You hear it often from people with Aspergers, psychiatrists, family members and exes – people with Aspergers are incapable of love. I think you all know what my point of view is on this and I’m working on making a a great huge post for valentines day and I would love to see what you have to say on this. Do you think people with Aspergers can fall in love? Do you think they are capable of loving neurotypical (non autistic) people or just autistic people? What makes you think this?
I think that this is a hot topic and I believe I should have a well rounded opinion from many people.
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{ 132 comments… read them below or add one }
My Neurotypical husband and I have been happily married for 35 yrs.. My NT daughter (29) is very close to both of us, and tells me often how much she felt loved by both of us all her life.
How are things lately? I’m not the horrid sort that you thought. Had my second relationship for a year and a half with an AS woman out of Indiana. The distance was too much for us, she’s sought someone closer to her home.
My daughter and I are writing a book on my life with notes included by her as my daughter. I think this will answer a lot of questions. NT doctors know very little about AS people. They only know stereotyped outwards signs.. they do not know us.
You are right. I am a NT artist and out of 5 AS artists that I’ve met and taught (I’m an art teacher)-1 “loves” me back in a manner expressed with smiles, hugs and wanting to be around me. But another person with AS, who rarely smiles and reluctantly and stiffly accepts my hugs also spends time me conversing, working, sharing preferences, dislikes and dreams. Together, we can sit on a stone wall and catch every visual nuance of clouds over a hill as we draw the landscape side-by-side. this person is ever so loyal to be there by me when I most need. Each of these individuals are very positive when they see me and prefer to see me over a lot of people. I enjoy being with them too. So what is love? Don’t we all experience varying degrees of love differently?
People with Aspergers definitely can love – it is often shown in a different manner then a NT would show though.
I agree with you Jeff. They express love in a different way because they are special people. People just need to look inside their hearts to understand.
The whole idea of an Aspie being incapable of love derives from the equally ridiculous notion that empathy is also impossible. Empathy can be learned and I for one can attest to that, having been married for 18 years. Sympathy is also a factor that can be learned, and there are members of the NT community who use that capacity to understand us all on the Spectrum. I just wish there were more of them willing to shut down the morons who try to make us look bad and make them realise that they are the ones in the minority and not us and our supporters.
I know one person who takes this one step further and believes that we are incapable of having sex, which is even more ridiculous.
There’s a part of the DSM-IV codes that refers to us not wanting to share (IIRC – it’s something like that) and I personally think that’s something of a misnomer that really only applies to the lower end of the Spectrum. I for one want to share, and no doubt there will be others in a similar boat. Heck, having a personal website is a way to share (even if it might be slightly off the topic on that point) and how many Aspies have websites? Way more than just me and Zach, that’s for sure!
Sharing is a crucial part of love – and that’s a great feeling, being able to share everything with someone. Both ways. That’s true love in my book and us Aspies can do it!
Thanks for writing and sharing that. I believe you as a father to an AS son i know you are right.
Well I thought I should add a few points here.
Love normally lead and occur because of a relationship and as we know, relationships are an issues in AS. The is one of of many elements that are looked at in a diagnostic assessments, for example in the ADOS. And it is one topic that often shows much symptoms. The common issues seen are; lack of understanding of mutual sharing, often love is one way only, either expressed as a need to be loved and not alone, and not as a need to reciprocate, or vice versa, as an excessive love towards someone without the other reciprocating. There is on a whole limited expression of what love means and can lead to. Same is true of marriage that is often seen as a convenient almost practical arrangement, often seen as being valuable to the person with AS but not necessarily as a mutually valuable alliance, missing out of sharing of common interests, sharing responsibilities, building projects with someone else, etc. Often there is only a few aspects that are approached and many times, it would not be seen as reasons to marry or to love from a NT point of view.
You know also that many people with AS have expressed that to them love was not needed and wanted, was more troublesome than worth it (e.g. Temple Grandin).
The book Love, Sec & Long-Term Relationships also includes many examples to touch on this topics. Yes, Love and sexuality can function, but it is not necessarily easy and straightforward. People can be overwhelmed as you have expressed before Zack with the sensory issues, arousal, smell, touch, etc, but also with the emotions. Experiencing strong emotions can be resented as loosing control, and can cause havoc.
