So I’ve been hanging with this girl I like lately and she invited me to a New Years Party where some of her friends and family were going to be. Ok – maybe our relationship is beyond the point of just “hanging out” but that’s another story. As many people know parties can be an overwhelming situation for those on the Autism Spectrum, even more so when there is only 1 person you know there. So in order to try to be a good ‘boyfriend’ how do I cope in these situations?Well the girl I am “more than hanging out with” and I decided we would leave for a bit and walk around Wal-mart – I needed to replace a few lights on my car anyway. There were many kids at the party and we figured in an hour or so they would disappear from the overwhelming noise and activity would become much more tolerable. It also gave us time to talk on how to deal with the overwhelming situations in the future.
I understand that good boyfriends need to allow their girlfriends to put them on show in front of friends and family – as approval of those people are very important when dating a guy. I understand that there are going to be more situations like this in the future – in which I can not escape to the store. She still feels bad about inviting me to her brother’s New Years party – and I now feel bad about getting overwhelmed.
So I guess I would like to know some ways some of you cope in situations like this when there is no escape? Also how do you make it so someone close to you does not feel bad when you get overwhelmed in a situation like this?
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I can’t speak from experience on the second point but sitting helps and maybe depending on your sensory differences putting your arm around her could be grounding for you?
As for making her not feel guilty just explain that you get overwhelmed sometimes when you are in social situations and you just need a minute to calm down.
Bonus: Its usually appropriate to use the restroom once every 2-3 hours
Simple, tell her you don’t like parties. Don’t deceive her into thinking you do, otherwise, your setting yourself up for failure if at a later point you discover she LOVES parties. While you may not want to discourage a relationship in the beginning with this bit of information about yourself, you can tell her that parties bore you or something and wait for her feedback to judge the situation. Agree to go for a few minutes and then set up something more intimate to do afterwards. If she wants to stay at a party all night, she might be the wrong girl for you. You have to look at these things from a distance so to speak.
Me and my BF usually just go for a short while to parties and the like, or he goes alone. I don’t think he minds if I don’t go. When we go somewhere together he makes sure he doesn’t leave me alone and doesn’t drink a lot. If he feels like mingling with lots of people, going off alone, or drinking a lot, he just goes on his own. If I feel too overwhelmed even earlier than usual, we just leave early.
Compromising a lot when I come too is perfectly ok, since he can also go out on his own and stay however long he likes etc. He was a bit disappointed at first that we can’t do both: everything we like, staying long, etc, when we go out together, but he accepted it well enough.
For obligatory gatherings and parties (usually involving family) that I just can’t escape and can’t leave early for, we make sure that we can go off into a corner or something alone or with just a few people, and he can talk or play games with them, and I can read and/or put on my headphones with music, without too much noise and needing to talk to people.
Tell her you would rather meet her friends and family in smaller situations, such as a dinner or lunch. This helps to prevent overwhelming sensory overload on your part, and prevents you from coming up with 15 different “small talk” type phrases.
Don’t feel bad for getting overwhelmed, it’s just a part of who you are. And tell her not to feel bad for your getting overwhelmed, it’s a process to figure out what works for the two of you.
Good luck!