One of the effects of Aspergers Syndrome is meltdowns or difficulties dealing with too much stimuli. One of the things that sex happens to bring with it is, stimulation in large amounts to all the senses. Thus anyone can see here that Aspergers and Sex can be an interesting and somewhat problematic combination. With my lovely fiance’s permission, I’m going to talk about how Aspergers has effected our sex lives. Its our hope that by stating some of these things we can help others, and even get some help ourselves.
WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS ADULT MATERIAL
Its no secret that sex is stimulating. The touch, the smells, the sights, and the eye contact can be quite a bit for anyone to handle. When you stir Aspergers Syndrome into the mix sex can be a difficult thing. I have to admit the biggest thing I learned with Katelyn when trying to keep a healthy sex life with the difficulties Aspergers Syndrome added to it is the need to keep open and honest communication about our needs and feeling in this department. Once I was able to be open and honest with Katelyn, and she was able to be open and honest with me – it was a much more enjoyable experience.
Lets Get Blunt
For me Aspergers has quite a drastic effect on sex. The feelings, textures, emotions, smells and noises end up getting overwhelming to the point of distracting my mind. I’m not sure if its the fact of all the overwhelming senses or the fact that I was given many different medications when I was younger but the embarrassing truth is I have trouble getting off during sex. When Katelyn and I first started having sex I would fake the orgasm – yes you heard it right, a guy that would fake an orgasm. Finally I told Katelyn after feeling guilty about faking it so many times, and she understood and we talked about it.
Since our conversation Katelyn and I had our first orgasm during sex. (For those that are thinking idiots, Katelyn was already pregnant at this point. That’s a story I’m not going to share.) I’ve had sex with Katelyn many, many times but I have to say after communicating to Katelyn my needs which were taking it slower then we were before I was able to “reach the goal.”
Now even after communicating, me reaching orgasm is quite rare. I often worry if I am doing a good enough job pleasing Katelyn or if I am just a bore. I remember crying after having sex many times because of this and Katelyn telling me that my “elephant trunk was sufficient and pleasing” a reference to the movie Mozart and the Whale. After going through this thing a couple times after sex Katelyn told me she wanted me to finish myself off while she did herself so we both could enjoy it. I felt so loved when she told me that, and to this day if I can’t get off that’s what we do.
What Do You Get Out Of It Then?
So if you don’t ever orgasm during sex – then what do you get out of it? Well I get a lot out of it, seeing the one I love having a good time, being so close to the one I love, the cuddling afterwords, the falling asleep together. I have to say even though I rarely orgasm during sex – I look forward to the closeness and intimacy it offers – and even more so the cuddling afterwords.
If your wanting to comment anonymously on this go ahead as its a personal topic. But I would like to to know if others with Aspergers have similar difficulties?
Check Out These Books For More Info:
- Making Sense of Sex: A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People With Asperger’s Syndrome
- Love, Sex and Long-Term Relationships: What People With Asperger Syndrome Really Really Want
- The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A guide to an Intimate Relationship with a Partner who has Asperger Syndrome
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{ 55 comments… read them below or add one }
I’d kind of like to get around to such things… But I’m quite shy, which is a problem.
Plus I feel when I finally get around to having sex, I’m going to really have to trust the person I’m with. (leaning more towards a man.)
I don’t know how people have sex with people they don’t know.
It strikes me as a bit icky. I’d have to feel safe and comfortable with a person first.
But it’s hard for me to meet new people too.
I really appreciated your frankness. I am with someone who has Aspergers. I liked what you said about slowing down and I wonder if that is what is needed for us. When we first met it was absolutely crazy, it seemed like we were instantly in love and sex was a massive thing, we just couldn’t get enough of each other, it was wonderful and then suddenly overnight it changed. He seemed distracted, unable to focus on what we were doing and disinterested in sex, yet all of his other behaviors are the actions and words of someone who is still very much in love. It is like someone came in the middle of the night and built a big road block that I don’t know how to get past. What makes it harder is that he is unable to talk about it and says that he doesn’t know what’s going on either. I’m not sure if it’s an aspergers related issue or simply an incompatible relationship. If anyone can share their experience that might help it would be appreciated.
I recommend open and honest communication with your partner to find your differences.
