As some of you my know I’m going through a really rough break up right now. I sometimes wonder whether people with Aspergers can have relationships. My closer friends know the really intimate details of whats going on, and all of them have told me its not my fault she lies, she manipulates, and shes made false accusations. I’ve been thinking about how Aspergers is not going to allow me to have decent friends, decent relationships, decent any form of social interaction. Adam says otherwise.
This movie is the last 7 months flashing in front of my eyes. From the awkward points, to the communication difficulties in our relationship to the mother and father attempting to break us up because I’m autistic. I remember so clearly Kate telling me that her mother didn’t want her to tell me this but her mother was telling her stories about how Autistic People kill people.
The Point
The point of this post is I’m realizing I did all I could, and more then I should of to try and keep this relationship going. This movie has also showed me what its like from the outside prospective to have a relationship with someone with Aspergers, and how it can be so scary. It also seems to show the best parts of the relationships with people like me as well, and how rewarding it can be – if you can find someone that’s willing to fight for what they love, and not listen to others. People with Aspergers can have relationships, we can fall in love, we just need to find the right person – thats all!
Your Turn
I’ve contacted quite a few real friends of mine via facebook, email or other means. I know this movie is just a work of fiction, but does it any way remind you of how I interact socially? Does it help you better understand me? Please leave a comment below.
I also want to ask those who have Aspergers who read this – do you see yourself in this movie at all?
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I have Aspergers, and according to my boyfriend (not autistic, and sitting next to me) I’m not like that. I do know people on the spectrum who are though, and some of them are in relationships.
I’m not sure if I were more like him a few years ago, as I’ve learnt a lot about social communication over the last few years (and my college course this year taught it to me) but now if you can’t see me, it is unlikely you’d pick up on the Aspergers. The rocking and flapping and constant movement gives away there’s something there if you see me in person.
I don’t identify with the trailer, but then I’m female, and I generally face other issues. (Also I disagree with that Einstein etc. stuff, so it got my back up.) But I can see how it would work for men who don’t know what to do socially. In a way Aspergers, in its public stereotype, is an exaggeration of male issues in general, and that seems to be the take in this trailer. (It left me feeling excluded.)
When people are screwed up, they can do a real number on the people they get involved with. I fell hard for a man a long time ago. He played hot and cold, but wouldn’t let me just get to know him, because he had intimacy issues. It was hell. I was hung up on him for two decades. Then a psychic told me to track him down, we emailed each other for a week, and I got closure. If he had been straight with me at the time, I would have figured out in a few months that he was wrong for me instead of being hung up for decades like that.
I wonder what a female version of a film like Adam would be like?
If I could get my ASD son to say ” I see you are upset but I don’t know what to do about it.” well…that would be a great moment in my life for sure. I can only hope and wish that someday he will be able to do as much.
i m a female aspie so i m very different on the surface from adam – but i think he is very endearing and i find geeky men attractive… cld it be the narcissistic streak in me?… but yes i do tend to go off rambling abt my obsessions when i feel uncomfortable though i dont hv a deadpan delivery (i m a performance artist… i hv learnt vocal inflections)…
wld love to catch the movie… even if it is a little stereotypical… and yes, all the movies / dramatisations etc abt asperger’s are abt males… so where are the females then?
I just stumbled on your writings while doing research. The man I love and was with for a year got me pregnant and we broke up. I have since had a miscarriage and as a result of the two loses I have started seeing my therapist again. My therapist at one time was seeing us together as a couple. She truly believes (and after doing research so do I) that my ex has Asperger’s. She also thinks his pattern is get close to me and then push me away. She believes he will be back in my life, but I am scared he won’t. I miss him beyond what I can comprehend. He said reasons for the break-up, which happened moments before I told him that I was pregnant, were because being with me exhausted him and that he needed more alone time. I am very outgoing social person. He used to say things like “People drain me” and he would break-down in certain crowd sizes to the point where you couldn’t touch him. He also couldn’t handle light touches and said they hurt and at times when he became overwhelmed he would violently destroy him apartment. I realize these are traits of AS and I never knew it. I would get upset and mad for him not understanding things I would say or for saying he didn’t want to go out. If I had known I would have done so much differently. I want a second chance to do things right. He hasn’t been diagnosed with AS, but his mother, a nurse, suspects it as well.
