Lets face it… I have nothing to be thankful for. I’ve lost the only family I ever had. I’m going to loose my daughter never seeing her, I’ve never seen Kate while she was showing even.
I’ve lost all thats important to me, and there is no hope for getting it back.
I have nothing, and nothing to be thankful for.
Everyone expects it to get better.
I’ve lost everything. Its not going to get better. The pain only gets worse.
Related Posts |
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Is Katelyn’s dad not talking anymore?
Katelyn’s dad is talking, but he can’t change the fact I will never see my daughter, that I haven’t talked to Katelyn in forever and that the guardian has no care about my stability.
This guardian thing puzzles me…
Is there no way to cmplain to someone about this person – clearly that person is not doing their job properly…
Her job is to look out for Kate’s interests not mine.
“Her job is to look out for Kate’s interests not mine.”
And is it really in Kate’s interests (legally speaking) to come between you two? There’s something doesn’t ring quite right about that situation with that guardian. Can’t put my finger on it… but – from what I know about guardianships, such total control varies markedly from looking after someone’s interests. Based on my own professional training, I’m suspicious of that guardian.
He may not be able to change the situation, but it sounds like he’s willing to listen, and help you sort through things as best he can, which would seem to indicate that he cares about you. I’m guessing that his willingness to do that also indicates that he’s quite a forgiving person, seeing as he and his family have had to deal with things said in meltdown. If nothing else…well, if it were me, I think I’d be thankful for that.
Well I found out the Kate’s dad has been lying to me again about some very serious things.
I don’t know whether hes lying to try and keep me stable, or to just get me out of his life – but either way it hurts.
Oh no. I am so sorry to read this.
Especially in light of yesterday’s “things to be thankful for” post. I thought the things you posted there, were great things to be thankful for. Have you lost sight of that?
I’d say yes. It can be hard to keep sight of things to be thankful for and happy about…
And I so wish that Zack could keep them in sight. He so needs to just now.
I can’t lie to myself anymore. My life sucks, lying to myself just sets myself for failure
Well, I can certainly relate to that feeling …
But that’s when black-and-white thinking takes hold, and that can take one down a very dark allwy and beat one up emotionally…
Have you talked with Katelyn’s dad today?
Not yet, I call in the afternoons
I’ve decided I want to die, I’m just scared of dying alone.
That is a feeling I can understand. I’m not going to tell you that it’s all gonna be alright if you stay alive: it isn’t necessarily going to.
I wish I knew what I could say or do to at least change your mind and least for a while, to sort these issues out.
I’m loosing hope that the issues will be sorted out.
and I’m sad about that :/
I do know from where you are coming from Zack. And I know you can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. But a wise man once said that there is one thing that always holds true. “This too, shall pass.” No darkness lasts forever my friend. I know it seems that way. Believe me, no one understands better than me! And when you are in your own Inferno, it is hard to see anyway out.
But that does not mean that there insn’t a way. I like to say that I lived in the 9th Circle of the Inferno, stared in the eyes of the devil, and lived to tell the tale. I began to climb through each of the circles of hell, each with lesser and lesser torment. The positive thing was, though in hell, I was making my way up, there was progress, and that is positive!
And now I’ve managed to crawl out of the Inferno and am on the mountain of Purgatorio, with the light of Heaven in my sights! Which means I will be tested as I go on my climb, but the hope and light I could not see, because I kept fighting, I eventually was able to see with my eyes.
Kind of a weird analogy I know. I’m a huge fan of Dante Alegheri’s The Divine Comedia as I’m sure you can tell, but even though it’s dark, there is also hope in it.
You my friend are in your 9th Circle staring at the devil. Now turn around, and slowly, begin your climb up.
*hug*
Okay, sorry about what happened above — I’m helping my dad with dogs while my mom’s away (they’re breeders) and just got called out to provide assistance, and when I went to hide the keyboard and mouse from my cats, a couple keys got pressed and it got submitted.
