So I have a lot of really huge fears right now.As many people know Katelyn is currently in an adult foster care, but before she was placed there we decided we wanted to raise our child on the way together. I really starting to have a lot of fears about whats going on.
First off I want to say that Kate and I have had a lot of friends come out of the woodwork offering to help teach us parenting skills, babysit when we need us time, and deal with all the other ‘joys’ of being a parent – but being a parent is also a big fear. Its a huge change in life, and change is difficult for me – but I need to start getting ready.
I’m getting very worried though that Kate’s case manager and guardian will not let us raise this kid together. Kate and I hope to be married before this child is born, and raise it while living together. We have a lot of work to do before February. I’m hoping we can attend parenting classes together, hang out with friends that have younger kids to learn what its like, and do some couples counseling as well as individual counseling.
Kate is currently in an adult foster care pretty much so because me and her mother and I don’t get along and Kate is torn in the middle of it. Kate’s mother is of the typical parent of the disabled methodology where Kate can’t do anything (including drive a car, so I imagine shes very against us parenting a kid because shes disabled ). I of course don’t go for this methodology, and frankly it irritates the crap out of me. Her mother as of right now refuses to talk to me unless I can answer a question she needs answered, and I’m concerned that her mother and I are not going to get along and I know this stresses Kate a lot.
I also fear Katelyn and her mother not getting along. I know right now Katelyn has said she has not talked to her mother much at all in the last week (maybe once). Katelyn needs her mother, and frankly Katelyn’s mother needs Katelyn – although I doubt neither will admit this.
Katelyn also has a big OB appointment in October. Right now her guardian has refused to let me attend any of the appointments. Katelyn wants me at the next appointment – she in fact told me she needs me there, and told her guardian the same thing. Its where we are going to find out if the baby is healthy, if its inherited Kate’s heart condition, the gender and the official due date. I really want to be there as well, but I fear I won’t be able too.
One of the last things I fear is I have not seen Katelyn in over three weeks. It’s getting difficult on both of us, and I fear I won’t be able to see her soon! I’m really starting to fear that her case management and guardian are attempting to break us up, but Katelyn and I have noticed that the absence of each other in our lives is actually making the heart grow fonder.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Zach,
As a mother of a disabled woman I need to tell you that what her mother is doing is somewhat natural, but completely wrong. The not talking to you game is another form of her controlling and manipulating the situation – she knows it upsets both you and Kate as you want to be one happy family.
I’m assuming Kate’s mom reads this and I would like to say this to her: You need to let go, your hurting Kate, your hurting Zach, your hurting this child, and your hurting yourself. It was hard for me too but our daughters need supportive mothers. Kate’s mom instincts are kicking in – don’t force her to choose between you and Zach or you and the kid, because as you know your going to loose that battle.
It sounds like you all need to sit down and talk, and yesterday. Kate needs all of your support right now, and because of this she has none of you.
Kate and Zach: If Kates mom refuses to respect you guys, don’t talk to her. Also I would consider getting a restraining order if this continues as shes likely to try and screw with the kid as well.
Thank you vary much for the comment alison! And yes zach and i have looked into getting a ppo aginst her. Im wanting to see what she is going to do first tho. Yes i love my momther dearly but her crazy overbearing ways have got to stop.! Im not talking to her right now and have not seen her in almost 2 weeks. She has sayed to me let me know if you want me to call you. So she is giveing me some space and respect. But still it hurts.
Zach and Kate,
You’re the adults in the relationship. You need to be setting the rules. You obviously belong together.
Okay, if I understand things correctly, it is not Kate’s mom that is keeping you apart, but Kate’s guardian. So either the guardian believes there is some reason to continue to keep you and Kate away from each other, or maybe is just maintaining the status quo while gathering more information to make a decision about the two of you spending time together. Kate hasn’t had this guardian for more than a month or two, right? Guardians typically proceed with caution (giving them the benefit of the doubt and putting it as nicely as possible, knowing full well the perception is often different). I do understand your frustration and impatience, but the quickest and clearest path to getting what you want is to be patient, cooperative, and proactive. Seek out that individual counseling you mentioned, start learning baby care even if you have to do it separately, do your best to cooperate with the guardian and be respectful even when you totally disagree. The guardian doesn’t really know either of you, right? You may think others have told the guardian things about you that are not true . . . if so, then take this time to show the guardian what you are really like. Take responsibility for your actions, ask questions, get recommendations for next steps, etc. I know you think this all sucks (I would too under the circumstances), and I do not mean to suggest you give up your rights, but sometimes it is quicker and easier (and in the long run, more successful) to work with the system instead of bucking it and beating your head against the wall. This is your situation for now, and it is not going to magically change overnight. In the meantime, breathe!
Shes keeping the status quo with Suzanne’s Lies. Laura, I know this is hard for you to grasp being a friend of Suzanne and all, but she has lied and manipulated this situation, and continues to do so. The only reason I have not sued her, or sought a restraining order against her is because I don’t want to hurt or stress Kate out more.
First, I think you overestimate my relationship with Suzanne. Admittedly, I love her dearly, along with many of my freaky fiber folk, and enjoy getting together with her, but I am hardly in her hip pocket. I have gleaned a lot more from your blog posts than I have ever gotten from Suzanne on this subject. Please don’t underestimate my ability to draw my own conclusions. What I do all day is draw my own conclusions from two very conflicting points of view, proposed by people who believe strongly in their positions and have authority to back it up.
Second, lies have a way of finding themselves out. If Suzanne has lied to the guardian about you, then you will have to overcome the lies with consistent action that is inconsistent with what Suzanne has said. Give the guardian at least a little bit of credit for also being able to reach their own conclusions. Maybe you and the guardian will never agree, but at this point the guardian is in control. You can either fight that and make it harder, or you can find a way to work with it. You don’t have to like it, but that is the way it is. That is a lesson all of us with strong personalities struggle to learn . . . a lesson that I still need refreshed once in a while.
Something you don’t know about me: My mother was (and is) mentally ill (along with being charming and very bright). While she was neglecting and emotionally abusing us, she had lots of people (including the judge) convinced we were lying and just out to get her. So I understand, probably better than most, the frustration of being cast in a false light by someone who is supposed to care about you. I also understand that the system doesn’t always seem to work the way it is intended. My view of reality is sometimes harsh . . . but blowing rainbows is not my style.
Laura,
I’m not as concerned about Kates guardian. They will see the truth, and according to Katelyn already have started. She was going to move back home, but they decided against it because they are seeing the truth.
To be honest I’m more concerned about Katelyn’s relationship with her mother. She needs a caring and supportive mother, not an overbearing and destructive one. I don’t want to have to see Katelyn end up isolating herself from her family just so she can survive and thrive like I did, its a very painful experience.