After I all this crap in my life, loosing my fiance, my child and my dignity I started analyzing my self worth – and here is the truth.
So last night (13 hours ago I posted a question on twitter and facebook) as I’ve been thinking about suicide lately. I was hoping people would give me some sort of happy thoughts to live – and the amount of responses shows the sad truth. People would not miss me, the only reason they try and talk me out of suicide is because “suicide is wrong”.
I told myself people would really miss me, but the truth of the matter appears to be that I won’t be missed, I am not loved, and that my worth to society is less than cow manure.
Tomorrow I have to put my dog down, he has not eaten in over seven days – he was the last thing that really cared about me.
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Things are hard right now, but you have to keep your head up. You don’t want your child to be raised by that looney ex girlfriend and her psycho-controlling-crazy mother. Or raised by strangers, and God knows what they will tell the child about you…
I try to read your blog often, through google reader, and have forwarded it to my cousin and sister, who in the past, have read, because they have children on the spectrum. You have taught them that their children (ages 9 and 14) can have relationships, find a job and find FAITH in GOD, even though people have told them there was no chance, which I’m sure your parents were told too.
Please don’t put your dog down, he’s not eating because dogs tend to project the feelings of their owners. He’s depressed because you’re depressed. My dogs are very intuitive and know how I feel, and they act accordingly.
You need to call your family, call your pastor, feel free to even email me. Just talk to someone. Because you know what, people do care.
@MichelleB:
My dog has lost his best friend too. Kate was passionate about dogs and they helped her through stressful situations, so I had Kate take care of Lucky while she was here.
As far as family – there pretty much non-existant in my life, and my church does not know how to help in this situation so they pretty much don’t even want me around.
Well, where in the country are you? I can help you find someone to take care of Lucky while you go get some help (I read your most recent post).
As far as those in your church, they can help you by praying with and for you, even if they have a hard time understanding. I know they are having issues, but even your pastor may be able to take some extra time with you to help you through.
As I said before- always feel free to email me.
And I agree with Stephanie- we’ve all felt like this before. About two months ago, I went through a major personal crisis and thought all of my schooling to become an occupational therapist was going to be a waste. I had to reach out for help because I knew there were people that did care, and there are people that I have made a difference for- and that goes for you too. You have made a difference, in my life and my family, through sharing your life experiences about your blog.
I’ve been there, felt like and done that!
The only thing that really matters is what YOU think. Don’t worry if other people would miss you, or even “society” for that matter. The truth is that it DOESN’T matter if they would miss you.
Would you miss you?
You might miss yourself if you weren’t here. What if life got better and you missed it?
“Life is suffering” – said the Buddha. I’m not trying to push religion/philosophy on you but there is definitely truth to that statement.
What I like to do is find all of the beautiful things in nature. I love to go to the beach at night. This helps me through my tough times.
I would miss that! I would also miss art and poems and music and watching the same episodes of the same TV shows over and over and over…this has nothing to do with other people missing me but about what *I* love about the world.
Sure, there is a lot of bad stuff in life and not everyone is fortunate enough to have a great life, but along with the bad is the good…you’ll find it. I did.
@Stephanie Lynn Keil:
No I would not miss me, I hate me. Life will only get worse from this point forward.
There is nothing to love about this world anymore. I will never get a job, the one person who truely accepted me as me has left me and spread lies to please her mother. I’ll never have a family, I’ll never have anything.
I’m loosing my apartment because of Kate’s allegations, I’ve lost my dog because of Kate.
Zach,
I am so sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I just stumbled across your blog today and had to respond to you.
I hope that you will reach out to someone somewhere and get help. Call a hotline or go ahead and reach out to your family or your church, even if you think no one cares, and tell them bluntly you are contemplating suicide. You need assistance. And you need it now. Reach out and let someone help you.
@KWombles:
Again my family is non-existant.
My church knows I’ve been contemplating suicide. They just don’t know what they can do to help, and to be honest they seem to just say “I told you so, your reaping what you sewed. We warned you about Kate” (paraphrased)
Zach;
Just 5 years ago our son was dx’d with Asperger’s. He was barely managing in school, and getting beat up on a regular basis because he couldn’t tell friend from foe.
My husband and I were very concerned for his future – for when we were gone mostly. BEcause it did not appear our son would ever be able to live independendently. A group home, maybe.
Fast forward 5 years. He is now 14. He just came home from a week away at sleepaway camp. At a place he’s never been with 1200 strangers. And he can’t wait to go back next year!