As for sexuality per se,whilst some might think all that is needed is a sexual organ to do it, there is in NT couple a very intricate and elaborate relationship-play that normally goes into sexuality and this involves often one of the most intuitive and at the same time elaborate two way relationship on can have. It also implies self-awareness and being comfortable with self and others.
A final point, an assessment for example ADI-R that aims at evaluating accurately the potential issues experienced with someone does not rely on self-reporting only- there is interview of family members, parents etc. The reason is that someone with AS might not be reporting the issues accurately, for a range of reason. So, if someone with AS says, they are experiencing love, sexuality etc fine- it does not mean this is the case, they think they do, but where is the reality? To know the reality implies a great awareness of self, AND of what NT relationships are about too. How does someone know how what they experience compare to what other NT people or AS people experience? This is certainly not an easy thing for someone with AS if the person has a true diagnosis. Perhaps it does not matter to them though, but they should at the very least question if what their partner truly experience is satisfactory and fulfilling. Again, I am not sure this is such a natural concern to the AS mind.
I find the notion redicoulous. I can love with all my aspie heart. My loyalty, and love without any perconcieved conditions attached is so total it generally shocks all those around me. Having troubles with empathy does not take away my ability to love. There is nothing on this earth I would not do for my family. I would certainly die for anyone I care for, without even a question. I think the issue is since the WAY we show that love is so different from an NT, they don’t notice it and therefore don’t think it is there.
My caring shows up in practical ways. Giving money, cleaning someone’s house, buying gifts or making them, etc. I am a romantic even, but I hate things that are horribly over the top. I think, for example, that it is stupid for a man to have to go buy DIAMONDS for Valentine’s Day, spending hundreds of dollars for a piece of jewelery that he may be paying on for the next decade! Flowers aren’t nesscery either. Just spending the day with my better half, being with him and talking with him and embracing is enough. Which brings up my next point!
Just because some of us don’t like being touched does not mean that applies to us all!!!! I am personally an extremely huggy person, just ask my mom, lol!! And Lack of, or issues with empathy does not take away my ability to have compassian or to have feelings. I use to tell mom just because you can’t read my emotions in my face or in my body language or vocal tone does not mean that they are not there!
Theo, I don’t know if this is asking too much, but reading over your comments on this page I thought I might as well give it a shot: I’m having some struggles surrounding the “can aspies love” topic with my partner. You sound exactly like him, and it makes me think talking to you about this a bit might be useful.
If you feel at all comfortable with this, I would be extremely grateful if you shot me an email– carogriffin at gmail dot com. Thanks so much! And even if you don’t email me, thanks for what you’ve posted here. It’s already incredibly helpful!
Sorry this has taken so long. I shall shoot you an email when I get the chance, Caro. I’m glad that I have helped.
Just wanted to add- obvious gender preferences in the way love is being expressed and received- AND, very clear gender differences as far as the AS presentation is concerned.
I believe I can love. After 4 years, I’ve learned the true feeling of love. Back then, I thought that the reason for me to have a relationship with someone is just for hugs, buxom and holes AND Status. Mainly because some ol’ friend of mine, who has PDD-NOS probably, said that he thinks that relationships is for status and he complaint that a lot of NTs have girlfriends as if it is easy. The same applied to physical touch. He touched two female friends of mine, inappropriately, on my 15th Birthday party. He said ‘well, I saw some guys and girls hugging and touching each other with no problem’. I think he still doesn’t understand it. He even asked, gladly not at my party, to a woman what the colour is of her vaginal fluids. I guess he has watched more hentai than I’ve ever did.
Ok, back to the main topic. However, this sweet kind compassionate young woman, who’s 2 years older than me, has made me realize what love is AND that great love exists. I lost that faith when I first, and still my last, girlfriend cheated on me and stuff. Unfortunately, the feeling between me and my best girlfriend was not mutual. It hurt me a lot, even after 7 months, I still had to fight against the pain. Well, the pain came back after those 7 months because I sort of opened the wound. I’m still good friends with her, but there’s still some awkwardness… at least in my perspective.
