I’ve Lost

I’m just sitting here thinking of how much I’ve lost and how there is no hope to have any of it back.  People keep saying I will be able to get these things back, but I know the truth.  I know I will never see these things again, and the only reason they say I might is just to try and make me feel better.  To be honest this attempt to make me feel better just angers me even more.  I have to face the fact I’ve lost these things forever, and it hurts when people tell me its still possible.

 

 

I’ve lost my lover and best friend Katelyn.  She meant the world to me, I could talk to her about anything.  There were things I shared with her that I could share with no one else, and now shes gone.  She will never be allowed to talk to me again because I was scared and said some dumb things. I was scared she was going to die during the pregnancy, I was scared I would loose my daughter.  I miss Katelyn so much, she was the best thing to ever happen to me other then being saved by God.

I’ve lost my daughter.  I’ve never even known her.  The only picture I have of her is from a 5 week ultrasound I went to with Kate.  Shes just a dot barely visible.  I never saw Kate when she was showing, the last time I saw her she was flat stomached.  Now I’m learning I will never be part of my daughter’s life.  I will never be able to be there for her, be there at her wedding, hold her when she cry’s, any of that.  There is no hope of ever being part of her life.

 

I’ve lost my place in the fire academy.  I worked so hard to clean up my life and get in the fire academy.  When I learned about the pregnancy I made some stupid choices because I was scared.  Now I will never be able to peruse the dream of being a fire fighter.  I doubt even a fire extinguisher company would even hire me.  Being a firefighter was something I wanted so much, something I worked hard to get into, and something I will never be able to see.  I miss the times of being in the academy so much.

 

I’ve lost my dog Lucky.  My dog was the last loyal thing I had in my life who was always there for me.  He helped me through it so much and now I’ve lost him as well.  He would lay with me all night long and lick the tears away from my face when I cried.  My dog was my second best friend, and now hes gone too.  He was the last thing I had that kept me going. I remember when I would get upset and cry he would come right up to me as if he knew something was wrong and knew I needed him.

I’ve lost my spot as the sound technician at our church.  I miss being able to do that so much, and I looked forward to it ever week.  It helped me so much feel safe while worshiping God and it helped me be part of a group of people and be understood.  I still have the temptation to go in the sound booth at church and play with things in the booth.  Doing things in the sound booth helped me worship God, help others worship God and gave me a technical challenge that I enjoyed.

I’ve lost those long boring nights where Katelyn and I would do things like drive through the McDonald’s drive through backwards, go to the 24 hour department store and try on weird looking clothes or just sit on the top of the parking ramp overlooking the city and talk.  I’ll never have those nights again, and the nights are now so long and lonely for me.  I’m scared each night to fall asleep, so I just sit and cry for hours until I can’t stay awake anymore.

So the truth is, yes I struggle with thinking about suicide every day.  My life is in shambles and there is no way to get it back.  I’ve lost pretty much so everything.  Yes, I have a plan on killing myself and everything.  The only thing that holds me back is I don’t want to hurt Katelyn and my daughter Julia.  But the pain of loosing all this is just too much for me now, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold in there.  My case manager’s response to my struggles is to put me in adult foster care, which just makes me loose the last thing I have left, my independence.

I have to be honest, I don’t know what to do to help myself anymore.  I don’t know if I can help myself anymore.  I think the only thing that would help me now is getting Katelyn and my daughter back, but it will never happen.  So I’ve lost.

 

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