Generally Not Knowing

Right now I’m struggling with not knowing so much, and its really difficult to plan for the future when the future depends on knowing what others around you are planning.  Tuesday will be three weeks that I have no contact with Katelyn what so ever.  I’m starting to forget what her voice sounds like, and the feeling of her skin as we cuddled.  Right now I would do anything just to get a hug from her, anything!

I’m also starting to realize how I have hurt Katelyn’s mother.  Way back when Katelyn and I first started seeing each other I made some promises to her mom, and I broke about every one of them.  The biggest was no sex before marriage.  Katelyn is now pregnant, and I’m sure shes really bitter about that.  I’m trying to get ahold of her mom to see if her and I can sit down and talk about how I’ve hurt her so we can work past this – but she never answers the phone.  Me being the A-type personality that I am called her way to many times today – I’m sick of sitting her and doing nothing, I want to work on fixing this mess.  Now I’ve most likely pissed her off even more.  All I want to know is how can I make it better.

And then there is not knowing if Katelyn and the baby are okay.  I’m told they are doing good, but I still feel like I won’t know until I see it myself.  I know that sound weird, but when you deeply love someone and your concerned about them its hard to accept others word that they are okay.

And then I catch myself wondering if Katelyn still loves me.  I know she does, but its hard when you go so long not contacting someone you love.

I feel like I’m in a big dark  cloud, and I can’t see the sunlight anymore.  Its also very hard to grieve the loss of our baby girl when I can’t be with her.  I wonder how shes doing, I wonder if shes feeling as crappy as I do, I wonder so much, because these things I don’t know.

Some people see this as controlling and I don’t understand it.  I see it as trying to make things better.