Anyway…know whether hes lying to try and keep me stable, or to just get me out of his life – but either way it hurts.
Well, yeah, of course. It creates trust issues. I would guess it may be an attempt to keep you stable, as he probably wouldn’t be willing to talk to you if he just wanted you out of his life. Still though, either way it hurts.
If I may offer a suggestion? It might not be a bad idea to say something, as calmly as you can, something to the effect of: “I realize you may be trying to keep me stable by lying about things that you feel that the truth might cause me harm, but it still is hurtful. It makes me wonder if you’re just trying to get me to go away, and even if that’s not the case, it makes it hard for me to trust you, which in turn lessens my stability. It would be better if we can be honest with each other.” Or something like that.
Of course, not sure if that’s the best approach as I don’t know him. It might put him on the defensive. But I am wondering if it might be helpful to make the point that if he’s lying to protect your stability, the trust issues it creates kind of defeats that purpose.
Its too late, I already sent him a stupid email.
Want a tip on e-mails? If so, let me know.
You may actually find that it’s useful.
Sure….
also make sure your posts follow the comment rules posted at http://www.aspieweb.net/about/rules-comments/
I had to delete your previous comment
Emails…
Once you’ve written an email about something… and if it’s full of emotion more than information … save it and write another one or wait about half an hour before you send it. Gives you time to calm down emotionally.
Sounds a silly idea, I know. But it could save you from burning too many bridges.
First of all, suicide is never the answer. Second of all, you are stronger than this. Get yourself together, and get yourself out of this destructive depression. We care about you and there is much to be thankful for.
Things to be thankful for:
You are a father. (whether or not you’ve seen or heard a kick as of yet does not deny the fact that you have a child in this world) You love your child now, even though you haven’t even seen your baby. That love is rare, when in this day and age, most children hunger for a love like you display for your child. Your child is already blessed to be loved even before they were born. Let that love raise you up, not bring you down.
Kate. Regardless of where you are now, she has brought joy into your life. Get yourself together so when the time comes, you can be there for her.
Friends. The people who will tell you to fight the good fight and bring you up.
Online Community: Those who care about you. We do.
Life: Life is worth Living. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. You are helping people you don’t even realize and may never realize until Heaven. Being that hope for others is a responsibility. If you can’t handle that, then it’s time to get off the blogosphere until you do. Be the change you wish to see.
We love you and are rooting for you.
Kate does not want me to be there. I’m a fuckup.
Okay – I’ll tell it straight.
You’re not.
“Get yourself together, and get yourself out of this destructive depression.”
Okay, I totally realize that your post was meant to be supportive to Zach. I totally get that. But the quote above struck me as rather insensitive and possibly counterproductive.
I have been on the receiving end of similar “get over it” type of sentiments Fortunately, and something I’m very thankful for, I don’t seem to be as depression prone as some, but I tend to get anxiety and sometimes it is to the point of being practically paralyzed by it. And I have had people, well meaning as they were, say things along the lines of ‘snap out of it’. Gee, never thought of that, great idea (sarcasm)! The truth is when one is debilitated by some kind of emotional/mental health disorder, be it depression, anxiety, or whatever it may be, it’s not something one can just snap out of. Were I able to snap out of an anxiety episode when it happens, I’d gladly do it. Likewise, if Zach were able to snap out of his depression, I have no doubt he’d gladly do it. Thing is when anxiety or depression or things of that nature (everyone gets depressed or anxious at times) is severe enough to be a disorder, it’s not something one can just snap out of, or get over.
Again I really do understand you were trying to be supportive. And I mean absolutely no offense. And perhaps I misunderstood the meaning of that statement, and if so, I apologize. But if you did mean basically ‘get over it’, well, I can say from experience that it’s really not as helpful as you mean it to be.
Zach,
Nothing changes without pain.
Things will get better but not without some serious commitment and pain from you.
You need to stop finding enemies and start finding friends. You need to get off the bandwagon you’re currently on which goes round in circles.
