Parental Lies Hurt

So I’m engaged and soon to be married to a lovely women who has a disability as well.  She has had a few open heart surgeries to correct a defect in her heart.  She has grown up her entire life being told from her mother that she would die if she got pregnant due to her heart….. well we just found out its a lie – her heart is not an issue in her having kids.It all started back when I went with her to a yearly checkup – she asked her primary care doctor if she could have kids, and the doctor saw no issue but referred her to a cardiologist for a solid decision.  At that point we told her mother and her mother insisted the cardiologist told her that my fiance would die if she got pregnant – a ‘fact’ that she even brought my fiance’s therapist in on to get on both of our cases.

Well last week comes around and we were sitting there talking to the cardiologist and we find out that her heart is completely repaired and there is no significant health issue for her having kids, but there may be a two to four percent chance her child may inherit her heart defect.  At this point in the room my blood is boiling, I can literally feel my face warm like I was staring into the sun.

My fiance then approached her mother about this – and her mother still insists she isn’t lying then starts yelling at Kate when she gets upset and then yells at me.  I told her that she should not be yelling at either of us because she was caught in a lie and she owed both of us an explanation due to the fact she told me this as well and I was planning on going through with a vasectomy.

‘Too Stupid To Have Kids’

She then after yelling for a half hour and kicking me out of her house calms down and says would you of rather told her your too stupid to have kids, or said you have a bad heart – and yes those were her exact words.   I calmly told her that it has already been a topic of discussion for Kate and I that our disabilities would effect our ability to be the parents our children would need, and no I would not of lied.  She then kept asking the same question over, and over again – and then huffs off.

Since that day she has accused me of being controlling, abusive and manipulative because I’m upset at the fact as a couple we were lied too, and my fiance was lied to her entire life.  My fiance is scared of her mother right now – but also has a hard time telling her mother that because her mother insists she did not lie, nor did she do nothing wrong.

I understand that her mother did this out of love, and to protect her daughter – but parent’s really need to look at the longer term repercussions for the decisions and ‘white lies’ they tell their children.  Also when they are caught in these situations – they need to fess up and apologize for their actions, because in most of these situations – the lie will only last so long, just like Santa Clause.

I would like to know two things, if you were a parent Would you lie to your child in this manner, and is it even acceptable? and as the fiance who has to her through this right now What can I do to help my fiance?

It should be noted that Kate’s mother is not a horrible person, and it is quite common for parents of special needs individuals to be over protective and have a hard time letting go

Tagged as: child, children, Disability, disabled, parent, parenting, special needs