After 28 years of marriage my wife divorced me. I feel that she did it out of her true love for me. She really feels that she was doing/forcing me to face that I was a homosexual. I had come to doubt my sexuality over the past few years, determining that I must be bisexual, and she could eventually not get past that. She said that in retrospect she should have seen it from the beginning since I was often not able to climax during our lovemaking and we pleasured ourselves via masturbation. I also have diabetes and ED is a significant part of the side effects. Bundled together she and I did the best that we could over the years. She has issues (like we all do not all have issues) and our mutual poor self-image just aggravated the situation. She said that I was lacking passion and that it indicated that I was living a lie and must be homosexual since I looked at porn online. So we just let it all slip away and divorced this last summer, after what feel was very poor counseling. I know that I am rambling! I since learned that my mother, an RN, felt that my father must have had Asperberger’s perhaps related to fetal alcohol syndrome since both parents were alcoholics and his father died of alcohol poisoning.
I have also received a diagnosis that I suffer from adult ADHD. I have started a prescription and I can feel the difference at times. I also have learned that ADHD and Asperger’s go together.
I do not know where this is going, but I guess what I am wanting to know is if all of my problems with intimacy are the result of the combo of ED, ADHD, and Asperger’s? Is there even a simple answer to my question?
I really need to know if I can possibly look forward to being passionate or being able to satisfy a partner emotionally, sexually, and intimately. I am so scared that I am so screwed up after all of these years that I am beyond hope!
Thank you for bearing your soul about this issue. I always thought that I was the only one, and that I was simply denying my homosexuality. I have been so afraid and alone for the last 6 months. Thank you, thank you for I was truly at the end and thinking if I had the passion to just disappear from my daughter’s life before I further embarrassed her.
HI, i am also in a relationship with an “asperges male”, and have only just discovered this , it’s been a huge relief to realise there may be a reason for increasing distance between us, i just thought we were drifting apart through lack of love and common interests. He absolutely has no interested in any form of intimacy, whether that’s cuddling, sex, communication, romantic dinners, lingerie, touching etc etc,
i’ve tried everything, he’s just not interested, which was devastating for me. I try to keep myself fit attactive, and interesting, but nothing worked, until i was talking to someone about asperges syndrome in adults, and they started to reveal some of the difficulties “asperges” adults can have with regards to intimacy, and sex.
Right from the start of our relationship, he seemed to just “do it” to get it over with, and to keep me happy, then he used to get angry if i even brought up the subject , i just stopped completely raising the subject and moved into the spare bedroom. He hardly noticed and seemed pleased the pressure was off.
He used to lie about having orgasms anyway, and was never sensitive and romantic after sex, there was never that mushy time of love and lying in each others arms and closeness and fun after we had sex. When i’d say to him, “what are you thinking, or did you enjoy that, or lets do something fun”, he’d get angry and just talk about when the car needed a service, or when the kids had activities on next and anything other than intimate talk.
So after 12years together, sleeping in separate bedrooms for the past 3years, (mainly because i can’t stand sleeping next to someone i adore and not being able to hug and cuddle them much less have sex with them), i am frantically reading everything i can find to help understand my partners’ way of thinking and see if “I “can bring us back together, and i say “ME” bring us back together, because he doesn’t see we have any problems. And we don’t ,as long as i don’t touch him, or expect any kind of emotional support, communication on basic level about family or issues i might have with friends or family.
He hates, and is totally unable to find the words to communicate any kind of emotions. it’s like asking him to speak German. he’s got no idea how to do it. He has no idea what to say when i ask him what he’s feeling. If i ask him what he’s thinking, he tells me, he’s thinking of going to Bunnings on Saturday to get a never drill, or changing the fluro light in the garage, or changing the blades on the mower, or worming the dogs, NEVER says he’s thinking of me, or how much he loves me and how proud he is of something i’ve done. NEVER.
So in conclusion, life with him is: difficult, lonely, frustrating, and hard, and if he didn’t take brillant care of the house, the bills, cook all the meals, do all the shopping, love my daughter, shower affection and love on my animals, and do all repairs on absolutely anything that breaks, i guess i’d leave him.
Nothing is ever PERFECT in any relationship , i just have to appreciate what his strengths are and minimise the distress within myself, with the lack of affection and sex.
To alot of women he’s the perfect husband.
Ps after 12years together he still hasn’t worked up the courage and the words to ask me to marry him, he says he will get around to it, hopefully it’s before my butt his the ground with old age.
chin up kids, keep moving forward and everyday is a learning process.
how many honest men are there in this world?
thx for ur post, zach… this aspie chick here is swamped with sensory stimuli of all kinds all the time… i absolutely love sex, but yes it does hv a certain effect on me, and connecting with someone else is one of the hardest thing i cld ever attempt, yet it is the one thing i yearn for most of all… sex is a big part of this connection… the wonders and the horrors… it all comes in one aspie package doesnt it? sorry i m not making sense today, this goldfish in a bowl… but i like ur writing… keep going zach
Thanks for leaving a comment. You don’t know how much I appreciate the feedback.