How do I reach out to him and how long should I wait? I would love your advice.
Michelle,
First off Kate and I have been having trouble as of late. When meeting with one of our pastors earlier this week he pointed out the same thing, when we get close to people we tend to shove them away.
As Kate is the girl in this relationship dating someone with Aspergers I’m going to email her your comment and ask her to reply. I think her advise would be better than mine.
My guy is similar to you I think. I swear your writing could be his. He also has a tendency to run when things go well, but I always managed to help him stay. What made you stay with Kate? You and her both can email me at my personal email.
I just decided to give up on Kate, I realised how abusive she is http://www.thezach.net/blog/end-of-abuse/
I wish her the best of luck in the future, but I can no longer take her abuse.
I can’t help but think that this is my son in a few years. He is only six but this is exactly what he is like now. It honestly scared me a little because it was like watching him and how could someone know what he is like to a “T”. I only saw the trailer. I have to see this movie now. It is my mission. Thank you for bringing light to AS. They are so often misunderstood and put in the corner when they actually shine brighter than all of us!!
I haven’t got to see this yet. It is something I shall have to do once I begin to recover from being as my adopted brother Tim would say “broke a## poor”!
I do seriously do need to get my own blog. It might be a bit confusing one though. Like in real life, there will be ranting about real life drama (with some details ommited for the sake of several things and people), issues facing those of us in the disability community, issues I strongly care about (which will sometimes turn into a rant), updates on various disability news, and who knows, some of my poetry may show up as well. For some reason being stressed, depressed and/or worried is the greatest of muses for me. Anyway I am rambling, and I apologize. It’s already been a long week. Forgive the babbling please Zack. 
Back on topic. I read the comment about Kate and yourself and I must say I am truly sorry. I know of two others in your situaction, one in specific is nearly identical to your own. A girl with border line personality disorder (I got her permission to mention her) who had her daughter far to young and got married to quick to an very controlling, manipulative, and abusive individual.
That individual still makes her jump through so many hoops just to she can see her daughter. I have watched the toll it has taken on her. All the lies in court have made her have to pretty much go by his rules just to see her kid, and she feels as though if she even tries to fight, he won’t let her see her daughter at all. And the girl adores her mom. It’s a sad thing to watch. The girl was not put up for adoption but is being used as a tool to control her mother.
When I mean identical, I mean of the lies, misrepresentations, and the using of her diagnoses against her so that she has no control over the situaction. But things are finally looking up. The girl’s 13th b-day approaches, and she will be able to choose with whom she wishes to live. And there is no doubt who that is.
I tell you this to say that in the end, there is a light at the end of every tunnel, even if we are in the middle of the tunnel and something is blocking our view of that light. I do applaud you for your strength in assesing your situaction and getting out of an unhealthy relationship. It is sad to me, because I know that it was once a very beautiful relationship. But sometimes life comes inbetween people who love each other, and bad things happen.
I also applaud your strength in seeking help with all the things you have dealt with. I know you don’t know me very well, and I haven’t commented much lately, but I am very proud of you. You are a very courageous person. And I know from personal experience, as I have told you a long time ago, how strong a person has to be to heal from wounds that go so deep.
Some will heal, some will not. But sometimes those wounds can proove to be your greatest strength, I know they have with me. Enough with my blabbing, I am sorry this is so long!! It’s hard to stop me once I get going!!
My little brother has asperger’s, and it breaks my heart watching him go through the struggles everyday. When I watched the movie Adam, it made me uderstand a lot about what people with Asperger’s go through, with relationships, learning, speech, ect. I think the spirit you have is great, and I really hope you find the right person.
I have asperger’s, haven’t seen the film, but can share with you my struggles regarding relationships. The hardest thing for me is getting close to people and maintaining a lasting rapport. I often suffer from anxiety in social situations but do my best to hide it, remain composed and smile, etc. However, because I have to carefully manage my non-verbal communication it makes me feel stunted and unable to be my natural self with people.
I also find it hard to feel relaxed with girls I like, because of all the eye contact involved which is quite stressful for people with asperger’s. It’s the same in interviews, however they are easier since you only have to keep the charade for an hour or so. Yet when you’re trying to court a girl you have to keep the charade for a lot longer, but sooner or later you will have a bad day and they will see the mask break. If only people knew the courage it takes for people with asperger’s to live a normal life.
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