So right now Katelyn and I have to make some huge decisions regarding the child Katelyn is pregnant with – to put it up for adoption or raise it. It also makes it very difficult that we have a lot of people pushing us in either direction. I’m starting to wonder if the people who are really pushing us are really looking out for the best interests of the child and us, or their own.The decision Katelyn and I make is going to be a difficult one, and to be honest one that we may regret the rest of our lives. I’m sick of hearing other peoples opinions on what we should do with this child, as frankly its not really their decision – and the people who seem to be pushing the most are the people who seem to be acting out of their own best interests, lying and doing things behind our backs to push us to choose their option.
My mother was quite forcefully trying to get Katelyn to go through an abortion. I mean she was yelling at Katelyn and I at the top of her lungs, accusing Katelyn and I of not caring, blah blah blah. I think you get the point that this was not helpful at all, and to be honest this made me very, very angry.
Then we have Katelyn’s mother who actually makes me more angry then my own mother. Shes trying to get us to put this kid up for adoption, but she uses manipulative and lying ninja like tactics. Shes been making it so Katelyn and I can’t see each other to talk about these things face to face – and blames everyone else. (We both know its now her mother, and I have no problem writing the truth here.) Shes also been telling Katelyn and I how we can’t do anything. I mean she says Katelyn can’t drive (and I know Katelyn drives just fine – I let her drive numerous times to see how she did and I would be comfortable riding in a car she was driving with a bit more practice anytime.) I think Katelyn’s mother is the story of the overprotective mom who can’t let go of her little girl. The reason she pisses me off more then my own mom is because she uses lying and manipulation as tactics to get her way – and acts all self righteous about it. I’ve yet to hear an apology out of this woman’s mouth ever.
Whos The Most Supportive
I have to say the most supportive people are the ones that listen to me, my thoughts, Katelyn’s thoughts and don’t tell us what they think. I have to say the people that tell us that its a difficult decision that only Katelyn and I can make, and that they will support us through this decision no matter what are the best people to have in this situation. To be honest, though they are few and far between. Most people I hear from want us to keep the child, other want us to put it up for adoption. Very few are supportive and listen to me, and just are there for us.
But yet I would like some input. As you know this is going to be a very difficult decision for both Katelyn and I to make. I would like to hear from others who have made this decision. If you were looking at putting your child up for adoption, did you or not – and what were the deciding factors for you? Also do you regret your decision?
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Ya i rember us telling your mom the news. That was crazy, i understand where my mom is coming from but i wish she would just stop trying to micro manage every part of me. It hurts me alot. I know she says she will support us 100% no matter what desiction we make but some how im a bit skeptical of that. But i know only time will tell. And i wish she would stop being over protective to. I love her and all but good heavans im 21 already.!!
I love you zach this is a good post ! Well done love!
Yea. I know your mother means well but its really starting to get me angry. I’m having a hard time biting my tongue sometimes when shes doing these things.
I haven’t made an adoption plan, but I’m considering adopting in the future and I’ve been doing a lot of research on it, and the research continues.
I say the two of you are adults and no one has the right to force their decisions on you.
Mostly all I can say is evaluate, think, do research, there’s a lot of resources on adoption from places like adoption under one roof and adoption.com. They will show you adoption from all sides.
But I am sorry you are going through such frustration…
I know for me atleast the more I’m pressured to make a decision the less likely it is I’m going to make the decision it is that I’m pressured to be making
Yeah, sometimes people need to mind their own business…
But often they won’t so when that happens, they need to be ignored.
Especially when they don’t see the whole picture just the pixels.
Yes, follow your heart. The best way to do that is to be really sure it is just your two hearts’ deepest knowledge and not all the noise generating from others, is to not rush anything, You do NOT have to make any decsion until after the baby is here and you’ve held him in your arms. Until then you trying to make a decsion based on fantasy, but a reality. Would you sign for a car sight unseen? Trust me that if you decide on adoption placement that you will have plenty of time to find a suitable family and n bonding time will be harmed.