So, I’ve changed from a teenager that wants to have his sexual desires to be fullfilled (I’m still a virgin, luckily) to a teenager that wants to become a compassionate and Wide-Eyed Idealist that wants to have a deep romantic bond with someone. Either with or without sex – kissing and hugging would be nice, though. In a certain way, I’ve become very humble. I’m still an ass, don’t worry about that, but at least an ass that wants to become the realistic version of a Galahad-type, Anime-style character from some JRPG.
However this made me also reluctant (but that was always so) to hug any male or female friend I have. Like Theo, I can be quite a huggy person. Not frequently, but I would like to show my affection to people in that way (I only hug my mother, my grandma, any member of the family, my closest friends OUTSIDE High school and some adults that I’ve known for quite a time). However, I know the rules of consensual hugging. I have this big irrational fear that if I hug a person without asking, I’m on my way on becoming a strange guy or a rapist. Would it be a problem if I might talk to my closest friends (from high school) about these issues?
That’s what I might fear to become when I’m in a relationship. That I might become too much focused on sex, sex, smex.
But I believe I can love someone else romantically. I would honour and respect her deeply in my way. I would love to make her happy. I will be loyal to her; I would stay at her side.
The problem is that I’ve got a problem with noticing the difference between when a girl is just having a deep friendship with you and when a girl loves you, romantically.
Why? Because in a certain way, the only difference is that one of them says ‘I love you’ to each other. I mean, I REALLY felt a close bond with my best girlfriend, it felt very romantic, touching, admirable and inspiring to me, but the only minus was that she doesn’t love me the same. So, she’s not my soul mate.
I will believe that I will find a soul mate / great love in my life. I know that I’m a kind and compassionate teenager, often weird, often hyperactive, often lazy, often nerdy, often prudish, often perverted SO there must be someone that might be interested in me.
I still do wonder if a lot of girls exist in reality that are similar to my best girlfriend: compassionate, good-looking, helpful, kind, loving, ambitious, tolerant, happy, ect. She didn’t even cared if I was autistic or not (yeah, my teacher of last school-year said it to her because I would go with her and some others of her class and some of mine to England – and I only founded this out ALMOST A YEAR AFTER at my freakin’ B-day party).
In a certain way, she’s similar to Beth of the film ADAM. Fortunately, I’m more social functional than Adam. I mean, I would have done quite some things differently, you know.
Ok… where was?
So I have a hard time to notice the difference between close bond minus love and close bond plus love. I don’t have a hard time to notice the difference between someone who dislikes me and someone who likes me. Is this something, that a lot of NTs might struggle with, too?
Bottom line, yes we’re capable of being in love and showing love to others, romantically and platonically. However, I intend to go on the road of ‘probably unrealistic’ love. I don’t want to bang every hot chick that I might come across. Yes, I would like it, but I don’t want to satisfy my life with shallow things like that. I want to share such special moments only with someone to which I can share a special and romantic bond with. ‘I don’t want the cone (sex), I either want the ice cream + cone (love and sex) or just the ball of ice cream (love)’. Same applies to freakin’ nudity. I really am the most unrealistic heterosexual man that has ever lived on this planet XD
After Sword Fighting – when everyone went to the… gym locker room (?), I saw a girl, probably in her 20s, undressing herself and you could just see her breasts NAKED. Everybody could see it. Men and Women shared the same room to change their clothes. I knew this. I had no problem of seeing people in underwear. But I couldn’t understand that no men or women reacted that she went temporarily topless. Strangely, after a few seconds, she had a different bra on… I don’t understand that…
I see nudity as something sexual. Why? Why, if I know that there are nudists? Because if I would treat nudity as non-sexual, I wouldn’t be aroused at it anymore. The point is that I only want to share my nudity to people who I trust the most. In some way it would give my (hypothetically) partner the feeling that she’s special and that I would only show these private areas to exclusives. I would understand if my wife would feel uncomfortable when she will know that I’ve been on the PlayGirl (hypothetically). I would feel uncomfortable if my partner would go nude on the PlayBoy or on some other pornographic magazine or sextape. I’ve no problem to see nudity on the internet. I’ve not problem with watching couples getting it on. The moment when it will be an issue to me, is when I will personally know them. However, they made a choice, so it wouldn’t be mine fault if I saw them getting it on… online. Honestly, I wouldn’t even want to see my best girlfriend, probably the first kind and pretty girl that I’ve ever felt in love with, nude BECAUSE ‘I don’t want the cone (nudity), I either want the ice cream + cone (love and sex) or just the ball of ice cream (love)’.
