So I’m engaged and soon to be married to a lovely women who has a disability as well. She has had a few open heart surgeries to correct a defect in her heart. She has grown up her entire life being told from her mother that she would die if she got pregnant due to her heart….. well we just found out its a lie – her heart is not an issue in her having kids.It all started back when I went with her to a yearly checkup – she asked her primary care doctor if she could have kids, and the doctor saw no issue but referred her to a cardiologist for a solid decision. At that point we told her mother and her mother insisted the cardiologist told her that my fiance would die if she got pregnant – a ‘fact’ that she even brought my fiance’s therapist in on to get on both of our cases.
Well last week comes around and we were sitting there talking to the cardiologist and we find out that her heart is completely repaired and there is no significant health issue for her having kids, but there may be a two to four percent chance her child may inherit her heart defect. At this point in the room my blood is boiling, I can literally feel my face warm like I was staring into the sun.
My fiance then approached her mother about this – and her mother still insists she isn’t lying then starts yelling at Kate when she gets upset and then yells at me. I told her that she should not be yelling at either of us because she was caught in a lie and she owed both of us an explanation due to the fact she told me this as well and I was planning on going through with a vasectomy.
‘Too Stupid To Have Kids’
She then after yelling for a half hour and kicking me out of her house calms down and says would you of rather told her your too stupid to have kids, or said you have a bad heart – and yes those were her exact words. I calmly told her that it has already been a topic of discussion for Kate and I that our disabilities would effect our ability to be the parents our children would need, and no I would not of lied. She then kept asking the same question over, and over again – and then huffs off.
Since that day she has accused me of being controlling, abusive and manipulative because I’m upset at the fact as a couple we were lied too, and my fiance was lied to her entire life. My fiance is scared of her mother right now – but also has a hard time telling her mother that because her mother insists she did not lie, nor did she do nothing wrong.
I understand that her mother did this out of love, and to protect her daughter – but parent’s really need to look at the longer term repercussions for the decisions and ‘white lies’ they tell their children. Also when they are caught in these situations – they need to fess up and apologize for their actions, because in most of these situations – the lie will only last so long, just like Santa Clause.
I would like to know two things, if you were a parent Would you lie to your child in this manner, and is it even acceptable? and as the fiance who has to her through this right now What can I do to help my fiance?
It should be noted that Kate’s mother is not a horrible person, and it is quite common for parents of special needs individuals to be over protective and have a hard time letting go
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
As a parent, I don’t think this it is acceptable to lie to one’s child about something like this — or any important issue, for that matter. It can be difficult for a parent to let go, but one’s children grow up and must (if possible) become responsible for themselves. And it’s always important to tell the truth.
That’s a really major abuse of parental authority and I can’t see how anything could justify this level of deception, given the circumstances.
As for how to help your fiancé? Well, just be there for her, listen and remember it’s about you and her. Not her Mum. She’s going to have to find something else to occupy herself. Her little girl has grown up…
Tell her your kids will be brought up right, with honesty and selfless love.
Nope, not acceptable at all. When your fiance became an adult it became her decision to make. I will, when he’s an adult, tell my son what I think, make sure he has all the facts he needs to make a decision, and then step back and watch him guide his own life. It’ll probably be very difficult for me, but essential for him.
Being deceptive “out of love” is neither loving nor respectful.
Lying to someone – much less an adult, who is responsible for their self – about important medical background doesn’t strike me as a particularly good idea. Especially not in this case where it caused a fear of DEATH that was not based in fact. That kind of thing can seriously impact quality of life.
Additionally, I find it pretty weird that she called you “manipulative” for seeking the truth in a situation where she was quite obviously lying, to manipulate.
Sorry to hear about that situation… I don’t have any advice.
What the others said (no, it’s not right to lie to your kids about something this important).
One word of caution. Don’t get between your fiance and her mother. Be supportive of your fiance, but don’t put down her mother (I know that sounds contradictory, but try, anyway). Your fiance’s relationship with her mother may never be fully repaired, but it will probably be somewhat repaired over time, especially if they had an otherwise loving relationship. You don’t want to be the “odd one out”.
Joe
Holy crow, that’s bad. Having kids is something people should never be tricked out of, or into, for that matter. It’s such a profound experience. I haven’t been able to have them (yet), and may be too old now, and that was me being denied by poverty and isolation. I would despise anyone who lied to me like that. It would be like assuming that I was not good enough to love and be loved, and setting it up so that I couldn’t be.
I don’t know what you can do for your fiancee, other than let her work through it at her own pace, and be honest about what it’s like for you when she asks.
I’m a parent of two kids with disabilities and have told them the truth since they were diagnosed. I believe that the truth always comes out and the lies make the truth harder to handle.
As far as helping your finance, I recommend two things: First be confident in handling the decisions about the future yourself and removing uninvited parties, like her mother, from the decision making. The choices are yours an no one else’s. Secondly, to help reduce the level of emotion, which will be incredibly hard, try to view her mother’s actions as misguided rather than malicious. Viewing them as misguided recognizes that she may have things to learn herself. She may be wrong, but not necessarily a bad person. Give her time to learn and grow and see what happens.
That really upset me-I don’t think that lying to your children is acceptable at all…sometimes what is looked upon as “an act of love” is truly an act of selfishness…Thank you for the post…it made me think about my own kids growing up, and how I look upon it.
If I were you, I’d just be supportive–let her talk or let her stew in silence. Ask her how you can help. I think she’s probably going to have to take some time to think about this and figure out what it means to her; because that is a huge thing to learn and it’s not something you can just understand right away. For that matter, it’ll probably take you a little while to internalize it, too. Betrayal by a parent is probably one of the worst things that can happen to somebody.
My mom has lied to me on more than one occasion. Notably, she kept my autism secret from me for many years, while telling me I was lazy and badly behaved and should try harder. I find this completely inexcusable, though her aim was most likely to make me try to “overcome” my autism. (I didn’t, of course; I started truly making progress when I was finally informed that I was autistic.) To this day I tell parents with newly diagnosed children, “Tell your child. He deserves to know.” A three or four year old may only be able to understand a little, but he deserves to be told something so important.
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