I’m not doing well at all anymore. I’m so overwhelmed, I’m so scared, I’m in so much emotional agony right now. I don’t know what direction to go anymore, I don’t know what things to do anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I’m scared. I need help.
I need to get better, I know this. People seem to think that I can get better on my own, the truth is I can not. I need the support from people around me. I need these people more then ever. I am breaking down, I am loosing it, I have been loosing it for about 3 months now.
I’ve lost almost every bit of emotional support I had. I need help from people around me to get better. I can no longer carry this burden alone. I feel so abandoned right now. I lay in my apartment battling my mind on my own – and I’m loosing the war. I can no longer fight on my own.
I have now also lost the biggest supporter in my life right now because of this mess. Were trying to pick up the pieces but no one seems to let us. The fact that Katelyn is pregnant and I can’t help is agonizing. Katelyn is now 20 weeks along and all I know our child as is a dot the size of a pencil tip. I have yet to hear its heart beat. My child has already been taken away from me I feel. Its killing me inside.
I need my friends, I need my family, I need my church, I need Katelyn – and yes I need her mom to all support me. Right now I am not well, and I’m loosing the battle. Everyone expects me to get better on my own, and I can’t. I have tried – and its only getting worse.
I feel like I’m having to carry this big mess with only one leg and no arms. The people I have depended on, the friends who I held close, the church that I loved, and many others have abandoned me because I’m sick. Well I am sick, and right now I need you all most.
I can not get better on my own. I need you to be there for me. I can no longer do this on my own. I have tried, and I have failed. Please help me. I’m sick of being a failure.
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Zach, you are never alone. Pull out your Bible and read through the promises He’s made to you. To never leave you, nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5) To answer you when you call upon him, to prosper you and never harm you, to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29: 11-14) Read through the Psalms when David was at his wits end. Read through the book or John or the book of Romans which talks about how our hope is in Him. As Him for wisdom. (James 1:5). Remember, He is your Rock, Your Strong Tower in times of trouble.
“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise and I am saved from my enemies… He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were to strong for me. The confronted mein the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” Psalm 18: 2-3, 16-19
Zach,
I know you have plenty of reasons for despair, but you got to hold it together. I think what you need is a place you can got to where you don’t have to be alone. Have you thought about changing churches? It seems to me that you could get plenty of good advice visiting a Roman Catholic priest for advice. I am hardly an RC myself but I have gone to an RC college and I know them to be extremely reliable for situations such as this.
Best,
Aulë
The old saying is to “take life one day at a time.” Well, sometimes a day is just too long. When that happens, take it an hour at a time. If an hour is too long, take it a minute at a time. And when a minute is too long, just breathe.
I know it sounds cheesy, but it does work. And tomorrow you will either start to realize you are not as alone as you think . . . or you will begin the journey of examining your own role in your relationships to figure out how you got where you are. I am sure with Asperger’s that is especially challenging, but rest assured it is not an easy thing for any of us.
Laura,
First off I want to say thank you for the supportive reply.
I am realizing what went wrong with the relationships that went wrong. I am starting to realize a lot of things, but in all these mistakes I lost a lot of people in my life – the people i need the most right now. I feel like I am being held to what I did during my breakdown – and not being given any chance to heal myself, and the relationships with others.
The fact is I am sick, and I need help from those around me to get better.
Laura thank you so much for the suportive reply!!! It made me smile!! We both thank you trmendosly!!
I think you should call a help line for distressed people, I’m not sure if you have 211 in your area but that’s the number where I’m from. Also, realize that you can make decisions in the future that will improve your situation. Time is your best friend.
I hope you get the support soon. Regarding the baby, can’t Katelyn send you a more up to date scan picture? That might help a little with bonding with the baby.
Katelyn says she won’t look at the ultrasound herself without me in the room
Well, Katelyn could always close her eyes and then just get the scan picture. Or even just pass on the records from the hospital to you so you’ve got that to go on. My husband wasn’t able to be with me for the 12 week dating scan of my younger son and this is common. Lots of dads can’t get the time off work to attend every scan, or indeed ANY scan. And as much as I can understand that Katelyn wants you to be part of all the proceedings and therefore doesn’t want to see things that she thinks you can’t, it would be just the matter of a small delay, a few hours at most between her seeing the picture and you seeing the picture. Or at least between her seeing the report and you seeing the report.
I think that the more help that is given to dads to help them bond with the baby, even during pregnancy, is to be encouraged.
Zach,
And what precisely is Kate doing these days to try to get you in that room with her? Isn’t any progress being made on getting that conservatorship lifted? And doesn’t the independent conservator even understand that you should have some visitation rights?
Best,
Aulë