When I was in the hospital I was in a lot of emotional pain, I had started cutting again using plasticware. While I was in the hospital I was listening to WAYFM, a local christian radio station and they had a segment about ‘To Write Love On Her Arms’ a campaign to raise awareness of self injury oddly just less then a day after I cut. I’m going to tell my story of cutting from two vantage points, the cutter and the scared bystander. I remember the first time Katelyn cut in my presence, after we had an argument and I said things I didn’t mean to say I decided to take a nap to cool off, and she wanted to take a bath. I remember being awoken from my nap with I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Katelyn was very hurt by the argument – she reminded me of it months later, and the pain needed to be felt literally – so she cut.
I have to admit I was scared shitless. I knew she was hurting, I called a friend who was a firefighter and asked him what I should do. I remember that night holding Katelyn very close to me as I fell asleep – it scared me.
Well as of recent I have started cutting now. Its not a badge of honor I’m proud to talk about, but its something that should be discussed to help other understand it. People who don’t understand think cutting is a way of seeking attention, and I’ll guess some people do it for that – but cutting is also a very destructive way of releasing pain. The pain of likely never knowing my daughter, the pain of knowing I hurt the love of my life, the pain of not getting better, the pain of lonliness and other things in my life are overwhelming. When cutting it feels good, relaxing almost therapeutic – but then you look at yourself and go ‘WHAT THE !@$# HAVE I DONE?!’
If you know someone who has recently cut around you, please take the time to listen to them. Help them release their pain in a more positive manner through hobbies, arts, a run, poetry, or even felting (as I suspect Kate’s mom does).
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Hmmmmm.
That hurt just reading it – it appears to me that one who cuts for the reason you started doing it, Zach, needs to not experience pain, but share it. A burden shared is a burden relieved.
I guess this is a big problem for you because you had someone (Kate) to share the pain with – but for whatever the reason (I’m not going to point fingers) this has been denied to you. And it shouldn’t be. I hope you see what I’m saying. It all boils back again to you getting the help you need – to share your issues. Not just the pain, but the other negatives as well. Unloading – or venting if you like – is an important thing for a human being in my opinion.
You need a sounding board – there where you live IRL. The Net is great (and it help me in that regard) but you need more. And I suspect you know that as well.
When I went through my personal hell, poetry quite litterally saved my life! I wasn’t allowed to show emotion in fear of what would happen to me, so poetry became my only outlet, and I think that is the only reason I did not have a complete breakdown.
Oddly enough I just wrote a poem before you commented and posted it here.
That’s a strange coincidence! I read it, it is full of pain. One of my forms of self therapy was not only showing others through emails and such, but to show my poems to friends. Even though they didn’t always understand what my poems meant, it still helped.
Zack, just take things one day at a time. This is what I’m trying to do. I can say this with certainty. Our health care system is a freaking joke. I have had major problems myself which timelord knows about including dealing with our piss poor health care system. .
I’m glad you were able to leave the hospital, but sorry you’re still struggling.
I have heard, that with people who self injure, basically when you know you’re about to do it, your brain releases chemicals (endorphins?) to combat the pain and it thus has a calming effect. I do not speak from personal experience, as I (fortunately) am not one to self injure, but that’s what I’ve heard.