I just reread this comment and I have to say the one things I want most is “social connection” as well, and its the hardest thing for me to get.
i get u, zach… connecting deeply with someone on the level of emotional and physical intimacy is something i hv never managed to achieve or to make last for any satisfying length of time… and i wonder often to myself, is it asperger’s that makes me a magnet for pp who dont mean what they say and who make grand statements which they never intend to follow thru, or is it just the way humans are and aspies just have a faulty ‘recovery mechanism’ so we hurt so insanely bad and take so ridiculously long (if ever at all) to get over things?
but let’s cling onto hope
Spunky!
I understand how you feel, I think. I wanted to make my wife feel how special she made me feel. Just the idea that I could make her sexually fulfilled was all I needed. I wasn’t 2o any more so a perpetual erection was no longer an option. I could not tell her how to satisfy me because I was convinced that my sexual desires were not normal. We both had significant self image issues and thus could not get past our own debilitations. Using white lies was just crack for my Aspergers, a slow steady descent to a wallow of self pity that did neither of us any good. She deserved better and I deserved better from myself!
Ramble, ramble…anyway you are not alone, by any means. I will get through this at the advanced age of 50! and so will you.
Drew
I’m afraid to say I don’t have any problems with sex. It is one of my few areas, same as riding horses, where I actually like it a lot, and the overstimulation of a deeo sexual relationship I also really like, not dislike. The more sex, the better. I love touching and being touched, and no problems having orgasms, sometimes I can have more than one or even several – depends on how exciting the sex is and the guy. I also really like to cuddle. A sexual relationship with someone I love who feels the same way about me is the one sphere where I can really have that deep connection I can’t have in so many other ways and areas. But that’s me, and I don’t suggest it’s this way for anyone else. And I can’t explain why I don’t have so many of the problems I have in so many other areas due to my Autism, but I don’t. Maybe it was because I was sexually groomed and molested before age 5, I imprinted my deepest relationships and ability to feel and experience emotions and connections with another at the imprinting age thru sexual relationships – I LIKED it (to the horror of most adults). I don’t know what to say. I know it goes against what most people think on the subject.
I wasn’t molested or anything, but I and my siblings are all hypersexual. Apparently normal people have a latency period as a kid where they don’t care about sex or sexual stuff. None of us ever had that. I love having boyfriends. Cuddling is the best ever. And I love making out, although I wouldn’t recommend doing it on a playscape because you’ll wake up with bruises on the back of your head the next morning. I can’t have vaginal sex as of yet because I’m rather small down there, and I think I may have vaginismus, but that doesn’t stop me from having fun. And you know what else? When I was dating another Aspie the summer before I started college, I discovered he really liked it if I wrapped my thighs around his stomach/diaphragm area and squeezed him. Ya’ll should try it sometime, it seems to calm the faint buzzing in your brain. Like Grandin’s squeeze machine, except free and comes with social interaction
corr: ” deeo sexual relationship” = deep sexual relationship
Very interesting post. I have to admit that I probably enjoy the idea of sex more than sex itself. (I’m also a lesbian, so that’s a whole ‘nother set of issues, too) It’s an odd dichotomy of both wishing to be close to someone and wishing not to be. Hmmm…
OMG.
Yes.
My Husband is just like that in bed.
He almost NEVER gets off, and has to finish himself.
I always used to take it personally…but then again I took everything personally before his recent diagnosis.
“That uncaring, insensitive jerk” is written all over my weight loss blog…that will be changing with my new entries.
But yes, you’re not alone with lasting for foooreevverrrr, and not being able to orgasm all the time.
J!
Yes that is how my wife thought of me … insensitive, lying, SOB who just can not admit that he is gay … that is the only reason that he must masturbate to climax and really only enjoys the doggie style position (mimicking anal/gay sex) when he does want to have sex. Why would I want to have sex when all it does is reinforce my inadequacy as a man!
i am deeply in love with a guy with aspergers who is also a virgin and has a 2″ micropenis. i have tried to get him off with my hands and mouth but he’s stuck in a jerk-off pattern (habit) and i don’t know if we will ever be able to have intercourse because his penis is tiny and because he’s so sensitive to touch. we do lots of cuddling, back rubs, laying on each other’s back, partner yoga and such. because his asperger’s makes him a non-jealous, non-possessive person, he said he wouldn’t mind/care if i had sex with other men while keeping my primary relationship with him. i want him to be jealous and possessive and only want me and only want me to be with him. what’s a girl to do?
