So you have Aspergers and have fallen for someone and need some dating tips. Well I thinks its time we have a discussion on some great dating tips.
Be Yourself!
I think the biggest tip I can give is be yourself, don’t fake being someone else. If you fake being someone else the relationship will be based on lies and will end up being very unhealthy.
Disclose Aspergers/Autism
You may not want to disclose your Aspergers right away – you should rather soon. Aspergers and Autism are part of who you are and if your significant other is aware of it, they can understand the issues you have. If they understand the issues you have there will be less communication errors, arguing and fighting. If when they find out they leave you then to be blunt they weren’t for you anyway.
Talk Textures
People on the Autism Spectrum are effected by textures. When you cuddle up with that someone special if there wearing clothing that has a texture that frankly can end physical intimacy and cause some major miscommunications. Discuss the textures you dislike before hand.
Discuss Social Issues
You may not be able to party, or hang out with large groups of friends because of the overwhelming social issues so you need to talk about that. Make a compromise… hang out with a few friends at a time.
Meet The Family
Your going to need to meet their friends and family at some point. Do it just a few of them at a time, not all at once. It will be less overwhelming and less awkward.
What do you think?
Discuss what you think and add some tips of your own!
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
When meeting the family, the partner should introduce you first to the people most likely to like you. Then, as you meet others, make sure one or two of those already sold on you is there. This will increase your comfort level and confidence, which makes this go MUCH more smoothly.
Also, explain what makes different social situations uncomfortable, so the partner knows what he/she can or can’t sign you up for ahead of time. Be OK when she takes a friend as a date when you can’t go, or suck it up and go. She has social requirements to meet as well.
Those are great points. Thanks for sharing!
When looking for someone to date, always go for someone with whom you have much common ground. The whole opposites attract, while true, doesn’t usually work out very well for those of us with AS. Much also means exactly that. Just one thing to agree on and hormones is not going to cut it. I speak from expereince!
I have suspectedon and off that my boyfriend of almost 13 years may have Asbergers, although I can’t say I thoroughly understood it then and am just now becoming educated. Something happened today that forced me to take the time to get on the web and read everything I could. After doing a lot of reading and stumbling onto your site, I am sitting here feeling very sad and feel like I need some advice/help/support figure out how to continue with this NT/Asbie relationship. Where do I start? He has most of the symptoms, but I don’t think he has a clue (although he doesn’t share feelings/personal things with me anyway). I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with both of us for so long. I think I understand now that AS has been between us this whole time… preventing either of us from understanding exactly how to deal with each other, although we do love each other. How do you have a relationship with someone who doesn’t share their feelings and doesn’t want to be emotionally close (and not physically close too often either!
Thanks to anyone who has the time and energy to offer some information about where to start. I feel like I’ve been the one doing all the ‘work’ in trying to understand our relationship and how we relate to each other. Communicating with him about anything remotely relating to emotions continues to be met with a brick wall and/or no response from him. Veeeeery frustrating! I guess for both of us since he didn’t know how to respond to my questioning and in turn, I get hurt and angry at his lack of response or (seeming to be) uncaring. ok the 13-year old dam has burst! Thanks in advance for your response/help! Patricia
When things feel like they are falling apart is a tough time to ask, because a lot of advice was needed earlier. So, here goes:
1) Sayings like “that hurts my feelings” accompanied with a sad face helps him understand better than responding the way you would in a normal couple. In fact, you will always need to directly and immediately tell him how somethings makes you feel. Thus he will learn how his actions affect you (he has no idea otherwise).
2) He feels close to you when you share certain routines, certain activities, etc. He needs and is looking for this too. This is one of those places you compromise to be with an Aspie. You will feel alone in things that do not interest him, he can’t give you the reciprocation you would expect in a normal relationship on things not of interest to him.
3) If you need physical contact, be willing to say “I need you to kiss me” or “I need a hug from you”. You can also work hugs and kisses into parts of your routine. My husband mocks me for requesting affection outside of the routine and situations of need. He has no idea how this embarrasses/hurts/embitters me, so I have learned to accept it.
4) Things won’t just work. Accept it. You will not be like other couples. Accept it. You have to follow some simple rules – stick to routine, establish common interests, be direct, remember that he doesn’t mean to hurt you, and accept things that don’t really matter (if you go with the “but it matters to me” line, you don’t want an Aspie.
5) When he finds something that works, he will do it again and again and again. Allow it to still make you happy, because that is what he is trying to do.
6) You will be doing most of the work. Enjoy the small signs that he is also trying to fix this (even if those efforts seem wasted, your appreciation will encourage him to try again).
Disclaimer: Wife and Mother of Aspies; the same ways I have learned to teach my daughter are EXTREMELY useful for saving my marriage.
Hi, I’m working on a blog post answering some of your questions Patricia. It should be up this afternoon!
