So today I log onto facebook and I see so many things that make me second guess putting my child up for adoption. One good friend of Kate and I announcing “I’m PREGNANT!” an older friend of mine bragging about delivering babies at her job, and then other mothers posting movies of their children, and all these cute pictures. I feel bad about it, but it makes me angry. I don’t understand why, but it does. Its not their fault, that I don’t have my finances in order for a kid. Its not their fault that I am not stable enough for a child – but I get upset. When I type congratulations to a person saying their pregnant, I’m really crying. Kate and I can not be raising a kid right now – were just not able to provide what a child needs to be succesful at this point in our lives.
Then I think about how I never wanted kids, until this point arrived. What if this is my only chance? What if for some horrible reason Katelyn were to pass away in a few years, I would have nothing left. I hear people around me that know Kate and I pushing me both ways. People I look to for wisdom on both sides of the rope are pulling me apart. I’m starting to think maybe I made my decision prematurely, but I still don’t see how we could provide what a child needs.
If Kate and I decided to raise this child, we could be successful. But we would need a lot of help, from close friends and family – but those relationships are stressed right now at best. How can they be put in place in four months.
I just don’t know what to do. But I do know I can’t keep going back and forth, and I also know that I can’t make this decision alone. I need to communicate with Kate.
I also need something the mental health system can’t provide. I need a hug, and to be held as I cry.
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I can’t provide any physical comfort, but know that a friend cares, and would provide a hug if she could. ANd kitties! I have very loving kitties. They send thier encouragement as well.