I’m an NT (I think) woman in a 12.5 year relationship with a man I love. We just discovered the symptoms of Aspergers and a lot of things suddenly make sense. Sex has been a difficult issue for some years now. I spent a lot of time trying to “fix” our sexual relationship, blaming myself for much of it. As time went on, I started to get angry with him that he never seemed to be trying to improve things, that it all seemed to be up to me. He also has some difficulty climaxing, which I often took personally. It’s hard for me to relax and enjoy sex if I feel like my partner isn’t really excited, more of an observer than someone really involved in the interaction. Plus, it seemed like the only times the sex was really good was when I committed myself to enjoyment, in spite of whatever he was doing or not doing. It always felt like he wasn’t really paying attention to what my needs were, when I was trying so hard to make him feel good. I can’t count how many times I wanted to yell at him to PAY ATTENTION! Eventually, I started to believe that we were just not sexually compatible, and began to consider whether or not I could live the rest of my life like that. I used to be a highly sexual person, but this situation has certainly dimmed that light. Now that I’ve read about Aspergers, I can understand intellectually that it’s not his fault. It wasn’t that he wasn’t paying attention to my needs, it was that he was incapable of understanding my nonverbal communication (which in my other experiences is the most common type of sexual communication). That has helped, but it’s all still pretty new to me and emotionally, I resent feeling that I’ve wasted all of my sexual energy and worry that I’ll never be sexually fulfilled unless I leave him. I just don’t know how much longer I can go on feeling as if I’m alone in this relationship, even though I know he loves me. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to cope with this?
HI, i’ve just posted a comment on someone else’s letter, but felt i need to say something here too.
Your letter could have been written by me…it’s indentical to my situation and i crave someone lusting over me. something i haven’t had since my partner and i got together.
In the beginning it was refreshing to have someone who seemed to look past the physical and want to know me…!!
i now realise he didn’t really like sex because it was all to complex for him to understand.
He never picked up on the facial, emotional ques, when i was distressed and hurt and upset, and i just took it that he didn’t care, i now realise he had no idea what to do, or how to even interpret emotions.
i don’t really have the answers to help you, but now realise that’s it’s not that we aren’t attractive, sexual, desirable people, it’s just that some Aspir’s have no desire for the intimate sexual side of a relationship.
He used to upset me enomously when someone would pay me a compliment (something he never does), or notice how much attention i’d gone to – to dress up and look pretty, or a guy would very obviously be chatting me up, and he didn’t show any kind of emotion of jealousy, or try and defend me, or step forward and say that I was with him,… and now i know he didn’t even know that’s expected of him, or how to do it, or even why he should do it….
so i’m still learning the characteristics of this Aspir’s definition, but it’s a “light being switched on “everytime i read something that relates to the way he acts/reacts.
i guess i’ll have to decide if i have the energy to keep learning , or opt out of this relationship for a “normal’ communicative relationship. something i crave.
take comfort knowing there are others like yourself in that “whirl” of distress and confusion, trying to make sense of someone who thinks on a different path.
I would TALK about it with him. Words are highly important to us, and there is nothing wrong with using your words instead of your body to tell him what you want.
Oh, thank you sooo much for having brought up the subject.
My husband and I have been together for the past 17 years. Sex was quite” normal” at first, but then some things did start to worry me.
It would take forever for him to climax. we would spend sometimes more than an hour making love but he would hardly ever climax.
And then he never did anymore. I felt so inadequate and lost a lot of confidence. I thought he did not find me attractive anymore even though he said he did.
We ended up making love less and less often. I sort of got accustomed to that and we even mentioned the fact that he might be asexual. But then I know that that could not be the case as he was occasionally( probably still ) using porn.
Now it has been more than 2 years and still no sex.
the BIG difference is that he has now been diagnosed with AS. Since going to counselling, he has opened up and told me that the main issue for him seems to be his sensory overload. And there is something else also, but he is quite reluctant to share it with me.
He thinks that my self esteem could be hurt if I knew what it was. After asking him about it, I think that I have found out what it is . I tried to bring up the subject about this recently but he completely blanked me out.
The thing is I was there when “it” happened once and I find it difficult to ignore. Basically, we were once having sex when all of a sudden he talked ” dirty”. I was quite surprised at the word he used and straight away asked him ” what did you just say?” and then he answered: ” nothing”. I thought I must have dreamt it,but now I am completely sure that must be the issue. I must say that I really would not mind ” dirty ‘ talk, as i know that he loves me.
We are going to a couple counsellor on Tuesday and I hope that this will help.
I just love him so much. He is an incredibly kind person but I find it so hard that we cannot have sex anymore.