Hi, thank you so much for your message. I appreciate it very much. The information you provided is invaluable, although I’m shaking my head as I read it – it is so familiar now that I know why, whereas before I was just plain confused, angry, mad, sad, total bewilderment…… I I see what you’re saying in every line. I mean 12 years of shaking my head and asking myself why?? And I just didn’t know why – until now. So where do I go from here? I know he is somewhere on the spectrum, that’s for sure – but he hasn’t a clue. I see there are books out there on how to approach this, but of course I haven’t read any yet. What are your thoughts? I love him, but I have to admit my love has been wavering for a long time now because of all the confusion, resentment, and sadness I’ve been feeling that I don’t know what to do or if I have the strength to stay in this knowing what I know now. We could talk about this for days and days as I know you know. We do have a nice time together when we are doing an activity we both like, but in between that – the lack of emotion …. I still yearn for it and the thought of never being able to expect it is disheartening. Anyway, your thoughts on a next step? Thank you so very much again for your thoughts and the information. Patricia
I’ll write another post answering all your questions in the next few days.
Patricia,
First, no one can tell you what choices to make. You have to do that on your own. Second, you have been together for 12 years. No matter what I think now, at almost 9 years, I may be where you are at in 3 more. I have no idea. NONE. In fact, I often feel like that, and then he smiles at me.
Finally, love naturally waxes and wanes throughout a life together. It will always be like that. Maybe he has something at work that is making him angry all the time, he would have a hard time expressing this. Sometimes we go through the motions and just hope it picks back up again in a year or two. If you can keep the motions going on your side, he will eventually pick up on it and fall into the routine of doing it, and love will bloom again. If you get your feelings hurt and give him the cold shoulder, he won’t get it, but he will stop going along with those loving motions that get us through. (These are tips from my grandma to me)
<3 Hang in there. If you've done it this long, something there is worth the wait.
Lis
P.S. Something I learned this week (applicable to husband and child): If I get mad at them, they move on and don't care. If I am sad, but still affectionate, they will move heaven and earth to make things right. Who knew?
Thanks again for your thoughts! After reading your comment, I have to ask, once a person knows they have AS, do they respond at all differently because they are ‘somewhat’ aware? And how do I ever broach the subject???
I have been trying to take your advice over the weekend and be more direct with my thoughts and giving him feedback re my feelings right away and give him more specific direction, which, for how incredibly smart he is, he needs a not of – along with a lot of repetition. I was always saying to myself: How can someone be such a brainiac and have no common sense?
(I had no other way to label his behavior…) He also doesn’t really listen and will always accuse me of not telling him things; and just the other day, he accused me of telling him something twice and giving him two different answers – which wasn’t true at all!!! I find that he can never take responsibility for anything, for ever being ‘wrong’ or not listening, not remembering…. he always blames me and I’m always trying to defend myself. How do I convince him that I really did tell him something, gave him the right info, and that he wasn’t listening???? He just give me a hard time and I get tired of trying to say everything right, be diplomatic, and still be loving and caring and considerate of him because I now know what’s going on (but I was that way even before) when he is “being inconsiderate” but I know, it’s not his intention….. but that’s how I translate it of course.
…and you probably will still be in the relationship for 3 more years and not much may change (not to be pessimistic but look at both of us!!!) But yes, they are sweet and when they smile at us, we I’m sure must both say, awwhh look how cute and sweet he is! And life goes on….. but we are still frustrated on most levels because even tho we get it, even tho we understand, even tho we love them, we are making a huge sacrifice for ourselves because we are not getting our basic needs as human beings met and I dont’ know about you, but I still see more hurt, anger, frustration, resentment, and questioning of my own sanity for staying in such a frustrating relationship with no emotion and very little emotional and physical intimacy. Can you talk to me about that part of it? He has very little interest…. would always pick items on the “to do” list rather than be close. I know I know that’s normal for him, but not for me!!! Also, I am 11 years older than him so I’ve always been thinking that I’m not attractive, young enough, yada yada yada, and then I just read that they tend to have relationships with women younger or older then them…. omg it’s just draining!
Have a great day! And if you want to write me directly at psreinhart@yahoo.com that’s fine with me. What is your name Local Beer?
Really good talking to you!
Patricia
ok – thanks Zach. (Nice name, by the way, my son is also Zach
I will look for your post. Thanks in advance!
Patricia
i actually think its very bad advice to tell people to disclose it earlier than later. it should be disclosed, but only when the person on the spectrum has a more quiet moment in which to say something personal about oneself and have time to explain what AS is (in case the partner doesn’t already know).
what’s all this about “them not being right for you (the “aspie”)”?; how is someone defined as being “the right person”. asperger’s syndrome is not that well known about to most people: if the condition’s name alone is mentioned without giving any explanation as to what the condition actually is, some people might run a mile because to them, its just any kind of “illness”. and to be honest, who could blame them? their not all doctors so how can they be expected to know and immediately sympathize.
once explained clearly, most people i know were willing to understand and be more lenient about the weird ways i had previously behaved with them. however i need to mention here, that the people in question were old friends.
disclosure is not all black and white. and really isn’t healthy to create this illusion of it being “us against them” because at the end of the day, however unfair administrative systems are in understanding our condition, we need to live with the rest of society, not shut it out completely!
Relationships are based off from trust in each other. Also if someone is going to be so shallow that they would leave you because of having Aspergers then frankly I doubt they would be a lifelong partner for you anyway.
Aspies need to be told what is needed by the spouse.
Maybe watch a movie: Dear John, Mozart and the Whale, Temple Grandin
Maybe you can attend a GRASP meeting.
I think if you want feelings see if he is willing to put it on paper. Maybe write a letter back and forth. That is a great way to communicate.
Do not tell the person that you have aspergers until you both are exclusive.
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