You need to get on with your life by yourself and start “living it”.
Most importantly, you need to be proving to everyone that you can be stable and supportive. Right now, nobody will want you to bring up a child – they’ll probably be thinking twice about letting someone who is feeling so unstable and suicidal near a child.
You need to get yourself together – and then things will come together for your new family.
Our daughter is going up for adoption. Its the right thing to do.
I agree with that.
But Zach, for what it’s worth – remember this;
Everybody makes mistakes. You aren’t human if you don’t mistakes. You admitted yourself that you’ve stuffed up. The whole problem here is that you are letting that stuff up dictate your life. The liars around you aren’t helping of course, and in fact they have a part to play. It is NOT your fault entirely with what has happened. The initial foul up may have been yours, but the reaction by others has been out of proportion to what you did. You may think differently, but that’s what THEY want you to think. They can’t tell you how to think, Zach. No one, NO ONE has the right to do that.
What hasn’t helped is that lack of support from the state.
Zach – you are a victim. You can’t burden yourself with the guilt that has been thrust upon you – that is what is really hurting you.
I know you’ll always have a place in your heart for Katelyn, but I think you should consider moving away from Kalamazoo. Make a clean start. Make sure there is support where you are going. Someone else here may have a few ideas – because there’s no way you could move here to Australia! I don’t know what services are like in neighbouring states like Indiana in particular, and maybe Ohio or Illinois. Maybe someone may be able to help you move financially as well.
Katelyn knows your website is here. If she is ready to contact you down the track, you’re here. That’s the beauty of the Internet.
I hope I’ve helped you out even just a little bit.
“Everybody makes mistakes. You aren’t human if you don’t mistakes. You admitted yourself that you’ve stuffed up. The whole problem here is that you are letting that stuff up dictate your life. The liars around you aren’t helping of course, and in fact they have a part to play. It is NOT your fault entirely with what has happened. The initial foul up may have been yours, but the reaction by others has been out of proportion to what you did. You may think differently, but that’s what THEY want you to think. They can’t tell you how to think, Zach. No one, NO ONE has the right to do that.”
(Bold emphasis mine)
I agree with Timelord here, especially with what I have bolded.
Actually, Zach, since you are a Christian (as am I) I’d like to put a theological spin on the situation if you don’t mind. Just an assessment I’ve made: You seem to torture the total crap out of yourself for the sin of sex before marriage. If all of us tortured the crap out of ourselves for every sin we commit, my goodness, we’d probably all be depressed and/or suicidal. Is God not able and eager to forgive you and bring you peace?
I just did a little Bible searching, and found a verse that I hope helps you:
1 John 1:9 (ESV)
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Please notice the verse says confess…it does not say we must punish ourselves for the rest of our lives in order to be forgiven. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be remorseful/repentant, but rather, if God loves us enough to not hold every sin over our heads, perhaps we shouldn’t hold it over our heads either.
My prayer is that this is helpful.
“Once you’ve written an email about something… and if it’s full of emotion more than information … save it and write another one or wait about half an hour before you send it. Gives you time to calm down emotionally.
“Sounds a silly idea, I know. But it could save you from burning too many bridges.”
It’s not silly at all! In fact, it’s a good idea for less-emotional emails too!
Once you’ve written an email about something… and if it’s full of information more than emotion … save it and wait until the next day before you send it. That’ll give you time to see it again with refreshed eyes and catch any typos you didn’t notice the first time around!
No, I didn’t mean, “Snap out of it.” I appreciate the criticism though.
I don’t know Zach personally. What I meant is, if he needs to take his meds, see someone, talk to someone, focus on the positive versus the destructive negative, even if he doesn’t want to, he MUST do so.
I’ve lost 2 cousins to suicide, and Zach is like a friend. I did intend that he focus on hope. I’m praying for Zach and Kate. And thank you. I really do appreciate the constructive criticism and hope to convey what I mean better in the future.