My point? Things can change. Perspective can change.
Get your dog to the vet for care (my dog just died last week, I’d hate you to put yours down when he could be saved)and get yourself in to counselling.
Your value in this world should never be measured in the eyes of others.
@goddessoflubbock:
I’ve gotten my dog veterinary care, and second and third opinions. So go ahead hate me – everyone else does.
You can call the National Suicide Hotline 24 hours of the day.
In the USA: Please call 1-800-SUICIDE.
@jypsy:
I already called a Christian type line of the same kind
Teen Hope Line
1-800-394-Hope
These people were very helpful, but im feeling really abandoned by my “friends” and church “community”.
Zach,
I’m sorry, I took from your comment “pretty much non-existant in my life” that you still actually had family members, but were not in contact or good relationship with. And if your church is that ineffectual, then I’d say look for another church, or try again with the pastor, being blunt that you are suicidal and need immediate assistance; the pastor should be able to call around to local community resources and get you that help.
1-800-784-2433 is a suicide hotline number. They can help you find the help you need to handle things to make your life better. You should also look into local universities or community centers for low cost psychology or mental health clinics. Barring that, if you are truly desperate and at the end of your rope, walk in to the nearest mental health facility or ER and tell them you are suicidal and need help.
I am deeply sorry things are in such a bad place for you. And I hope that things will improve. Please, get some assistance on this. And keep posting, keep letting us know that you are here and still trying.
One of the pastor’s wives took me to the ER Friday…. they wanted me to get admitted but I chickened out…. I was scared.
Who is “they”?
What were you afraid of?
@jypsy:
They were The church
I was afraid of being even more alone
“These people were very helpful, but im feeling really abandoned by my “friends” and church “community”.”
Call either line and tell them that.
I have
I don’t think “suicide is wrong”. I think it is completely understandable under some circumstances, though I also understand that it helps to be clinically depressed to take that step, since most of us have an instinct to live that kicks in and causes heck. So maybe it’s always a sign of mental illness. Or is it? I don’t know. (I do think it’s wrong to leave people with so few resources that they contemplate suicide, but that’s a different issue.)
The only person you have to answer to, other than your dog, is your God. Has God finished with you yet? Have you finished with what you came here to do? Or do you simply lack the resources right now to continue on your quest? If you’re done, you’re done. It doesn’t seem like it to me, but what do I know? If you’re not, you need backup. The more specific you are about what your life is for, the easier it is to get that support.
Also, you might consider getting a puppy to fill the hole in your family.
I’m way too overwhelmed by this drama. I have two separate court cases.
Good point.
I have pretty severe autism. I don’t have a job and I’ve never had friends; I only talk to people online; I’ll never have a family and not much of anything, either. I used to always hate myself; now, only about 25% of the time do I hate myself.
I had a terrible youth and I am just beginning to start over. That’s what you need to do: start over. I know it will be very difficult but it IS possible: *I* did it an I was told I would spend the rest of my life in an institution. And yet, here I am, living at home, even taking a college class.
My mother tried to get rid of me as a child and has abandoned me as an adult because she is ashamed of her severely disabled child. It hurt, but I had to let it go. This is just one of many things that have happened to me…
I’m not completely happy yet, but I am getting there.
By the way, I accept you. And I think others do as well.
I’m not trying to talk you out of your feelings as I have felt the exact same way. But there are just too many wonderful things I would miss…
First off not everyone has twitter… Your link was the first time I ever visited it… 2nd maybe?
I know you have a condition [aspergers] and it can be hard at times but you cant rely on stuff like this online to try and cheer you up. Go out and get a hobby, meet new people, keep occupied so you dont even have think about it.
Going suicide would just hurt everyone around you.
My twitter also updates my facebook status.
Meeting people != Aspergers
Soon she has him eating out of her hand, bewitched by her honeyed speech. Before you know it, he’s trotting behind her, like a calf led to the butcher shop, Like a stag lured into ambush and then shot with an arrow, Like a bird flying into a net not knowing that its flying life is over. So, friends, listen to me, take these words of mine most seriously.
Don’t fool around with a woman like that; don’t even stroll through her neighborhood. Countless victims come under her spell; she’s the death of many a poor man. She runs a halfway house to hell, fits you out with a shroud and a coffin.
Thanks Captain Obvious
Sounds like the Church was trying to get you professional help.You say “my church does not know how to help in this situation” and “They just don’t know what they can do to help” but it sounds like they did exactly what should have been done – they took you to the ER and wanted to get you admitted so you could get professional help. They are not professionals, they can’t give you the help you need but they did try to connect you with it.
