We had a user write in asking for help stating that she thinks her boyfriend of 13 years may have Aspergers. Patricia wrote in on another post with quite a big question, but I’m going to separate it out and answer each part point by point.
I have suspected on and off that my boyfriend of almost 13 years may have Aspergers, although I can’t say I thoroughly understood it then and am just now becoming educated. Something happened today that forced me to take the time to get on the web and read everything I could. After doing a lot of reading and stumbling onto your site, I am sitting here feeling very sad and feel like I need some advice/help/support figure out how to continue with this NT/Asbie relationship. Where do I start?
First off thank you for asking these questions in such a public forum. I love to help people like you through these issues. I think the first thing you need to remind yourself is you have been with this man for 13 years. Even if he does have Aspergers it will not affect your relationship that much. The best place to start is with yourself – all relationships require patience, kindness, understanding, sacrifice and trust even if you have Aspergers or not.
He has most of the symptoms, but I don’t think he has a clue (although he doesn’t share feelings/personal things with me anyway). I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with both of us for so long.
This may sound kinda rude, but I really do not think anything is wrong. You both are the way you are and there is nothing wrong with the way either of you are. Everyone is different from the next, and each relationship has unique needs just like each person.
I think I understand now that AS has been between us this whole time… preventing either of us from understanding exactly how to deal with each other, although we do love each other. How do you have a relationship with someone who doesn’t share their feelings and doesn’t want to be emotionally close (and not physically close too often either!
You just have to be much more blunt when asking how they are feeling and what there needs are and communicating your own needs. Tell him you need physical affection, or that you want to make love. Just don’t hint these things. Communication is key!
I feel like I’ve been the one doing all the ‘work’ in trying to understand our relationship and how we relate to each other. Communicating with him about anything remotely relating to emotions continues to be met with a brick wall and/or no response from him. Veeeeery frustrating! I guess for both of us since he didn’t know how to respond to my questioning and in turn, I get hurt and angry at his lack of response or (seeming to be) uncaring.
Once again communication is key! Be blunt with your questions and when stating your needs and feelings. Also be patient waiting for an answer
Thanks in advance for your response help!
No problem Patricia we are here to help! If you have a question feel free to contact me!
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear Zach, Forgive my asking, but are you Aspie are NT? Although you point out the things that make good “common” sense and you’re being diplomatic to both sides of the Aspie/NT houses in saying that we are each individual and unique and that all relationships take work and communication! VERY TRUE/VALID POINTS. No brainer…. However, I am old enough to realize as true as your statements are, I disagree with your statement “Even if he does have Aspergers it will not affect your relationship that much. The best place to start is with yourself – all relationships require patience, kindness, understanding, sacrifice and trust even if you have Aspergers or not.
THE REASON THAT I WROTE IN TO BEGIN WITH IS BECAUSE IT IS MOST DEFINITELY AFFECTING OUR RELATIONSHIP AND HAS BEEN FOR ALL OF THAT TIME! I DO ALL THE EMOTIONAL/COMMUNICATING WORK AND TRY TO BE PATIENT, KIND, AND UNDERSTANDING AND SACRIFICING MY OWN NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND HIS WHILE GETTING NOTHING IN RETURN. I HAVE BEEN VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERY PATIENT AND FRUSTRATED BECAUSE HE SAYS “I DON’T KNOW” AND STARES AT THE FLOOR WHEN ASKED A QUESTION THAT IS THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF AN EMOTIONAL NATURE.
I am beginning to understand his inability to respond now, but I can tell you first-hand that it does affect our relationship on every intimacy level. As a woman, I need to feel my man desires me – and he can’t show that desire in the form of pursing me romantically. The fact that I need to say: “I need a hug/kiss/sex/be told that he loves me, thinking to thank me for anything,” is kind of a let down. Again, I’m understanding he can’t, but I also need to say there is a feeling of rejection on my part when he is not interested. I feel angry that he thinks everything else is important except being intimate. He is 44 years old and would rather blow up stuff in a video game than be intimate with me. I am a few years older than him and I consider myself to be fairly attractive so it is a bit frustrating that the thought never crosses his mind to pursue me/flirt with me/kid around with me, etc. I don’t just hint as to what I would like. I do tell him. So please Zach, you need to see it from the woman’s point of view. I understand now that he doesn’t get that my feelings are hurt, etc. but that doesn’t mean my heart stops desiring his attention. I just know I won’t get it from him as I perhaps would from an NT. I am going to continue to test the waters in trying to be more blunt as to what my needs are. I do stroke him too when he does something nice, even tho I never get that from him. I will see if my change in behavior will change his behavior.
The only reason we are still together is because I am extremely patient, loving and kind to him – even when I didn’t understand AS at all!
The question remains: Do I bring up the topic of AS with him? And if yes, how do I go about it?
Again, thank you for the help and information Zach.
I hope I may have helped you understand a few things too.
Patricia
You could bring up AS with him but I don’t see how its going to change anything. Your boyfriend is who he is, a diagnosis is not going to change that.
I know exactly how you feel, and bringing it up tends to really help, I found it quite funny you can’t exactly hint… But when it was brought to his attention due to his general temperament of being he took it as a project to help. It made quite a difference, now he sees intimacy as a set of rules apering random. We are now engaged so I’d defiantly try to talk to him about it.