Aspergers and Controlling Behaviors

Lately some people pointed out that I have some controlling behaviors, and to be honest I don’t see them as controlling.  With Aspergers Syndrome its hard for to cope with rapid changes in routine and even know what others peoples wishes are.  People seem to think that when I need to know what is going on in the future its because I want to control the situation.  Its not, its me needing to know about changes in my routine so that I can cope with it.  I like my routine.  You may not believe it, but I have a solid routine – and my iPhone was awesome at helping me keep my routine and know about changes in it.  The calendar application is awesome!

When I was in school we used to have surprise parties on occasion, or surprise field trips.  I would always know about these things at least one day in advance.  They know rapid changes in my routine can throw me for a loop, and even cause a melt down.  People need to realize that someone with Aspergers needs to know about changes in routine well in advance so they can adjust to it, its not to control whats going on – its to control the possibility of a melt down.  I also have a need to know clearly what the expectations are of me, with clear boundaries.  I don’t get boundaries that well most of the time – and they need to be explained to me just like expectations or bad things happen.

Another thing is in crowds I tend to stick really close to someone I trust, or sit there and play with some form of technology to cope (another great use for the iPhone).  Some people, and even Kate saw it a bit controlling that I would follow her at church or social functions we attended.  What many people did not understand is that Kate was almost a security blanket for me and helped me cope with the overwhelming social function around me, and made it more comfortable for me to socialize with others.

I almost did not attend my own graduation, because it would of been so overwhelming.  Where I went to school knew that I would have a hard time coping so they let me play with technology – I got to set up the sound system as well as operate it most of the party and graduation (except when I had to walk down the aisle.)  I’m happy I did not miss my graduation as my principal cried when she handed me my diploma.  My principal and I were really close, and we had been through a lot in the two years I went to that school.

Another thing while not controlling it can make a relationship look bad is that I have a hard time telling what others peoples needs are.  The best example, while a bit embarrassing (and a bit adult – sorry) is after Kate and I would have sex I would often get up and check my email and fidget around on the computer.  This was a really big mistake (guys make sure you don’t make this one yourself – its a big no-no).  I did not know that Kate wanted to be held after sex, until she communicated it to me in an argument.  Now if other people would of been there and it would of been another topic people would of been thinking our relationship was toxic, but I know and Kate is starting to understand I can’t read her emotions and needs like a normal guy.  And by the way, Kate is right.  Cuddling and falling asleep after sex is more awesome than checking your email.

As everyone with Aspergers is unique I would like to see some others give some suggestions on how Aspergers can make someone appear to be controlling.  So its your turn to share.