Its time I be honest with myself and others. I have only told half the reason I’m hurting so much, the other half of the reason I’ve been hurting so much is really hard to admit for me. Its even harder for me then admitting my sexual problems, which also has been the source of a lot of pain. I can’t be a parent right now. I’m not stable, financially ready, emotionally ready, or have the necessary resources to raise a child. It hurts a hell of a lot to admit that, I mean I’m basically grieving the loss of my kid – because I’m not fit.
This morning I made calls to Kate’s guardian, Kate’s mother and emailed a few people who butt I tore open on here apologizing for me being so hurtful. Its very hard to admit your not ready to raise a kid, and have to give it up. Friday late afternoon I found out it was a healthy baby girl, and that made it so much worse.
So right now I’m grieving the loss of our baby girl, and I’m having to grieve alone. I knew for months I would not be able to raise this kid, but it was just too hard for me to admit publicly. I know how torn up I am right now, I can only imagine what Katelyn is going through with the baby inside her. All I know is right now I need to be there for her, and I heard yesterday from a mutual friend she wanted me at her appointment still. Its killing me inside.
I need to get stable so I can be there for her, but how does one expect me to get stable on my own. While I’m grieving the loss of my child, without the person I love the most being able to hold me. Me being able to hold her. Right now I need her so much.
I just hope its not too late to repair the damage I’ve done, because I could not admit the truth.
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This post reminds me of a thread I once saw:
http://www.aspiesforfreedom.com/showthread.php?tid=12544
Someone asked for advice on whether or not to have kids. Most of the parents responding don’t regret it, and most of the responders (parent and non-parent alike) don’t seem to think NT children are any worse than AS children (although when one looked on the bright side of her NT son’s future because he has good social skills despite his low grades and one can succeed without top grades, another gave a response that boiled down to “don’t you want some other kind of son, kids without social skills can get by on top grades instead)”.
One poster, at http://www.aspiesforfreedom.com/showthread.php?tid=12544&pid=193188#pid193188 , brought up this point:
“If your main experience with newborns is just via TV, i highly recommend you see them “live” (in the flesh) – get acquainted to what a screaming newborn sounds like (regardless of sensory-integrative issues vs “the normalcy that needs to be erradicated”)…
“…If you see a mother, with a screaming newborn – hmm…. all these social ??? to seem any attempt to “HELP” as being completely inappropriate. Then again, i know of so many new mothers, being so tired of the “judgement” they face from people because they have newborns that fail to remain “silent” (NT or otherwise)…
“better to have close friends, who give birth to the newbies…. friends, who would be etternally grateful, if you could just hold their screaming kid in yoru arms for a few hours, whilst poor mum’n'dad can gain some sleep…
“get the hands-on experience/closeness – be there, for parents who endure something like childbirth – see it for your own eyes, before watching it through some video on a screen at a birthing seminar…”
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nt it bad enough to do ANYTHING to keep your child. Even if it means working up to three jos. And how do you know that your child will not be adopted to someone in worse circumstances than yourself. You are taking an awesul risk at haing a stranger raise your child. And sometimes that risk can be a great mistake. Think it over my friend. It really can be done!
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