Again, I am so grateful that you posted this.
i am the mother of craig who is 28 and has high functioning aspergers, he wants to experience sex but im not sure how to go about this for him, any ideas.
thankyou
carol
I to have been recently diagnosed with AS. When my wife and i make love i never worry about me…only her…i don’t care if i come..it takes a long time….and if i do come and she does not then i feel real guilty….then i have an even harder time relaxing the next time…..this just keeps building and i can never let the past mistakes go….we are working on this….its odd to read about the people that have the same problem as my wife and i….she also feel like she must be doing something wrong or be ugly….she is perfect to me…..i just cant let things go…..like being trapped…..
My husband and I just realized that he may have undiagnosed Asperger’s. He took an AQ test on line and scored a 39. Once we realized this, everything that was happening between us made sense. I must admit, I felt a bit like an idiot for not realizing this sooner. There had been a couple of times that i
had looked at him and thought that he reminded me of the Autistic kids I used to work with (I am a former special education teacher).
We have only been married a little less than a year, and my biggest concern about sex is that I feel an emotional detachment at times. He is great at the physical part of it, but “pillow talk” and spontaneous sex are definite issues….
We have only suspected this for about a week, and we have both been hunting the web for information and encouragement. We are not finding a whole lot out there. From what I have read, people with AS can learn cognitively what others learn intuitively, and he says he wants to try to deal with some of the issues he has struggled with his whole life (not just sex, but other issues as well).
Because of my background in special education, and my love of writing, I am thinking of pulling together some materials on my own. I would like to gather information on the struggles that others have had as well as some solutions they have tried.
Please feel free to respond
You need to be careful about online tests. While they may provide insight there no where near a real test. I hope you get the answers you seek
I was in a relationship with an undiagnosed aspie. He recently ended it saying he doesn’t believe he feels the right kind of emotions for me. There is something I don’t understand. Our sex life was fraught: he never seemed terribly interested, never took the initiate, only really orgasmed if I helped him along manually – and it took ages and he’d lose his erection often. Actual intercourse was a rarity because he would lose his erection on approaching intercourse. Apparently, he was able to have intercourse with his girlfriend before me. So, I conclude that he simply doesn’t fancy me. Can an Aspie bring it about with some women but not others? I don’t understand. I feel utterly unattractive and unappealing.
I think its possible for all people to have issues getting it up with some people verses others… different strokes for different folks you know?
I can tell you right now that my wife and I have been married for going on 5 years, but because she needs to physically touch me I get easily overstimulated, and as such I just can’t maintain an erection or finish strong, we didn’t have this problem as much earlier in our relationship as far as I can remember, but it’s considerably more of a problem now, because of the difficulties we’ve had in the past few years. I wouldn’t blame yourself, It really could have entirely been him. But sometimes we just don’t know how to communicate it!!!
what a wonderful resource, to be able to find people in similar situations. I’m in a fairly new relationship with an undiagnosed asbie. Sex has been wonderful, but somewhat different than my past experiences. That pretty much rings true for all aspects of the relationship. We both enjoy intercourse but he has not had an orgasm that way, he can go for a long time, but says sometimes even during sex he becomes to tensed up intwenally
It’s so amazing to hear all of your stories. I too am dating a guy just newly diagnosed with Aspergers, we have been together (officially) for 10 months but dating on and off for around three years. He’s completely different to anyone i’ve ever met before. When we first had sex our relationship was difficult, but since we took the chance to become partners it has greatly improved, and he is really an amazing caring guy. I guess our problems stem mostly from more typical issues, like his need for sex, his sexual appetite is far greater than my own and i have trouble keeping up. He is also physically quite a big guy and i’m usually sore down there five minutes into intercourse, even after foreplay. Overall we both try not to get too hung up on sex, as well as try to communicate as much as possible about what we like. And the best thing is, even if one of us gets it wrong we just laugh about it and move on. I remember one of my fondest memories is when he asked me if i wanted to try dirty talk, apparently he had been reading up about it online. I agreed, wanting to be open and encouraging to try new things, but when we were having sex, him being an aspie, what was meant to turn me on just cracked me up. Because he was just so literal with everything he said, I felt like I was in biology or sex ed class. That was hard for us because he couldn’t understand why i laughed, but I just kissed him and we talked about it and worked it out. But to me these things are truly why i love him, because i am just as awkward, socially and sexually, as he is. I think good communication is definitely essential, if you can’t be completely honest with each other it’s time to start, it’s the only way two people can make sure both of their needs are met.
I’ve tried to get over it by having sex as much as possible. unfortunately i have to be drunk to be passably sociable enough to do this with anyone so the trouble is that i don’t remember in the morning. help please?
What sort of social problems are you having?
