I’m completely confused right now, bewildered and thinking what the hell. I don’t know what to think – about anything right now. So I’m trying not to make any major decisions for the next week.Yesterday was single handily the worst day in my life. Knowing Kate loves me, but also knowing even though she wants me around to help her – that I can’t is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. I know there is not much I can do to help – but not even being able to be at her side, and be there for your kid is one of the worst feelings imaginable. Giving her one last hug as you walk out the door never knowing if your going to see her again, knowing she does not want you to leave and watching the tears in your eyes sucks. Its all I have thought about since it happened.
Kate and I with yellow glasses
I went to meet with my case manager yesterday after all this happened, and am trying to get my case manager to get in contact her case manager to find out what the hell I’m supposed to do, what the hell is going on, and try and figure out what I should be doing from here – and if its going to include Katelyn or not, what I can do to support Katelyn while shes pregnant, etc.
When I was talking with her case manager on the phone I was awed that Katelyn’s mother had signed a release for me to talk to the case manager. I don’t get it – she clearly hates my guts, and the reason she is getting guardianship was clearly written by her to keep her daughter away from this “very abusive man”. I know even though she tells Katelyn she hopes to see us work it out – her actions and what she wrote on the petition for guardianship say otherwise. I’m starting to wonder if her mom is playing games, attempting to get me to break down even more.
I’m also having to fight my own reactions. Right now my knee jerk reaction is telling me to run, and that even though I love Katelyn and I know shes not responsible for her mothers actions, that I’ve been hurt way to much. But the running does not stop there – I’ve pondered dropping from the fire academy, leaving the state, and even suicide. This however is all pointless. I’ve learned from the past I should never make large decisions in the midst of emotional trauma – and suicide just clearly sucks for everyone, even more so our child who would have to live with it.
So right now I’m trying to keep my life going as normal as possible, not knowing whats going on with our child, not knowing whats going on with Katelyn, and not knowing a lot of things. I went and hung out with a group of friends I usually hang out with on Wednesdays and did my homework. But I can’t bring myself to pack up Katelyn’s stuff. Every time I touch her things I start crying and just hold onto it.
So today – is not a glorious day.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I just want to thank you! I love a man with Asperger’s and who has never been diagnosed. I have been greatly confused, not understanding why we fight as much as we do, and am overwhelmed with the information available, yet it all seems very clinical to me. This week he had a melt down, and I never knew about those. I thought he had just deteriorated to a critical point, and perhaps lost to me forever. I tend to be a bit dramatic. I came across your posting about a melt down you had, and it totally made sense to me. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, feelings and reactions. It has given me some much needed insight. I will tell you that despite the many sacrifices I must make to love an Aspie, I wouldn’t trade him for the world and a life time supply of chocolate, nor would I ever want to take away his Asperger’s, as it “IS” who he is, and I love him as he is. You were tremendously helpful to me, and now I can sleep feeling hopeful instead of helpless. Thank you.
I too love a man with Asperger’s and have Asperger’s myself Karen. I have never met someone better suited to me! I never have to explai anything to him! I don’t have to fake normal around him, I can for once put down all those things I use through out my day to fit in with regular society and rest, knowing I am loved for who I am, not the persona I create to get by.
He, unlike myself has meltdowns very frequently. He is on a hair trigger, and any conflict or argument in the room will send him into one quickly! The man throws chairs! I explode less often, but when I go off, it is like the a bomb has just dropped! Due to a pretty dark past, old survival instincts take over, and I repress a whole lot of things till it comes to beyond the boiling point.
But, being a fellow aspie who understands why he goes off does help. And this may help you too. Whenever there are alot of people in a room who are running on high emotion, the excess of those emotions hit me square in the forehead and the gut. It’s like getting pummeled with a fist repeatedly in those two areas. It’s a litteral tangiable, physical pain like that.
And as you can I am sure imagine, one only goes through that for so long before one gets the urge to rage back at those who are causing these sensations! And this can only be repressed for so long before meltdown takes over and I loose complete control! When this happens, though not true for all of us, mine are so violent and explosive I litterally black out. When I come too, the only way I know how violent it was is by the welts I left on myself, and the aftermath of a room ripped to heck.
Though on a hiar trigger, my guy says it is the same with him. The same thing tends to happen when high emotion runs in me for to long a period of time. To much stress, to much frustation, to much sensory, throw in a good old PTSD flashback of one of mine, and wahla!!
I usually am able to keep my emotions under my complete control. It is something I pride myself on. I like to be in complete mastery of myself at all times. So when things are beyond my control, rage tends to take over. And with my past, there is a hell of alot of pent up rage!
I am telling you these things because they might be useful to you. But also know this. There is no love like the love of an Aspie man! You could not ask for a more devoted, committed, loving, loyal, and brilliant man than a aspie man. They come with no judgement upon you, and love you unconditionally. For them it’s not about what you do, if you look like a super model, have money, or who you know. It’s about what lies in your mind and heart.
I could never of asked for a better man than I have now! One who loves me as I am, warts and all, not for whom he would like me to be, or the image in his head of who I am that once violated would send someone else packing. And who could ask for a greater gift than to be loved for truly who they are inside?
Theo, thank you. I have been turning to books and websites to undertsand, yet I am finding the information available to be too clinical and analytical. Reading this site, and your email, has done so much more to give me a window with which to understand what is actually happening to my Aspie when we argue. I can now see a pattern of stress that triggers a melt down, during which he says cruel things to me that are uncharacteristic of his personality, and that I also know is not how he really feels. Perhaps my words will help other Aspies understand what happens in the mind of a NT who loves an Aspie when this happens. I was not aware of “melt down” episodes, and thus his words hurt me deeply, and I felt (and I stress “felt” because my understanding of him was not accurate) he was being verbally abusive to me. For anyone else stumbling onto this posting, please understand he is not abusive in any way. This was my perception only, both as someone who has survived past abuse, and as someone who did not understand how these Aspie melt downs sometimes manifest. Theo, I too have a past that comes into play when this is happening, and understand comepletely what you are saying about the PTSD. My reaction was always to disconnect from him, shut him out, while I took the time myself to heal from his words. I would focus on his hurtful words, and trying to understand why he said the things he said. I wasted time and energy doing so, and carried that hurt inside me. BUT, it was not the man I love that was hurtful, it was an Asperger’s melt down, and I took it personally, because I am not an Aspie, and thus I reacted to it as I understood his words. I must reiterate that I have acquired more understanding in one evening of reading this site and Theo’s response, than I have in months from reading books and websites written by NTs. Perhaps I have sperger traits myself, but what you and the author of this blog wrote actually make great sense to me. So, again, thank you! To anyone who is NT and struggling as I have with someone who has not fully accepted or understands their Asperger’s, I highly recommend reaching out as I have to other Aspies who have accepted themselves as the amazing, loving, genuine and unique individuals they are. The man I love hasn’t been able to communicate to me what is really going on in his head and heart, and i now believe it was because I was overloading him with my feelings and telling him how he hurt me, which probably just caused another melt down, more angry words, and a cycle that was never ending.