have been dating a man (we are both older) for a couple of months and basically he is an aspie, but in denial (at least to me).

the sex part is ok for now, we both have fun, but i hope it doesnt wane in time. i know from a previous marriage that once sex is gone i will wander elsewhere, i just can’t feel fullfilled without it.

the hardest part for me is the lack of attention. i seriously miss being told i look nice, or that he likes what i’m wearing, or that i smell nice, or even any interest in what i am doing. he literally seems completely disinterested in me at all. this hurts me to the core and made me feel for the first few months that he was just using me. now i realize that he is aspie it all makes sense, but can i live without it in my relationship? i dont know.

(of course, i realize i have not listed the positives here – without them there would be no relationship and no point! and yes, there are many).

here are questions i want to ask my aspie man, but can’t because he is in denial and will push me away:
is this something you can learn?
how would it feel to you to have a list of things you could say like “you look nice today” or “what did you do today” or “your hair smells nice”
i swear this would make so much difference and make me SO happy, even if i knew it was pre-learned, and even if i wasn’t looking nice that day. i don’t think any man should ever under estimate how important that is to a woman. we put in so much effort physically to attract men, and look our best for them and ourselves, it is a huge part of being female. our men would not be attracted to us if we didnt, so we know that you appreciate it, but its something we need to hear.
can it be learned?
good luck to everyone out there and than god for the internet.

I have exactly the same problem, and the same motivations as the original poster. It takes me forever to climax, and often I don’t. However, what I crave in sex is often not the sex itself, but the intimacy and self disclosure afterwards, which I can’t get at other times or with people I am not sexually involved with. Some girls think it’s great, the duracell, the guy who just keeps on going, but really I find it distressing. I find M’s comment above so interesting – getting distracted by the sum of the digits on the clock, I have exactly the same deal! I think about designs of computer programs or optimisation problems when I’m having sex, I can’t even seem to help it.

Most of my relationships have been very intense, short, and ended baldy because of misunderstandings. They do seem to happen frequently, but I can never instigate sexual contact, or even just holding hands, I can only reciprocate even if I’m longing just to touch the girl. Sometimes on seeing a girl for the first time after the first sexual contact I will act reserved, unsure if it’s understood mutually that more sexual contact should ensue. Once I took a 5 hour trip to see a girl I had been sleeping with in my home city while she was staying, and honestly had to wait for her to kiss me before making a move, because I was afraid it might backfire! Does any of this go through your minds? Any of it sound at all familiar?! Thanks!

R

Your letter could have been written by me…it’s indentical to my situation and i crave someone lusting over me. something i haven’t had since my partner and i got together.

In the beginning it was refreshing to have someone who seemed to look past the physical and want to know me…!!
i now realise he didn’t really like sex because it was all to complex for him to understand.

He never picked up on the facial, emotional ques, when i was distressed and hurt and upset, and i just took it that he didn’t care, i now realise he had no idea what to do, or how to even interpret emotions.

i don’t really have the answers to help you, but now realise that’s it’s not that we aren’t attractive, sexual, desirable people, it’s just that some Aspir’s have no desire for the intimate sexual side of a relationship.

He used to upset me enomously when someone would pay me a compliment (something he never does), or notice how much attention i’d gone to – to dress up and look pretty, or a guy would very obviously be chatting me up, and he didn’t show any kind of emotion of jealousy, or try and defend me, or step forward and say that I was with him,… and now i know he didn’t even know that’s expected of him, or how to do it, or even why he should do it….

so i’m still learning the characteristics of this Aspir’s definition, but it’s a “light being switched on “everytime i read something that relates to the way he acts/reacts.

i guess i’ll have to decide if i have the energy to keep learning , or opt out of this relationship for a “normal’ communicative relationship. something i crave.

take comfort knowing there are others like yourself in that “whirl” of distress and confusion, trying to make sense of someone who thinks on a different path.

i’ve tried everything, he’s just not interested, which was devastating for me. I try to keep myself fit attactive, and interesting, but nothing worked, until i was talking to someone about asperges syndrome in adults, and they started to reveal some of the difficulties “asperges” adults can have with regards to intimacy, and sex.