This blog is fascinating. I dated someone with – undiagnosed – Asperger. I could never understand why he seemed so panic-stricken at the thought of intercourse. Having said that, we always had a really enjoyable time pleasuring one another – and that was always enough. Intercourse was ocassional.
But we are no longer together and I suffer still. We have remained friends. I love him dearly, and I have told him as much, but he doesn’t believe he has the right kind of feelings for me and blows hot and cold. How would he know if he did, though? I suppose, like anyone, if he had any feelings for me he’d know it. I like this blog. I find it comforting.
Truthfully, As an aspie, I can tell you that I can’t clearly tell whether I love my wife or if I feel sorry for her, I’m afraid to be alone, and feel obligated to stick in my marriage.
The one thing I can tell you is for me the signals are very confusing, and I constantly wish I had a better understanding of what it’s like to be Neurotypical: like my wife, you, and the other people without Aspergers / Autism
Thank you so much for this. I recently got involved with a man who has had AS since childhood. We have just gotten to the point of being much closer, as our feelings are clearly progressing. He explained the AS from the start, so at least I knew enough to talk about, well, everything with him. I am so happy someone has written this- it has helped tremendously.
I am with a man that after, doing the research on aspergers, I think that this is him to the T. We have been married for 12 years and i get so upset that he doesn’t want sex like I do, I mean he is a man he should want it all the time! I always have to initiate, I always have to bug him about it. He gives me his full undivided attention when we are having sex, but that is the only time. There have been times when he has no problem getting hard, but if there is a noise or something out of the ordinary happens and he gets distracted, he can’t get off. Ofcouse I thought it was me that I wasn’t satisfying him or doing something wrong, because I was a virgin when I got with him. Everyone told me it wasn’t me, but thats hard to believe when I am constantly getting rejected. I am so glad I found this posting, I feel so much better, I thought about ignoring him and not trying to get sex untill he initiates but I have learned from this that he wouldn’t notice and would probably get to a point where we never have sex. Thank you, what a relief.
I wonder to myself if I will experience this ever again. Seems like it is God’s will to keep me out of the relationship arena! Will forever be standing in awe of Jerry and Mary Newport and their remarrying in 2001 after their divorce from their initial marriage in June 1999.
I kinda feel better now, my bf has aspergers, and he’s constantly blaming himself and saying “there must be something wrong with me” and I’m doing the same, and all along its because of this.. :S
Just don’t know how to approach him about it now, I know he’s sensitive about having the condition, no idea how he’ll take the fact I’ve looked it up on the net.. :/
Hopefully, he’ll take it as evidence of how much you care for him and want to learn how to make your relationship better. Emphasize that when you start talking about this. I also think it’s very important that you both try to stop blaming him for the difficulties connected to his Aspergers. It’s not his fault that his brain works differently than you expect. Blaming only gets in the way of real communication, which is difficult enough in an Aspergers relationship. My advice is to be as open and honest as possible about what you want and how you feel, but make sure to give him time and encouragement to express himself similarly. If you can manage to also be loving and generous and non-judgmental at the same time, even better.
Best of luck to you both!
By saying “I was doing the same” I meant I was blaming myself, he was blaming himself cause neither of us knew what was causing the issues. but we have talked about it all now, and it seems to have helped things.
This is a wonderful site here really! I am probably an undiagnosed aspie. I am still not sure but my symptoms might show Asperger’s syndrome. I am a teacher at two high schools. I can never learn the names of the kids. I just learn the names of those that prove to be more prominent in some way than others. Nobody really understands how I can teach kids for more years and not learn their names. When we have school leaving examinations in april and may each year some teachers are asigned as guards on corridors to make sure other kids do not disturbe those who are making their examinations. Almost everyone of my colleagues hate having this job since they find it boring. I love it! I can read books, think a lot a write hours and hours and just be by myself and feel great. I have had many relationships and it dawned on me quite soon that I am sexually almost disfunctional. This has always been a stumbling block in all my relationships. I just knew one girl who really “could do it with me” as she was very caring and patient with me. I have a great memory and do not find it hard at all to memorize things. However, things that I memorize are not practical things. I have recently memorized 250 digits of pi with much ease. It was not difficult for me at all. I have a wonderful talent for languages. I study three languages at the same time and find it really very easy. I can focus on particular things very very much indeed and then everything else is lost for me. I speak very fast and I am pretty sociable but I know and feel that I am not as easy with people as others are. I never forget anything that I learn and find interesting. Kids at schools always wonder how I can know so many things of so diverse fields. Please write to me if you have any suggestions. I would appreciate it very much. Thank you.
