One of the effects of Aspergers Syndrome is meltdowns or difficulties dealing with too much stimuli. One of the things that sex happens to bring with it is, stimulation in large amounts to all the senses. Thus anyone can see here that Aspergers and Sex can be an interesting and somewhat problematic combination. With my lovely fiance’s permission, I’m going to talk about how Aspergers has effected our sex lives. Its our hope that by stating some of these things we can help others, and even get some help ourselves.
WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS ADULT MATERIAL
Its no secret that sex is stimulating. The touch, the smells, the sights, and the eye contact can be quite a bit for anyone to handle. When you stir Aspergers Syndrome into the mix sex can be a difficult thing. I have to admit the biggest thing I learned with Katelyn when trying to keep a healthy sex life with the difficulties Aspergers Syndrome added to it is the need to keep open and honest communication about our needs and feeling in this department. Once I was able to be open and honest with Katelyn, and she was able to be open and honest with me – it was a much more enjoyable experience.
Lets Get Blunt
For me Aspergers has quite a drastic effect on sex. The feelings, textures, emotions, smells and noises end up getting overwhelming to the point of distracting my mind. I’m not sure if its the fact of all the overwhelming senses or the fact that I was given many different medications when I was younger but the embarrassing truth is I have trouble getting off during sex. When Katelyn and I first started having sex I would fake the orgasm – yes you heard it right, a guy that would fake an orgasm. Finally I told Katelyn after feeling guilty about faking it so many times, and she understood and we talked about it.
Since our conversation Katelyn and I had our first orgasm during sex. (For those that are thinking idiots, Katelyn was already pregnant at this point. That’s a story I’m not going to share.) I’ve had sex with Katelyn many, many times but I have to say after communicating to Katelyn my needs which were taking it slower then we were before I was able to “reach the goal.”
Now even after communicating, me reaching orgasm is quite rare. I often worry if I am doing a good enough job pleasing Katelyn or if I am just a bore. I remember crying after having sex many times because of this and Katelyn telling me that my “elephant trunk was sufficient and pleasing” a reference to the movie Mozart and the Whale. After going through this thing a couple times after sex Katelyn told me she wanted me to finish myself off while she did herself so we both could enjoy it. I felt so loved when she told me that, and to this day if I can’t get off that’s what we do.
What Do You Get Out Of It Then?
So if you don’t ever orgasm during sex – then what do you get out of it? Well I get a lot out of it, seeing the one I love having a good time, being so close to the one I love, the cuddling afterwords, the falling asleep together. I have to say even though I rarely orgasm during sex – I look forward to the closeness and intimacy it offers – and even more so the cuddling afterwords.
If your wanting to comment anonmyously on this go ahead as its a personal topic. But I would like to to know if others with Aspergers have similar difficulties?
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I’d kind of like to get around to such things… But I’m quite shy, which is a problem.
Plus I feel when I finally get around to having sex, I’m going to really have to trust the person I’m with. (leaning more towards a man.)
I don’t know how people have sex with people they don’t know.
It strikes me as a bit icky. I’d have to feel safe and comfortable with a person first.
But it’s hard for me to meet new people too.
I really appreciated your frankness. I am with someone who has Aspergers. I liked what you said about slowing down and I wonder if that is what is needed for us. When we first met it was absolutely crazy, it seemed like we were instantly in love and sex was a massive thing, we just couldn’t get enough of each other, it was wonderful and then suddenly overnight it changed. He seemed distracted, unable to focus on what we were doing and disinterested in sex, yet all of his other behaviors are the actions and words of someone who is still very much in love. It is like someone came in the middle of the night and built a big road block that I don’t know how to get past. What makes it harder is that he is unable to talk about it and says that he doesn’t know what’s going on either. I’m not sure if it’s an aspergers related issue or simply an incompatible relationship. If anyone can share their experience that might help it would be appreciated.
I recommend open and honest communication with your partner to find your differences.
how many honest men are there in this world?
thx for ur post, zach… this aspie chick here is swamped with sensory stimuli of all kinds all the time… i absolutely love sex, but yes it does hv a certain effect on me, and connecting with someone else is one of the hardest thing i cld ever attempt, yet it is the one thing i yearn for most of all… sex is a big part of this connection… the wonders and the horrors… it all comes in one aspie package doesnt it? sorry i m not making sense today, this goldfish in a bowl… but i like ur writing… keep going zach
Thanks for leaving a comment. You don’t know how much I appreciate the feedback.
I just reread this comment and I have to say the one things I want most is “social connection” as well, and its the hardest thing for me to get.
i get u, zach… connecting deeply with someone on the level of emotional and physical intimacy is something i hv never managed to achieve or to make last for any satisfying length of time… and i wonder often to myself, is it asperger’s that makes me a magnet for pp who dont mean what they say and who make grand statements which they never intend to follow thru, or is it just the way humans are and aspies just have a faulty ‘recovery mechanism’ so we hurt so insanely bad and take so ridiculously long (if ever at all) to get over things?
but let’s cling onto hope
I’m afraid to say I don’t have any problems with sex. It is one of my few areas, same as riding horses, where I actually like it a lot, and the overstimulation of a deeo sexual relationship I also really like, not dislike. The more sex, the better. I love touching and being touched, and no problems having orgasms, sometimes I can have more than one or even several – depends on how exciting the sex is and the guy. I also really like to cuddle. A sexual relationship with someone I love who feels the same way about me is the one sphere where I can really have that deep connection I can’t have in so many other ways and areas. But that’s me, and I don’t suggest it’s this way for anyone else. And I can’t explain why I don’t have so many of the problems I have in so many other areas due to my Autism, but I don’t. Maybe it was because I was sexually groomed and molested before age 5, I imprinted my deepest relationships and ability to feel and experience emotions and connections with another at the imprinting age thru sexual relationships – I LIKED it (to the horror of most adults). I don’t know what to say. I know it goes against what most people think on the subject.
corr: ” deeo sexual relationship” = deep sexual relationship