I’m getting really sick of people shoving adoption on Kate and I because of are disabilities. I’ve heard all sorts of lame excuses on why Kate and I as disabled people can not be parents, and frankly they are starting to anger me.I’m aware Katelyn and I are going to need support from those around us, and professional supports to be parents. But it hurts when some of those around us are so heavily pushing adoption that it makes me wonder if they will still be there for us as friends if we decide to raise the child – which we have now already named. Thursday Katelyn and I made a decision that was in error on my part. So many people have been pushing me to pick adoption that I told Katelyn I wanted to put it up for adoption because it was starting me get me angry, and overwhelmed with all the pushing. I spent Thursday and Friday crying because I said that – the truth is I don’t know if I can give up our child.
I’m learning that open adoption really ain’t so open. Its just a gentleman’s agreement, and that adoptive parents can not allow any contact for any reason, or no reason even if its an open adoption. This happens quite often from what Katelyn tells me from her researching this – and it scares me, because I want to always be part of our child’s life.
Then we have people making preposterous statements, that are frankly just idiotic in order to push us up for adoption. The most moronic one I’ve heard so far is:
You and Katelyn will never be able to do anything, you’ll never be able to have sex on the living room floor because people will always be in your house 24/7 helping you raise the kid because of your disabilities.
Now I’m going to point out why the above statement is full of idiocy.
- Having sex on a carpeted floor as Kate and I discovered results in rug burn – sorry had to start our being a smart-butt.
- Why would any parent have sex in the living room period with their kid in the house?
- You give up a lot of freedom being a parent. This does not have anything to do with a disability. Its called being a parent.
If Katelyn and I choose to be parents – we still have not made a decision, then yes I agree were going to need support from professionals, friends and family. However I think the person above is very much so underestimating Kate and I’s capability of raising a child – much like this person underestimates our abilities in everything else.
Related Posts |
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Zach I’ve been reading your blog for a while. The adoption is a decision that only you and Kate should make.
Now regarding that person. I’ve been reading your blog long enough, and now Katelyn’s blog long enough to know that your most likely quoting her mother. I’m guessing your trying to treat her nicely by not stating her name. You need to stop, this woman obviously has no care who she hurts and does not give a fuck about anything but her own agenda.
If I were you I would be taking that wench to court and suing the shit out of her. She needs to learn that this bullshit is unacceptable. You need to quit playing nice with this wench.
I’m going to have to admit, Katelyn and I had a conversation on whether or not to approve this comment. As much as it hurts to say this, but your comment follows the rules and is actually the same advise I have been getting from a lot of people in person.
We approved your comment, because frankly its what advise most people are giving me regarding Kate’s mother. However, I ask that you tone down that statement next time.
As far as suing Katelyn’s mother. I have been very strongly considering it. I’m just afraid of hurting Katelyn any more then this already hurts – but I’m also afraid her mother won’t back down unless I do.
I agree that it is are decition to make. My mom
likes to microw manage things alot. I feel she is afraid for me to sucsead, i feel in there eyes im there 12 year old dauter. My mom
likes to say evan tho you bilogical age is 21 your cronalogical age in some things is 12 or 13. It frustrates me. And i think she needs to get her nose out of our love life.!!!
Yes is the simple answer.
And I really feel that you both could do with independent and very assertive advocates to help you both…
I agree on the need for us to have advocates.
Interesting username, and welcome to the hub!
Well, people with disabilities can be parents!
There’s tons of folks with asperger’s and other things being parents. It’s not easy, it’s hard for anyone to be a parent. Kids involve a lot of work!
But they do it every day!
There’s folks who are deaf, blind and they have kids!
If you want to be a parent hard enough, you can do it…
Though, in some cases open adoption may be open. It varies in every case. But if you don’t want to consider adoption, then don’t do it and ignore these people and cut them out of your life and focus on what you want to do.
Also I suggest reading Sears baby book, as it’s a great book and very gentle and kind to babies not like the sort of scheduling cry it out books out there. Babies need a foundation of love and trust no matter what…
In the end you have to decide… hence writing it out and making a list… It’s not just a “how cute… look there’s baby”… Zach you yourself mentioned when the stress got to you… you had huge anxiety issues. Can you handle them?? Do you have supports for them. Could you run the risk of something going wrong because you couldn’t… Trying to give you the worst case scenerio b/c you have to think that way. Both of you. Do you have the supports??
Here, our local Community Living has a “team” that you can make up and those that are part of your “team” help with providing those extra supports. You make the final decisions, they support them and help you make them happen. They sign on and promise to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done.
As for an open adoption not being open… Lies. That’s what they invented lawyers for and nice tidy legal documents.
Nobody is saying you couldn’t be a parent… but the question is… and having read the last few months of the blog… should you at this time…. could you at this time.
