I am not doing ok. I need help. This whole situation is overwhelming to me, scary to me and it just seems to be getting worse.
What makes it worse is the people I typically depend on most are not there. I lost my church – they don’t seem to want me around because I’m melting down, I lost the closest thing I have had to family – Kate’s family. I have lost my best friend, Kate. I have lost my apartment, I have lost classes I worked so hard to get.
People seem to want me to fight this on my own, they shove me off to a hospital and then won’t talk to me, or even visit me why I’m there. They try and shove this off to everyone else. The fact is, the only person who can fix this is Kate, and I’m stuck in the middle until she decides to speak the truth.
Another fact is I can no longer stand on my own. I can’t sit and battle my mind 24 hours a day alone. I need my friends, I need my church, and yes as much as she has hurt me I need Kate and her family.
I realize professional help would be beneficial in this, but to be honest professional help alone is not – and will never be enough. In hospitals it is very well known one’s ability to recover is directly proportionate to the amount of support they have that is not proffessisional.
Right now I have very little, or even close to none. I need help, and not just the professional kind.
The fact is right now I want to die. I don’t see an end to this mess. I am so overwhelmed, I am so scared, I am so anxious. I am scared to go to the hospital because I know the hospital will not make things better, it will just give me a place to get away – and then shove me right back in the middle of it with no support
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
You need to get professional help and then let your friends know that you are. What is frustrating is hearing that someone wants someone else to fix it for them or make it better and they do nothing to get help. There are lots of places to go. We as friends want to support you but we can’t be the only thing that you rely on. It’s frustrating and it hurts us too. We want to help and try to but it’s not enough on it’s own. You need someone that can provide legal or mental help for you as well.
I have been getting counseling.
And when I can afford to get a lawyer I will get one, until then I can’t.
This is a prime example of the shove off attitude
The last person to just call me, or stop by to see how I am doing was a deputy 2 days after I got out of jail. Dispatch had not been called, but she was the one who arrested me for the PPO violation, and she knew I was not doing well.
Other then that, no phone calls from friends, no friends stopping by, no emails just to see if I am doing ok – NOTHING.
Sometimes people don’t know what to say, so they make the mistake of saying nothing at all. That doesn’t mean that nobody cares. Do you have any relatives that you could talk to about how you feel, as well as getting professional help? Show them the posts you have written on here. Do not try and cover things up, if you feel terrible you need to be brutally honest about it. Talk about your suicide attempts and why you are doing them to the relative. If they can back you up that you do need help, then that may help you get the professional support you need.
Do I have family?
Kates family was the closest thing I have ever had to a functional family. So the answer is, right now no. I hope to once again after next monday.
I am getting professional help, but professional help is not enough in itself.
Zach, is there a Spectrum support group in your area?
No
Oh that’s not good at all. Do you know where the nearest one would be?
I’m quite worried about you….I’d like to find some way to help you if I can despite being possibly far away…
Comment has been moderated due to an insult to another user
Zach,
You mentioned in a previous post that you are losing your faith. Now more than ever you need to hold tight to that faith and know that Christ is walking right there with you. You have so much going on and it is clearly overwhelming you. You are not alone.
I know that you write here but I am going to assume that there is much more going on that we will never know about. Write it out, give it to God and let him work through it. I know that it sounds simplistic compared to the pain that you are feeling but please try.
I will be praying for you and incredible blessings!
Thank you.
I have no idea.