As some of you may know my ex is now pregnant. You may also know shes made some huge alligations about me, all of are being proven false by the large group of people involved in our relationship, including the pastors, friends and even some of her long term friends. After long conversations with God, close friends and contemplation and self-reflection I have made an important decision regarding my child.
I am going to be a parent
I have heard through the grape vine that Kate intends on abandoning this kid for adoption, which is something I can not – and will not do. I’m sorry that kid is part of me, and that would be like trusting part of my own body to someone stranger I don’t even know. That is not something I can or will be able to do. I rememember nights laying next to Kate holding her stomach and just talking to the kid – telling it things would be ok. I don’t know if its a boy or a girl, I don’t know a lot of things – but I do know that child is part of me and I can not and will not trust another person with part of me.
So right now my goal is clearing myself of Kate’s lies and getting my life together so I can be ready to be a parent in seven months!
Do any of you parents with Aspergers Syndrome have any suggestions?
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
If you think you can handle it, then go for it!
I only hope you will have A LOT of support – it takes a village to raise a child.
So, you have to make sure your friends/family are around to help you and that you see a therapist/counselor because it is going to be VERY stressful.
I’ve never had a child and probably never will, but I don’t think I’m wrong about my advice.
There are a lot of good parenting books out there. Burton L. White’s The First Three Years of Life is particularly good. And if you’re working, you’re going to need child care. If you don’t have a relative who can help you you’ll need to find something stable. Kids don’t cope well when people come and go. And the more secure attachment is in infancy, the better the long term outcome is.
Other than that, have fun with the kid.
Zach,
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit confused by your post. Don’t get me wrong, if you decide you want to parent, than my support and prayers will be with you, but to say that you are surprised by Kate’s considering adoption is a bit questionable. Didn’t you both post about considering adoption when you found out you were pregnant?
Don’t I have emails from you talking to my wife and I about adoption?
Please don’t misunderstand this as questioning weather or not you should parent, rather a plea to not consider adoption abandonment….
For couples like my wife and I, who rely on adoption to grow our family, hearing people refer to it as abandonment is heartbreaking.
Whatever you decision will be, please keep in mind there are many couples out there who wait everyday to bring a child into there family.
I understand that Kate has hurt you, and for that I am truly and deeply sorry, but please use caution in how you refer to her and the decisions that you both will be making in the future months.
Yes we did post about considering adoption when we were first pregnant.
Yes you have emails of us talking to your wife considering adoption.
However I do not feel comfortable abandoning my child – yes I am saying abandoning because thats really what it is to someone I don’t even know, much less trust.
No where did I state that her decision was a surprise to me. It was her mother that was pushing adoption since day one.
I’m sorry if that upsets you, but I’m just going to be frank.
I am female, am Aspergers and have two children. The one thing I can say is that, in my own experience, how you feel in the very very early stages of pregnancy and how you feel as the pregnancy progresses and after, once the child is born, is very different. That applies to all parents, not just those on the spectrum.
Stephanie is spot on about the need for lots of support. I live in the UK and I made sure I attended a mother and baby group every Wednesday. Now, this actually meant I sat on my own and said nothign to anyone during the year I went, but I was able to get my baby weighed and for the health visitor who attended to give me advice. After that I attended a toddler group, with first Tom and then, when Jacob was born when Tom was 26 months, with Jacob as well. Again that meant I sat on my own and spoke to no one unless they initiated talking to me (I can be very chatty on a one to one basis but I have a lot of difficulties initiating talking), but at least I got out of the house and my children got to mix with other children. Now Tom is in school and Jacob goes to playgroup four mornings a week and when I collect him I still say nothign to anyone. Are you noticing a pattern here?
But the best thing I did was to join an online parenting forum which I’ve been on now for over five years. I get advice, can post about things worrying me, can talk about things I need help with and there is even someone on the board who lives in my town and though I rarely see her (most communication is either online or via email) I know she’s there if I need real life support. They are my therapist in many ways. I can not go to the GP and ask for counselling, even asking someone for a drink is very hard for me so to be able to go and talk to someone about how I’m feeling or coping in real life is nigh on impossible.
My husband helps me as well and his best mate and best mate’s wife is on hand also.
The other thing I will say is that, from my own experience, I am far far better at looking after my children than I am myself. I know what I can and can’t do and hence look for ways to ensuring I work round the difficulties I have. I’ve actually become far more organised, less worried and more able to sort things out since I stopped working and have been able to plan my day as I need to.
“Now Tom is in school and Jacob goes to playgroup four mornings a week and when I collect him I still say nothign to anyone. Are you noticing a pattern here?”
Nothing to anyone? Not even to Jacob?
“But the best thing I did was to join an online parenting forum which I’ve been on now for over five years. I get advice, can post about things worrying me, can talk about things I need help with and there is even someone on the board who lives in my town and though I rarely see her (most communication is either online or via email) I know she’s there if I need real life support. They are my therapist in many ways.”
That’s great!