I find that I have no problem reaching climax, but I find NO ENJOYMENT AT ALL IN THE PROCESS, For me sex is the job I hate the most, I have experienced it with my wife and one other person, and I find No Enjoyment from it in any way shape or form, the only enjoyment I find with it is if I get my wife to climax, but the only reason I do it is because she wants to give birth to 2 kids, (We’ve had 3 Miscarriages, and 1 still birth so far, but found the causes for them), I’m really glad I found this blog as well, because I’m glad to hear that it’s not just me, This makes my life much easier understanding that other people go through this as well
You guys are lucky you actually get to have sex, and not a 56 year old virgin who never even kissed a girl like me.
For years and years I never knew what the problem was with my husband when it came to sex. For alot of these years I blamed myself asking myself what was wrong with me and why I was never able to help my husband attain what he needed in bed. Now, just recently, I realize that my husband has Asperger’s. All symptoms are him to a tee. The sex part was really, really hard especially when I wanted a child, and he just could NEVER make it happen. I still hate that part of my life and blamed mostly him and some of myself for years. Now, I blame Asperger’s. I’m just not sure how much longer I can live without the “connection”. Hate it.
I truly understand the frustration of living without that “connection.” It is like that for me, too. Although I love my aspie husband, it is so emotionally unfulfilling and empty. My heart hurts and the loneliness can be unbearable. I wish I had someone to talk to who could understand, but unless a person has had a relationship with an aspie, they just don’t get it. Finding this site may be the answer to my prayers.
WOW! What a blessing to have found you guys! I have been married to my aspie husband for over two years. He has never been officially diagnosed but when we started dating, I knew there was something really special and different about him. He counts the syllables in the licence plates of every car we pass! (16′s are really lucky! LOL) I did lots of research and read lots of books until I solved the riddle: aspergers. We dated for a few years and even tho we occasionally had sex, I could tell it wasn’t easy for him. The night before we got married, we had sex for the last time. I was very upset. None of the books I had read had said anything about difficulties with sex! I thought it was me. After a few weeks, I brought it up and he told me not to make a big deal about it. After a few months, I brought it up and said a switch had turned off in his head. It’s now been a few years and if it wasn’t for the fact that he LOVES to cuddle, I don’t think I would be able to bear the lack of physical affection. Earlier this year, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had surgery. Now he has NO sensations at all. I am afraid that is the end of my sex life forever. It makes me very sad. But I am so glad to know that it wasn’t just me. I spent years wondering what I had done to “turn him off” so completely. I can’t tell you how much better I feel after reading the postings from all of you.
okay Zack thank you for this article! i stumbled upon it because my dad recommended it, but im kinda of different and i myself am not sure how this can relate to anything about sex? but for about the past 7 years ive wanted to be female and i never knew what was causing it. so i feel that my aspergers may have type of role to play in it but after telling my parents about it all and i feel better about telling them. but they’ve known ive had aspergers for quite awhile so any advice on what to do? i still feel like i should be female but i don’t know what to do.. anyone have any advice to this or am i just left in the dark here?
also to add i feel quite alone a lot of the times and sometimes i feel my Friends do not understand me and its frustrating to me..
Wow. I don’t know if finding out that this sexual oddity is just another symptom of Asperger’s is a blessing or a curse. My husband of 30 years has Aspergers, diagnosed last year when I got to the point I couldn’t take the emotional distance any more. He’s never been interested in sex, although he has forced himself to go ahead and do it once in a while, and we had that problem of him never climaxing. Then out of the blue a few months ago, he suddenly developed what I imagined a normal male sex drive would be, and we had a glorious ten days (nights) of passion. Then it ended suddenly and now we don’t even have the monthly sex we used to have, and when he tries to please me, he wilts almost immediately so I am more frustrated than ever. Because our ten-day love affair proved to me that he is physically capable of it, and it woke up feelings in me that I thought had died after nearly thirty years of a platonic marriage, and now I have to throw ice water on those feelings again. I tried a natural aphrodisiac on him once : )
and it seemed to make everything worse. Now that I know it’s the Asperger’s, I feel better thinking that I am not repulsive to him, but there also seems to be no hope that I will ever be desirable to my husband in that way. He says he loves me, but I need that “connection” with him. Has anyone found any hope yet?
I’m a 27 year old undiagnosed Aspergian, genderqueer, and pansexual. I’ve had trouble with ED with my partners since I became sexually active at 16. I’ve also experienced minor gender dysphoria as long as I can remember, although this remitted with the onset of puberty. The first time I had intercourse was with my girlfriend of a year and she had been expressing that she didn’t sense that I loved her, that I was using her for our physical(hormonal) relationship. Her libido was definitely much higher than mine. This led to a few incidents of trouble with adults, which I was automatically blamed for as the (biological)male.
