Lately I think my biggest fear has been creeping back into my life. This fear often keeps me so hurt inside, and when Kate came around I was able to punch this fear in the face. I’m afraid because of my disability I will never be loved. Aspergers has quite a complex affect on people’s social lives, but when you have to deal with relationships the effects become so much more complex. My internal biggest fear – down to the disability I have has become the topic of blockbuster movies, and even books.
I have realized the reason my relationship got ruined is because I was so scared of letting Aspergers ruin my relationship – that it became an obsession, and then did ruin my relationship. Now I’m stuck with loosing the woman I love, and now have to face my biggest fear all over again – Will I always be alone because of Aspergers?
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
There is an old saying that I like to quote to myself alot when I have simular feelings after a disagreement with my significant other, or when I feel like I had done something stupid.
That quote is “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you are right.”
What that means is it has more to do with your own perception and how you deal with things than it does with Aspergers in and of itself. If you believe that Asperger’s will keep someone from loving you, then it will. It all has to do with will and attitude.
It’s whether or not you choose to lay down and accept no one will love you because of your AS, or whether you will fight against such nonsense. If you believe that you are deserving of love, and you are a good person and try to do what is right by those you love, then nothing can keep love from you.
Love is a powerful thing. I leave you once again with 1 Corithians (on Love)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
“Love never fails!” I know you are a christian man. This is straight from the mouth of the Almighty! Love never fails, not even when one has AS.
No barrier is stronger than love!
“If you believe that you are deserving of love, and you are a good person and try to do what is right by those you love, then nothing can keep love from you.”
…except a lack of attraction. Remember, romantic relationships take *two* people and no means no.
If someone doesn’t feel attracted to you and doesn’t want to date you or marry you then he or she doesn’t want to date you or marry you, no matter how “superficial” his or her reasons look to you.
Right now there’s a guy who wants to be loved by one of my friends. She’s not attracted to him and she’s told him that to his face. Instead of taking her no for an answer. He keeps calling and insisting he’s a good catch because of his academic achievements and accusing her of being crazy if she doesn’t want him. Sure, I bet someone’s telling him that this barrier between them isn’t stronger than his love, but in reality he’s stalking and harassing my friend.
Fine line between love and stalking and he is crossing it. That was not what I meant. See below response as to what I was referring to.
I’ve had the stalking thing go on with me too from an ex and it wasn’t fun. As aspies, either male or female, we kind of need to watch our own behavior. If we like a person, I have known some of us who get obsessed and drive the person away before even getting to talk to the person.
Or if the person likes you back like with a guy friend I have, you still become obsessed, and drive the person away with being too wrapped around that person. Following them around, constant calling, etc. Granted, not al guys or girls with AS do this. But there are a few, as well as NT’s who do the same thing. It’s always good to watch one’s self and make sure one’s attentions are wanted.
the guy friend in your reference I mean.
“Fine line between love and stalking and he is crossing it. That was not what I meant. See below response as to what I was referring to…”
Got it (and I get that you’re talking about the guy in my reference).
“…I’ve had the stalking thing go on with me too from an ex and it wasn’t fun…”
That’s terrible!
I hope that ex isn’t still stalking you.
“…Granted, not al guys or girls with AS do this.
Of course! It would make no sense to assume that all people with AS do this.
“…But there are a few, as well as NT’s who do the same thing…”
Absolutely – and the NTs who do the same thing know what they’re doing and do it *on purpose*, which is what makes it scary.
If someone’s approaching you like that, and you’re not telepathic, then you can’t tell whether or not that person has AS. For all you know that person *is* NT and *does* mean exactly what his or her words and nonverbal cues say.
If you give him or her the benefit of the doubt (“maybe s/he doesn’t mean it”) and begin to put up with it, but s/he does mean it, then you could accidentally increase your odds of getting attacked like this person got attacked after not trying to run away the moment she felt freaked out:
http://www.metafilter.com/85667/Hi-Whatcha-reading#2771816
“…It was late at night, I was coming back from a bar at 2am. I’d had one beer around 9pm, but I was really only at the bar to see The Flaming Lips (before they got really famous). I was in a really awesome mood walking home. When I got to my building, I got my mail and saw a letter from my best friend, whom I hadn’t gotten a letter from in a long time.
“It was a really nice night, so I went to my favorite place in the world, which was the nearby cemetery, to read my letter. My friends and I hung out there all the time, and it felt like a safe place. I was an art major studying photography, so I hung out there shooting gravestones and whatnot. It was right in the middle of town. I was wearing jeans, sneakers, a tee, and a hoodie.
“Sitting on the steps of the mausoleum, smoking a cigarette, I read. A guy startled me when he came around the corner (how long had he been there?) to ask me for a light. I was completely freaked out by the surprise, but I’m not the kind of girl who spooks too easily, and he was a guy wanting to smoke — we could be peers. I stood up to light his smoke and saw his mask. I froze. I froze solid. You read that your survival instincts kick in and you run automatically, but I froze.
“Next thing I know, he’s swinging me in circles by my sleeve, trying to throw me to the ground. I fought, but he was strong and I was so caught off guard. I have no idea how many times he spun me, but I eventually fell onto my back. I remember thinking FUCK ALL, I fell for the oldest trick in the book.