Do NOT listen to anyone at an adoption agency or pregnancy crisis center, and really steer clear of religious agencies. All are more manipulative that anyone’s mother! Once they get you in their clutches its hard to get loose – like trying to leave cult.
How old are you two? What is your living situation? Jobs? I’m sure it will be a struggle, but can it be done. If it CAN and you don’t, you WILL regret it the rest of your life.
If, after holding your child you really truly believe with all your heart and soul that even if money were not a problem you just don’t want to be parents and want him to be raised by others, do you have any cousins or older siblings who would raise him? if not,then seek and open adoption with a reputable agency and find out the laws on enforcing the contact agreement in your state. Most states cannot force the parents – which would be them, not you – to allow you to visit. You sign away all your rights upon adoption and are not like non-custodial parents in a divorce.
Stay away from adoption agencies, baby brokers, intermediaries, facilitators, doctors and lawyers, They ll have stake in pushing adoption on you. You may chose that, but only on your own and not because you;ve been pressured. e very leery of newspaper ads. Juno was as stupid comedy – not real and not safe,
Contact Origins-USA,org to speak with parents who have placed their children for adoption – or you can just read their stories online at Origins-usa.org. There are also some YouTube videos of mothers who lost children to adoption and mourn the loss and never forget…and some who feel betrayed because they were promised visits and didn’t get them or they stopped.
I wish you both the best of luck. Have a healthy baby and take it one day at a time. Don;t rush. It’s a lifelong decsion either way.
Mirah Riben, The Stork Market: America’ Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry”
http://AdvocatePublications.com
Dear Zach and Kate,
47 year old gentleman here, I had stumbled through life undiagnosed for most of my life, but I have managed to get two degrees and a career in software design. I could never accept being dependent on my parents, so I have had to become one of the highest functioning autistics on the planet just to survive.
However, I was laid off 4 years ago and am presently teaching myself silversmithing and jewelry making as a new career. I’d be happy to try to make you some things as an exercise.
I’ve been reading your website for a very long time, and I am awestruck by the intensity and uniqueness of the love that the two of you share.
I won’t tell you what to do about the child, but I will say this: love such as yours is very rare. For a child to come from that love who parents care so much about that child’s welfare is even rarer yet.
I think one serious mistake you need to avoid making is assuming that because Zach is autistic and Kate has FAE that the two of you would be automatically unfit parents.
Another serious mistake to avoid making is having your respective mothers in law trying to run your lives for you, which will only in the long run ruin your lives and that of your child.
It seems to me also, Kate, that you are much more functional than being exposed to your mother’s alcohol might indicate. Your instincts appear to be very good ones.
I’ll be watching both of you. I hope the two of you marry eventually, it would be the very best thing.
Best,
Aulë
OT but you make silver stuff?
That is so cool!
I’ll talk to Kate about maybe ordering something from you when were more financially stable.
Thanks for the great and supportive comment!
Zach,
No problem, I am a very long way away from making saleable silver product right not… but the time you are ready to buy something, I might be ready to sell something.
Check out http://aule.ganoksin.com/blogs/ if you ever want to see progress.
Best,
Aulë
Deciding factors? Really there is just one:
Do you WANT to keep you baby or not?
If yes, but…and then writes of job,school, money…those can all be worked out. If you want your baby make it work or will surely regret it.
If you’re not worried Kate is eligible for state support during the pregnancy and for medical and afterward for WIC. And it’s all just temporary.
I have to say Mirah – your comment really has given me some thought! Thanks!
Have you considered the fact that you can’t afford to raise the child, financially and emotionally alone?? Just a thought, write out the pro’s/con’s (including parents, driving, employment, daycare, disability/welfare/job wages, getting up in the middle of the night, dealing with schools, Asperger’s and Fetal Alcohol issues etc) on a piece of paper, also remembering you probably run a relatively high risk of some form of developmental delay and could you handle/afford to deal with it.