Right from the start of our relationship, he seemed to just “do it” to get it over with, and to keep me happy, then he used to get angry if i even brought up the subject , i just stopped completely raising the subject and moved into the spare bedroom. He hardly noticed and seemed pleased the pressure was off.
He used to lie about having orgasms anyway, and was never sensitive and romantic after sex, there was never that mushy time of love and lying in each others arms and closeness and fun after we had sex. When i’d say to him, “what are you thinking, or did you enjoy that, or lets do something fun”, he’d get angry and just talk about when the car needed a service, or when the kids had activities on next and anything other than intimate talk.

So after 12years together, sleeping in separate bedrooms for the past 3years, (mainly because i can’t stand sleeping next to someone i adore and not being able to hug and cuddle them much less have sex with them), i am frantically reading everything i can find to help understand my partners’ way of thinking and see if “I “can bring us back together, and i say “ME” bring us back together, because he doesn’t see we have any problems. And we don’t ,as long as i don’t touch him, or expect any kind of emotional support, communication on basic level about family or issues i might have with friends or family.
He hates, and is totally unable to find the words to communicate any kind of emotions. it’s like asking him to speak German. he’s got no idea how to do it. He has no idea what to say when i ask him what he’s feeling. If i ask him what he’s thinking, he tells me, he’s thinking of going to Bunnings on Saturday to get a never drill, or changing the fluro light in the garage, or changing the blades on the mower, or worming the dogs, NEVER says he’s thinking of me, or how much he loves me and how proud he is of something i’ve done. NEVER.
So in conclusion, life with him is: difficult, lonely, frustrating, and hard, and if he didn’t take brillant care of the house, the bills, cook all the meals, do all the shopping, love my daughter, shower affection and love on my animals, and do all repairs on absolutely anything that breaks, i guess i’d leave him.
Nothing is ever PERFECT in any relationship , i just have to appreciate what his strengths are and minimise the distress within myself, with the lack of affection and sex.

To alot of women he’s the perfect husband.
Ps after 12years together he still hasn’t worked up the courage and the words to ask me to marry him, he says he will get around to it, hopefully it’s before my butt his the ground with old age.

chin up kids, keep moving forward and everyday is a learning process.

Many of the posts above ring true, echoing the (lack of) sex life my wife and I have. We have sex occassionally (once a month if lucky) and my main purpose of this is to make her happy – I love her to bits, and want to be able to provide her with the bedroom love she deserves. However, I have a big problem being able to initiate such occasions, and when she tries to initiate I respond negatively without even thinking. I would welcome any suggestions in how to make my lovelly fantastic wife happy in this area?

I’m usually too concerned about having enough time, or housework that needs to be done, or playing sport the next day …. the list goes on. ii) Not being distracted (mentally) during the sex, by anything from the sum of the numbers on the clock LED, to wondering what next Sunday’s lunch is likely to be. iii) Finding the time, preparation and situation to initate something myself, when it isn’t coming naturally, and iv) and this is the hardest one – believing it is ok to be who I am, and also believing it is ok to try and be someone I’m not and instigate sex.

Help. please.

As far as I can tell, my trouble never arose as a result of sensory issues. It has mostly been due to anxiety, even with someone with whom I had shared my life with for a considerable amount of time.

Shortly after my last major relationship ended, the gender dysphoria returned and I had a homosexual experience. Then I started playing World of Warcraft, which exacerbated my social anxiety and buried my gender dysphoria. I stopped caring about relationships altogether.

Now, I’m back in school, which leaves no room for WoW. My social anxiety is getting better, but due to gender dysphoria, I’m not sure what the future holds regarding relationships or sex. I’ve considered hormone replacement therapy and/or orchidectomy, which would eliminate sex as a factor altogether. It’s really tough living on 3 different spectrums (4 if you include “expression”). Every day is different when you are dealing with variations of gender, sexual orientation, and neurodiversity.