Recently a mother contacted us regarding her son seeking some advise on how to help her son socialize.
What’s the best way to help and support an Aspie like my son, who’s HIGHLY gifted academically, almost 16, finishing up 9th grade, above-average looks, perfect speech patterns — but terribly socially isolated. He’s basically low-key, avoids the phone and e-mail, and claims his isolation doesn’t bother him. But as his mom, I know it does. He can be warm and engaging with some family members (his dad and brother and me, just rarely with others). He told me several times he wants a girlfriend — though I can’t see that happening since he does not communicate with virtually ANY peers outside of school. And when he tries, he’s usually super awkward. Obviously, the days of mom arranging frequent play dates are long over! In fact, many of those former playmates are now outgoing teens who’ve drifted away from my son. I’m looking for advice and suggestions.
So I would like to open up the comment section on this post to others with suggestions on how to help this person.
As far as dating goes, I as a person with Aspergers am currently engaged. I’m not going to lie, relationships are much more difficult to those with Aspergers, but as anyone who is in a relationship longterm with someone that has Aspergers knows – were very loyal, loving and committed in relationships (Anyone wanna support this?)
As far as socializing goes people with Aspergers usually have an obsession or two, perhaps you could see if their is a group or fanclub that is of like minded people with his obsession.
What are your suggestions for this mother?
And if you have questions or need advise, please feel free to contact me.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I think a key phrase in the original post is, “…[he] claims his isolation doesn’t bother him.” If the young man is cool with things the way they are, I would say that is his choice. If he’s asking for help, that’s a different story. One place to start, if the young man wants to might be reading some books, such as those suggested by the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) http://www.autisticadvocacy.org/modules/smartsection/category.php?categoryid=33
Keep in mind that there always have been shy people and, by and large, especially when they are also good looking and intelligent, they’ve done just fine. Getting involved in clubs and trying some new things, though obviously a challenge are ways that, in the past, shy people (many of whom would now have an Aspergers diagnosis) have made friends and lovers.
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find a social skills program for your son’s age group – sometimes these are “breakfast clubs” or ‘ movie and pizza clubs”, etc for teens with aspergers… if there are none in your area,
what are your son’s special interests? sometimes friendships can develop with the special interests in common… also, jed baker has a social skills book for teens that may help….
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I understand that the mother wants to help her son be as happy as possible. That’s natural. But there’s a problem in this case. Trying to help may in fact be seen as an interference. He may feel lonely, but just think about this for a moment. Having a girlfriend (and I suspect – and I say this without knowing of course – that the young man may know this already) means having to socialise as a couple with her friends. Now that prospect would scare him. He’d been fine bringing his girlfriend home and meet the family – the love in the family is obvious. But new people outside his control zone (so to speak) creates an issue that would clash with the desire to have a girlfriend.
Now I’m not saying this to talk the mother out of the idea. Zach is engaged. I’ve been married for 17 years almost and I am also Aspie. The key is to find the right girl. I don’t know what Zach’s circumstances are and I’m not asking either because it’s none of my business – but I know that my wife didn’t have many friends. That made things easier for me and that’s why my hard work paid off. Zach could probably tell a similar story if he wanted to.
How to do that of course I couldn’t say. But the most important thing to remember is that to get a girlfriend does NOT have to be via socialising in the traditional sense. I met my wife through work for example. Again – Zach would have a story of his own. And there would be others as well. So no one should feel that they have to push their children to socialise in the traditional sense.
That’s my two cents, and I echo Zach’s request. This is the sort of thing that needs multiple ideas from many different people.
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