined to a hallway for 11 days.  I have been in three psych hospitals in my life, one when I was thirteen, one a few months ago, and this one.  I have to say the hospital I was in this time is the absolute worst psychiatric hospital I have ever seen.  There were no groups, no therapy, nothing.   To top that off there was nothing to do all day but eat, watch tv, make phone calls and sleep.  If you know me personally I’m not a fan of television so most days were full of me trying to work through a lot of thoughts.

My Tail

In the hospital for a while I was assigned a person each shift whos job during the shift was to make me extremely uncomfortable and follow me around.  In the hospital I jokingly called this person “my bitch.”  This person is meant to just make sure you don’t do something stupid until they deem you safe.  I ended up using this person as a sounding board a lot, helping me process things that were causing me to spin.  This was probably the one therapeutic thing that happened to me in the hospital.  This is what got me stabilized in my opinion.

The Lonliness

While in the hospital Kates guardian informed my stoical worker that she no longer wants to see me.  That’s a low blow, personal foul, below the belt blow breaking up with someone while they are hospitalized.  So I got lonely, then angry and decided to take it out on Kate’s mom as I don’t agree with her on some things.  I hate to say it, but it was therapeutic.  After I was done I went right to bed, and they had to wake me up to say Kate’s mom called and complained.

But many people helped me through the loneliness as it hit again, including Kate’s mom.  Three friends and Kate’s mom spent some time each day to talk to me, listen to me cry, and just be there for me through this time.  Then I had another friend bring me real food and Mountain Dew while in the hospital.

Learning

I spent a lot of time analyzing and learning things.  One of the things I started to reassess is if Kate’s mom is really a horrible person like I thought she was.  I know she doesn’t always say the complete truth about things, but I am also starting to realize shes not really that bad of a person.  She has done a lot for me, and I wish I could just do the same for her.

I’ve also started to realize as I started to get overwhelmed how much I hurt Katelyn.  This right now is the biggest pain I feel.  Right now I feel there is no closure, no end – my hope is that Katelyn is just wanting some time to get herself better, and I can take time to get myself better.

The Promise

One of the things I decided in the hospital is that I am going to keep my commitment to Kate.  When I got down on one knee and looked Katelyn in the eye on that February evening and asked her to marry me I promised her I would stick through the thick and thin with her, and my heart would be devoted to her.  I am not going to date anyone but Katelyn, and if Katelyn decides to not be in a relationship with me then I will remain single.

Katelyn had every right to end our relationship right now as shes pregnant, having issues of her own and needs to be looking out for the welfare of our daughter first and foremost.

more to come….