THEN, go and talk to someone about adoptions. Could you make one that gives you still visitation rights ?? Thereby not giving up the child and walking away but still being the “aunt/uncle” style visitor. You wouldn’t have rights in how the child is raised but you would have a say in “who” and still be there for going to the playground/McD’s/birthdays/Xmas etc.
Something to think about.
What FarmWifeTwo just said – please forgive me – is “standard” adoption industry rhetoric. She may be the most sincere well-meaning person. Many such people believe all of this to be true because the industry has big time marketers and lobbyists to put that view of adoption into the minds of the public and keep adoption practitioners and attorneys lucrative.
First of all so-called open adoption is a promise that in unenforceable in most states. It is always at the behest of the adoptive parents who have ALL the rights and can decide if you get to see your once year, once a week, never, or just get photos and can change their mind at any time. You, also, may find it too painful to visit and watch others parent your child in ways you are not ll too find of.
If you chose to make this pro and con list — very, very popular at all adoption agencies so they can make you look like you have so much less to offer than others is this:
You have something NO ONE ELSE can give your child – his genetic attachment! The other is your love. There are no price tags on those things.
Other things like your income, your age, their income and age and their maritl status are all subject to change. Adoptive parents de and divorce like everyone else, Kids are left with one parent or none. There are no guarantees in life.
The only thing you know is one another and a child that connects you.
If you chose to have others acre for your child, DO make every effort to get an ENFORCEABLE agreement, but know that even then you will suffer that loss every day for the rest of yur life. And also know that your child will always feel rejected on some level, no matter how much he tries to understand your limitations and why this had to be and no matter how much he loves his new parents, it still feels like a rejection.
I will try to read more hear about the two of you, it was just the subject of adoption that brought me to your site as it is my area of expertise, professionally as well as personally. I lost a child to adoption more than 40 year ago and the day does not go by that I do not think about her…
Unless you are seriously limited in your ability to take acre of yourselves and one another safely — follow your heart. Do what you WANT, not what you are told you “should” do or not what you feel you “have” to do because it would be “unselfish”! There is nothing selfish about talking on the huge responsibility of raising a child!
I don’t know, I can’t say genetics are everything considering how warped some people’s biological families can be…
Hi Zach and Katelyn –
Our opinion is to go with your hearts – we recently discovered we are unble to have a biological child so we are looking to adopt a child. I actually accidentally just ended up on this site and saw your post. We wish you both the very best. If for some reason you decide on the adoption route please consider us – I am just finishing our website http://www.deniseandmike.webs.com and we have completed our home study through the state. Our email is mike_denise@mail.com if you would ever wish to contact us. Thank you and we really wish the best for you both.
Denise and Mike
Your a bit far out for us to consider – we are in Michigan.
Good or bad, it’s nice to KNOW your genetics. Most doptees do not have that option.
Well, that’s why adoption records should be open…
But sometimes biological families can be warped too… So there’s that to consider.
Hi Zach -
My husband and I are willing to travel and to pay for all related costs. Our attorney is Aaron Britvan and one of the states we are interested in adopting from is in fact Michigan. Michigan is certainly not too far for us to travel. We are interested in adopting a healthy child and to provide all the love, happiness and security he or she may want. We are willing to work with the birth parents with regard to financial obligations for the child, etc. If you would like to talk our phone number is toll free and is on our website – I am not sure if I can post it here or not. Thanks so much! – Denise
and this has now crossed the line called creepy
Yeah……. It’s probably not a good idea to solicit adoption on the web…
It doesn’t seem polite.
Wow sorry if I offended anyone I just saw your site and thought I would reply. We are not soliciting anything We are just looking to adopt a child domestically and privately. I provided the name of our attorney so you know we are serious. Good luck