“He had a HUGE dick. I was no virgin, but I was totally not in the mood for sex, so I was not lubricated. He held a knife to my throat, so I didn’t budge, fearing he’d kill me. I knew he’d kill me. I didn’t scream that I recall, but I’m sure I did. No? I have no idea if I made a sound. I remember thinking very clearly that if I struggled, I’d die, but if I kept still and just let him do it, I’d be raped, but I’d live. I felt it all. I felt myself tear from the force of his giant dick pushing into me. I could feel blood everywhere. I shut my eyes and my mind raced. I knew I could live with being raped. It’s not death; it’s just a crazy form of sex. I knew sex, and I also remember thinking (crazily) that I would be able to disassociate this event from future sexual scenarios, so I would definitely be able to get over it and still have a good sexlife. I know. Crazy where your mind goes when you’re not in control. But it felt true, it felt relevant to think about it that way right then.
“What I remember most is the look in his eyes — remember that picture of Charles Manson on the cover of Life? He had those eyes, and it freaked me out. He also drooled and spat on me while he fucked me hard, making me bleed, and jesus fuck, but it hurt. They also say you don’t feel pain when your adrenaline is going, but I felt it. (The nurse cringed when she told me later that thankfully the blood acted like a lubricant, so I didn’t require surgery.) I remember the precise moment when the pain changed from searing tearing of flesh to the stinging of open cuts. It’s weird what you remember.
“It eventually ended. I lay on the ground, freezing cold suddenly, shaking like hell. I tried to play dead or something, listening to him running away. I curled up in a ball and cried, sort of screaming in a way, and I could hear myself start to retch before I felt it. I puked and tried to stand, but I blacked out and fell down on my hands and knees, making weird noises. I shut my eyes and tried to think about my next action. It took me a minute to remember what had just happened, I think because I blacked out for a few seconds. I realized what had happened in a rush, and I got up and ran home, crying, scared that he was waiting for me up the street, waiting to hurt me again. I didn’t sleep for days afterward because I was still frightened.
“Now, is that an explanation that makes you sort of understand why I’m hesitant to accept you right off the bat for the kind, intelligent, caring guy you probably are? It gives me no real pleasure to type this out for you, but by the same token, I’m not ashamed of it, and I don’t really mind talking about it in ’safe’ company. MetaFilter is something of a safe place for us, isn’t it?
“I’m a little apprehensive to _assume_ you’re cool if I don’t know you.
“All I’d done is give the guy a light. If it were you, and I’d have told you to leave me alone, or I’d run away, you’d be hurt. But see what happened once when I gave a guy a light? I can’t waste my time wondering if you’ll recover from this slight. If I give you some time and I explain to you WHY you frighten me, I run the risk of being labelled by you and blown-off. And it takes too many words to tell you why I’m afraid of some guys — some guys just set off the panic bell in my head, and I can’t even tell you why. It’s just a feeling, and it has roots even I don’t fully understand. You have to let me off the hook and just accept that I feel that way. Don’t get down on yourself. It’s not about you; it’s about me…”
Of course the rape is not her fault! Even if she did try to run, maybe he’d have still grabbed her. Likewise, it’s not your fault if you give someone the benefit of the doubt and that person turns out to not deserve it. Even if you don’t give a stranger the benefit of the doubt, you could still get attacked. At the same time, she’s now trying to lower the odds of it happening to her again and you have just as much of a right to protect yourself too.
“…It’s always good to watch one’s self and make sure one’s attentions are wanted.”
I completely agree, and that applies no matter if one has AS, or is NT, or whatever!
Point noted. And true.
I don’t think a girl shouldn’t run if she thinks she is in danger because the guy might be autistic. That is absurd?!
My message was mainly for those in loving relationships, or who are seeking love.And if help is needed on how to properly approach someone, there are classes on that actually. That would help curb the stalking thing I would hope.
And yes, he insn’t stalking me no more. Though it was creepy and infuriating.
“…My message was mainly for those in loving relationships, or who are seeking love…”
…and my points are also about those who are seeking love, who should definitely respect “No,” backing off, etc. instead of trying to overcome those barriers in the name of love.
“…And if help is needed on how to properly approach someone, there are classes on that actually. That would help curb the stalking thing I would hope…”
I hope so too! When one’s approaching people badly, *stopping that behavior* in order to not have it keep someone from loving you is much better than going “[he or she] should love me just the way I am instead of letting it get in the way” or whatever.
“…And yes, he insn’t stalking me no more…”
What a relief!
“…Though it was creepy and infuriating.”
No doubt!
In that scenerio I would agree with you. I don’t call that love however. There is a difference between love and unhealthy obsession.
That is what I call the stalking thing. If the person doesn’t back off after “no” is uttered, that is not love. They can call it that if they want, but it’s not love. It’s once again, unhealthy obsession.
I was speaking in general terms. If you love someone, and they love you back, then nothing can break that bond unless you allow it to. Of course, I agree, it’s a two way street, one I have travled on the unrequitted side before.
I meant that is you are alone, and you wish to be loved by someone, not really anyone specifically but you would like to find and be in a relationship with someone (fall in love with someone), then something like Asperger’s shouldn’t get in the way of that.
Especially if you find someone who loves you back enough to be willing to work with you, be paitent, and understand when you have difficulties saying or doing things that it doesn’t mean the person with AS does not love him/her.
In particular I was speaking to his situaction. I have read Kate’s blog, and she is as deeply in love with him as he is with her. So I was telling him with that sort of love, there is no barrier that can not be overcome.
Call me nieve, but I believe if you are truly meant to be with someone, no obstacle, no diagnoses, no barriers are there that can’t be overcome with God’s help, or the Universe, or whatever one happens to believe.
My point is Aspergers should not be a barrier to love. Not if it’s true love, and meant to be.
Call me a romantic.