Its time I be honest with myself and others. I have only told half the reason I’m hurting so much, the other half of the reason I’ve been hurting so much is really hard to admit for me. Its even harder for me then admitting my sexual problems, which also has been the source of a lot of pain. I can’t be a parent right now. I’m not stable, financially ready, emotionally ready, or have the necessary resources to raise a child. It hurts a hell of a lot to admit that, I mean I’m basically grieving the loss of my kid – because I’m not fit.
This morning I made calls to Kate’s guardian, Kate’s mother and emailed a few people who butt I tore open on here apologizing for me being so hurtful. Its very hard to admit your not ready to raise a kid, and have to give it up. Friday late afternoon I found out it was a healthy baby girl, and that made it so much worse.
So right now I’m grieving the loss of our baby girl, and I’m having to grieve alone. I knew for months I would not be able to raise this kid, but it was just too hard for me to admit publicly. I know how torn up I am right now, I can only imagine what Katelyn is going through with the baby inside her. All I know is right now I need to be there for her, and I heard yesterday from a mutual friend she wanted me at her appointment still. Its killing me inside.
I need to get stable so I can be there for her, but how does one expect me to get stable on my own. While I’m grieving the loss of my child, without the person I love the most being able to hold me. Me being able to hold her. Right now I need her so much.
I just hope its not too late to repair the damage I’ve done, because I could not admit the truth.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
That’s a mature thing to admit, though I must say MOST people who have kids aren’t ready to be parents financially, emotionally.
Perhaps admitting it is the first step to taking the steps to become mature enough to be a parent, as parenting is about hard work and sacrifice…
So do not lose hope… Maybe it could be done with support I hope you’ll be able to find.
Well I’ve made my decision. Its time to face the facts.
“I’m grieving the loss of our baby girl” WHAT???? Obviously you don’t understand what being a parent means, or something???? OK, I just started to have a good relationship with my Dad 6 years ago. He was really young(and irresponsible)and an alcohlic when I was born, and he was a horrible husband for my Mom, the first time I remember meeting him was when I was 4, saw him again at 8, 10, and 12 years of age. Then I didn’t talk to him from the time I was 18 until I was 22 at all, he has always lived across the country from me. But 6 years ago we made up, and he is my DAD, and we have a great relationship. By the way, we aren’t dead yet and I plan on spending many more years with him as my Dad, so why can’t you be a parent???? I think you are scared shitless just like anyone else who is going to have a baby, and unprepared, but if you make an effort to do the best you can, hopefully you can do better than my Dad.
I can’t provide what a child needs right now, and it hurts a lot to admit that.
I have aspergers and children and while it can be hard it can be rewarding.
Last week my partner gave birth to our second son (the first one is now 11 years old and is also an aspie) and it’s a joyous time. Sure it’s hard but life is hard and the rewards you get from bringing up your family are better than anything else.
It doesn’t matter how hard it is and how stressful you find things they will improve and the good parts are worth ever second of stress and worry.
My main reason for posting is the fact you think you are grieving a child. Last weeks birth was our third child we grieved for a daughter last year and I have one child for who I don’t have any good memories just a stone I visit and leave flowers on. You know nothing about grief for a child right now but you have to think hard before making a decision like this because you won’t even have a place to leave flowers.
With the right support you can do anything in life and children are so rewarding I don’t want to see you miss out on that.
Even if you are unable to provide for your daughter I hope you don’t think that means you should have no relationship at all. I have an 11 year old son whose father decided he was incapable of being a good parent. He has not seen him since he was 3 and the last time he spoke to him on the phone he was in 2nd grade. I have tried to explain to him that it’s important for him to be able to say he knows his father. A child will only feel the rejection. I hope you are a part of your daughter’s life even if you don’t have full responsibility. I don’t think you will regret it. I think being the kind of parent you want to be is an attainable goal and I admire that you want to be that.
I plan on visiting the child on a regular basis, and being part of its life.
You need to provide what you can provide, even if it’s just being around the child and being supportive, buy some diapers, something, come on man, you don’t have to be perfect, and you don’t have to do it all….just do something. Make that effort, you will be sucessful and rewarded in the long run. Send your girl some flowers with a nice letter, she’s pregnant, I’m sure she needs a friend right now. It’s OK not to have money or a house , but it’s inexcusable not to show the love. BTW that baby is going to be your family for the rest of your life, you have many years to step up, show you care, that’s what I was trying to say in my last post.
Sometimes love means making rough decisions that kill you inside order to make sure someone else has a fair chance to live a successful life.
I don’t have the resources right now to parent, and it would not be fair to the child to be raised by Katelyn and I. Believe me, I don’t want to put the child up for adoption, it kills me inside. But I feel its right.
How does Katelyn feel? Does she want to put the child up for adoption?
I don’t know for sure to be honest as I have had no direct contact with her. Word from mutual friends is that she is thinking adoption is best as well.
Zach,
Nobody is ever ready to be a parent. Children come along and all the rules go out the window. That’s one of the reasons why I have problems with kids today blaming their parents for everything. It’s really hard.
There’s no shame in admitting that you’re not ready.
I’d still advise against an irreversible move like putting your child up for adoption. Instead, why not talk with Kate’s mother and see if you can have a hand in raising her.
You need to consider what the long-term effects of adoption could be for Kate. I know mothers who were so torn up about adoption decisions they made that the effects have stayed with then for 20+ years.
nt it bad enough to do ANYTHING to keep your child. Even if it means working up to three jos. And how do you know that your child will not be adopted to someone in worse circumstances than yourself. You are taking an awesul risk at haing a stranger raise your child. And sometimes that risk can be a great mistake. Think it over my friend. It really can be done!
This post reminds me of a thread I once saw:
http://www.aspiesforfreedom.com/showthread.php?tid=12544
Someone asked for advice on whether or not to have kids. Most of the parents responding don’t regret it, and most of the responders (parent and non-parent alike) don’t seem to think NT children are any worse than AS children (although when one looked on the bright side of her NT son’s future because he has good social skills despite his low grades and one can succeed without top grades, another gave a response that boiled down to “don’t you want some other kind of son, kids without social skills can get by on top grades instead)”.
One poster, at http://www.aspiesforfreedom.com/showthread.php?tid=12544&pid=193188#pid193188 , brought up this point:
“If your main experience with newborns is just via TV, i highly recommend you see them “live” (in the flesh) – get acquainted to what a screaming newborn sounds like (regardless of sensory-integrative issues vs “the normalcy that needs to be erradicated”)…
“…If you see a mother, with a screaming newborn – hmm…. all these social ??? to seem any attempt to “HELP” as being completely inappropriate. Then again, i know of so many new mothers, being so tired of the “judgement” they face from people because they have newborns that fail to remain “silent” (NT or otherwise)…
“better to have close friends, who give birth to the newbies…. friends, who would be etternally grateful, if you could just hold their screaming kid in yoru arms for a few hours, whilst poor mum’n'dad can gain some sleep…
“get the hands-on experience/closeness – be there, for parents who endure something like childbirth – see it for your own eyes, before watching it through some video on a screen at a birthing seminar…”
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