I’m just so afraid of going into the hospital because its always so alone. Right now I feel so alone, and its my biggest fear.
Zach, I don’t know you and I’ve only been reading your blog for a couple of weeks or so. I know what I have to say will probably mean nothing to you – why should you care what some woman on the other side of the world (I’m in Australia) says?
Please don’t kill yourself. Not because suicide is wrong (I don’t know that it is) but because things will change. Sounds stupid & trite, but it’s true. Things don’t stay static. What you’re feeling now will pass & the odds are your next feelings will be better. Seriously, could they get any worse? I have been suicidal and when I was in the depths of it I could not think clearly, I could not see the point of anything. Just wait. Your brain will probably get clearer.
You ask if anyone will miss you. Well I will say that I will miss you. I don’t know you but I like your posts. You come across as honest and you write well. I will miss your posts if you stop. My 5 year old son was diagnosed with autistic disorder last year and since his diagnosis I’ve come to suspect that I’m probably undiagnosed aspergers myself. You help other people too.
You are strong and you can get through this.
Thanks for the words of encouragement…. I direct you to this new post for an update on the sitation.
Hi.
I don’t usually comment on blogs, but I’ve been following your story for a while now. I’m not going to tell you that suicide is wrong, but it is awfully final, and it seems like what you’re facing is something you can get through, even if it is really hard.
If you need someone to talk to, I’m online quite a lot. [MODERATION: CONTACT INFO REMOVED] My sleep schedule’s pretty random, so there’s a good chance I’ll be awake even in the middle of the night if you need someone to talk to.
Thanks for the offer, I removed your contact information from the post for your privacy!
I just found your blog this morning in fact because I was searching for info on the new movie “Adam” and I’ve seen a few of your blog entries…. and then I saw this one and am moved to respond immediately.
I’m a 43 year old mom and my youngest son (age 20) has aspergers, so I write from what I know about living with my son. I know that when he is struggling with emotions that they tend to be very intensified versions of what the rest of us go through. I have told him many times that he must ALWAYS remember that if he ever feels suicidal that he must remember that “it is against the rules” and that another part of the “rules” is that he must tell us he is struggling and that he should see someone and get help for it. So as a mom I’m going to tell you the same thing.
I know that all along my son responded very well to rules, because they gave him order and assurance and a way to understand and deal with life. The good ones are in fact comforting guidelines that everyone should follow, do not murder, do not lie, do not steal, etc. “No suicide” is a rule of love, and you already know that “God is Love.” Because of these reasons I thought that I would make a point to speak about this subject in terms of “life rules”. I wonder if when people are telling you “suicide is wrong” they are attempting to convey love to you, they want very much to stop you from doing something so destructive and damaging and the quickest easiest route is to give you a “rule” out of a place of love and concern for you.
I’m here to tell you that life can and does hurt a LOT sometimes, but I also want to tell you that God can and does create beauty from ashes, strength from fear, gladness from mourning, and peace from despair. What you are going through right now will in fact turn out to be something God can and will use, because you are the kind of person whom God IS using. I beg of you live for God. Often in the Psalms David wrote about despair, his prayers to God were full of whatever anguish he was experiencing. Take this time and continue to pray…. be real with God above all things. It may seem like he isn’t listening but He is in fact. Life takes time to happen, give God time to work it out.
Right now I understand that you are hurting from life, from the stuff with your ex, at the thought of losing your child and your dog… this has got to be an extremely hard time for you. I’m going to beg of you to not hurt yourself in anyway. You have already helped me and I would in fact miss you even though I do not know you. I too have hurt from life and have contemplated suicide in the past because I didn’t think I could recover. But I did recover, and now I’m at a place where life is sweet, so incredibly sweet. I want you to experience your own brand of sweetness. For now what is important is to go back to the things that do comfort and soothe you. Distract yourself. Do whatever it is you love to do, throw yourself into that.
I have been searching online for resources to help my son, places where he can connect and identify with others and find a place where he feels he can be understood and where he can also understand others. Your blog stood out for me because you talk about God openly, and this is something I appreciate very much. I appreciate that you have put together this blog and are willing to share your experiences, insights and info with the rest of us. I appreciate you, and I have only just now found you. I am going to tell my son about your blog now. I hope he posts also to encourage you.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I direct you to this post for an update on the situation.