As far as I can tell, my trouble never arose as a result of sensory issues. It has mostly been due to anxiety, even with someone with whom I had shared my life with for a considerable amount of time.
Shortly after my last major relationship ended, the gender dysphoria returned and I had a homosexual experience. Then I started playing World of Warcraft, which exacerbated my social anxiety and buried my gender dysphoria. I stopped caring about relationships altogether.
Now, I’m back in school, which leaves no room for WoW. My social anxiety is getting better, but due to gender dysphoria, I’m not sure what the future holds regarding relationships or sex. I’ve considered hormone replacement therapy and/or orchidectomy, which would eliminate sex as a factor altogether. It’s really tough living on 3 different spectrums (4 if you include “expression”). Every day is different when you are dealing with variations of gender, sexual orientation, and neurodiversity.
I’m a 30-something year old man, married for 4 years, and although undiagnosed, probably have aspergers.
Many of the posts above ring true, echoing the (lack of) sex life my wife and I have. We have sex occassionally (once a month if lucky) and my main purpose of this is to make her happy – I love her to bits, and want to be able to provide her with the bedroom love she deserves. However, I have a big problem being able to initiate such occasions, and when she tries to initiate I respond negatively without even thinking. I would welcome any suggestions in how to make my lovelly fantastic wife happy in this area?
I’m usually too concerned about having enough time, or housework that needs to be done, or playing sport the next day …. the list goes on. ii) Not being distracted (mentally) during the sex, by anything from the sum of the numbers on the clock LED, to wondering what next Sunday’s lunch is likely to be. iii) Finding the time, preparation and situation to initate something myself, when it isn’t coming naturally, and iv) and this is the hardest one – believing it is ok to be who I am, and also believing it is ok to try and be someone I’m not and instigate sex.
Help. please.
Wow – just read this. I have never been diagnosed with asperger’s but it has been suggested to me that I might be, also by one girl who I had a brief sexual relationship with, she told me I was satisfying but cold and distant during the sex, though much warmer afterwards.
I have exactly the same problem, and the same motivations as the original poster. It takes me forever to climax, and often I don’t. However, what I crave in sex is often not the sex itself, but the intimacy and self disclosure afterwards, which I can’t get at other times or with people I am not sexually involved with. Some girls think it’s great, the duracell, the guy who just keeps on going, but really I find it distressing. I find M’s comment above so interesting – getting distracted by the sum of the digits on the clock, I have exactly the same deal! I think about designs of computer programs or optimisation problems when I’m having sex, I can’t even seem to help it.
Most of my relationships have been very intense, short, and ended baldy because of misunderstandings. They do seem to happen frequently, but I can never instigate sexual contact, or even just holding hands, I can only reciprocate even if I’m longing just to touch the girl. Sometimes on seeing a girl for the first time after the first sexual contact I will act reserved, unsure if it’s understood mutually that more sexual contact should ensue. Once I took a 5 hour trip to see a girl I had been sleeping with in my home city while she was staying, and honestly had to wait for her to kiss me before making a move, because I was afraid it might backfire! Does any of this go through your minds? Any of it sound at all familiar?! Thanks!
R
Thank you. You might’ve saved my lovelife. I love my gf but sex is hyperstimulating and that’s tricky.
what to say.
have been dating a man (we are both older) for a couple of months and basically he is an aspie, but in denial (at least to me).
the sex part is ok for now, we both have fun, but i hope it doesnt wane in time. i know from a previous marriage that once sex is gone i will wander elsewhere, i just can’t feel fullfilled without it.
the hardest part for me is the lack of attention. i seriously miss being told i look nice, or that he likes what i’m wearing, or that i smell nice, or even any interest in what i am doing. he literally seems completely disinterested in me at all. this hurts me to the core and made me feel for the first few months that he was just using me. now i realize that he is aspie it all makes sense, but can i live without it in my relationship? i dont know.
(of course, i realize i have not listed the positives here – without them there would be no relationship and no point! and yes, there are many).
here are questions i want to ask my aspie man, but can’t because he is in denial and will push me away:
is this something you can learn?
how would it feel to you to have a list of things you could say like “you look nice today” or “what did you do today” or “your hair smells nice”
i swear this would make so much difference and make me SO happy, even if i knew it was pre-learned, and even if i wasn’t looking nice that day. i don’t think any man should ever under estimate how important that is to a woman. we put in so much effort physically to attract men, and look our best for them and ourselves, it is a huge part of being female. our men would not be attracted to us if we didnt, so we know that you appreciate it, but its something we need to hear.
can it be learned?
good luck to everyone out there and than god for the internet.
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