Personally, start walking a lot alone… makes a good time to think about the good and the bad and the maybe’s. In the end… you have to decide.
Actually open adoptions are not open…. its not a legal agreement in Michigan
I just stumbled across your website and I wanted to give you some really good advise. Both of you have to stop worrying, because stress is bad for the fetus, and the pregnancy. Second, both you and your girl should go get around some kids, all types, disabled and regular, somehow, see kids at different ages too, not just babies or five year olds, all ages. Especially meet kids with disabilies that you have, go to some special schools. Doing this will make your decision very clear, either way, i’m not sure what the decision will be, but you guys will see and know. Also realize it’s hard either way. I didn’t know it but my husband and I both have some sort of mild autism, We have a son with autism that is more severe than our autism, but he is the best thing in the world, and we are the best parents ever!!!
Katelyn,
You mother reminds me a lot of my late mother’s.
After I lost my first job at 26, she called me on the phone to tell me to come back home and live with her, because “regardless of how smart you are, you have no common sense”. I told her “but I want…”
She stopped me cold, screaming over the phone: “I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU WANT!”
Something clicked. I paused, and made up my mind for good that I had to be completely independent. “You don’t care what I want? Then goodbye, forever!” I then hung up the phone.
She then sent a policeman after me. When I explained what was going on, he advise me to leave town. So I did. My mother would keep tracking me down to where I was staying using private detectives. It would take years before she decided to give up. But that was the last conversation I had with her before she suicided 4 years later.
The point is this: sometimes a parent can be overly invested in you being dependent on her.. its’ called Munchausen’s By Proxy. The only solution for this is to cut the strings.
Zach,
I actually think you would have a better deal and far better benefits than the fire department, if instead you joined the military. I think Navy would be best for you, with Army as your second best choice. You would also be able to pay off your existing loans with military service. Aspergers’ is not really counted as a disability per se, they consider it more along the lines of a just another personality type. But if your commander is aware that you tend to take orders literally, then he or she will be more than happy to accomodate you.
If you can get yourself enlisted, then you and Katelyn and your child can move into base housing, and that way get out from under your respective mothers’ thumbs.
I am not a military person, although there are times in my life I had considered it. I think you could benefit.
Best,
Aulë
I’ve actually considered the military, and Katelyn and I have discussed it. Perhaps once things settle down we can discuss it again now that our situation has changed.
“Second, both you and your girl should go get around some kids, all types, disabled and regular, somehow, see kids at different ages too, not just babies or five year olds, all ages. Especially meet kids with disabilies that you have, go to some special schools.”
First, that’s fantastic advice for everyone thinking about whether or not to raise a child, no matter if they’re people with disabilities or people without disabilities!
Second, especially meet kids with disabilities that you don’t have! Sometimes a baby is born with a disability or personality difference that his or her parents don’t have. For example, not all children born with blindness have parents with blindness. Sometimes a blind baby is born to parents without a disability, born to parents who talk in American Sign Language instead of spoken English, etc. Likewise, what if your and Katelyn’s baby comes not with your kind of personality but with another disability or personality difference that makes him or her unable to stop overloading your senses (some babies cry *loudly* very *often*)?
I’m also curious. I remember what it’s like to be a child who has a guardian (when I was a kid, my parents were my legal guardians). On the other hand, my parents already had custody of themselves before they had me and had custody of me, instead of still having guardians.
Anyone know what it’s like to be a child who has a guardian who has a guardian?
This post (specifically what you were told) reminds me of something someone said in front of me, about me, as if I wasn’t there, 15 years ago, when I was still in high school: “He will never amount to anything. He will always need support for everything.” (because I have Autism) and it’s just a sad fact of life that many people will push their views on others.
Naturally, I was angry, so I decided to prove them wrong. As soon as I was able to I moved out, even lived in another country for a while, and now I own a 3 Bedroom 1880′s Victorian House with a large yard, which I bought with poverty level without professional or financial assistance. I still have disabilities, but found ways of turning weaknesses into strengths. In thinking outside the box I accomplished things no one else could. I live more than a thousand miles away from everyone who told me I couldn’t and maintain my distance from negative attitudes and they remain shocked at how much I have accomplished. I have been clean of medications for 8 and a half years now and have seen a social services professional in nearly as long. It took my years to gain the stability I always wanted, but I never would have had it if I listened to everyone else.
Now that I am established I would hope, as well, to become a parent in a few years. I was actually searching for cases of disabled parents when I found your article. (I always read up on everything that can go wrong as if preparing for battle to maintain my independence) I was moved by your efforts to make a choice for yourselves and I guess I just wanted you to know that no matter how hard it gets life can and does get better. Sometimes it may seem like it never will, but if you look at the gains of each day eventually you will see how far you have come in the life you create for yourself.