My sexual side had no problems to see that girl’s breasts, but I can’t degrade myself to some horny teenager that likes to bang every hot chick with nice breasts, can I?!
I start to love this website
“So I have a hard time to notice the difference between close bond minus love and close bond plus love. I don’t have a hard time to notice the difference between someone who dislikes me and someone who likes me. Is this something, that a lot of NTs might struggle with, too?”
Yes! (I am NT) That can be really difficult for NTs as well. Feeling this difference has to do with intiution or even mind reading. And mind reading is of course not possible for anyone.
Everything you write about nudity also makes a lot sense for me as NT.
The combination male + teenager makes it normal to focus on sex and things like that. It is normal for your age. You should maybe not talk to girls about it too much, because then they would think you are a pervo or something, but the feelings and thoughts are normal. All teenage boys are focused on it.
I like your icecream picture, it is a good explanation.
Where is that wonderful comment from Jermaine K in that section gone?
It was superb, try to put it back Zack, in case it was lost.
Here is my reply to it.
What an admirable and honest account!
Very interesting. All what you are saying makes a lot of sense.
I would say two main points- The first is regarding the nudity not necessarily implying sexuality.
It would probably be very instructive for you to go for a short while on a nudist beach or camp, with someone accompanying you, just in case!
I have spent many summers in my youth in such places, and I have regularly gone there too as an adult. There are several reasons as to why people like being able to be nude in a natural environment (suited for this, I don’t mean in Freezing Scotland). None has to do with sexuality or seeing people naked. It has to do with the desire to experience the environment and self in a more intuitive and less constrained, less conventional way. So, in a way, it’s a dialogue with self and the environment, the others come only with the sharing of that experience, nothing else. What is interesting is that in the same way that one normally respects each people body space, your eyes don’t go anywhere that is private. In other words, you see people naked but you actually do not focus your attention, or even really see any particular body features, you interact with them as if they were covered with an invisible sheet of respect and prudery. There is no written rule though, it is all down to common sense on what is right and what would be wrong. This might be a difficult experience for someone with AS, however, you are very aware and my guess is that in such a forced and in a way, model environment, you would come to feel that prudery. And then you would come to know how to transfer that experience to the sort of settings you have described in the changing room.
The second point is about NT: NT teenagers would have experienced the same confusion of attraction, and uncertainty, guilt as you did in the example you described. This is a time of high levels of flying hormones, of great needs, what you have said is totally expected of anyone. You are worried, because you know from experience and probably from knowing a lot about autism, that you could act on this. But the fact that you are worried and want to understand and prevent something wrong to happen is very good. Yes you felt this, it was normal and you hold yourself back and this was a mature and very self-regulated attitude.
NT people fall in love as you have and NT people get very confused and distraught about it. Think about all the music, operas, films, theatre plays and crimes that have been done only for the love of someone. People can loose their mind, and people can get confused as whether or not the feelings are reciprocal, especially if the relationship is very strong on both sides, very fulfilling and important for both people. Some people can hold back and withdraw, and this hurts, they may do this because they cannot commit rather than because they do not love. There is not much that can be done about it other than moving on. There will be other people around and yes, all these reasons you have listed “ I know that I’m a kind and compassionate teenager, often weird, often hyperactive, often lazy, often nerdy, often prudish, often perverted SO there must be someone that might be interested in me. “ can be attractive.
I am a woman, no longer a teenager I must clarify, and whilst I of course cannot speak for every other women, especially as my interests tend to be non-typical, I can say though that I think a woman is more interested in the mind of a person, above the physical side, though the physical side counts too. I think it is true of teenagers too, but perhaps there are more lightheaded teenagers than the one I believe I was. A mind that thinks, analyse and respond with some emotions to issues that match the ones the woman has is what is most attractive. Women tend to brave things a lot, not all women, but many do, it has to do with their genetic and their mothering instinct. Remember a woman will survive in a desert longer without food and rink than a man would. Because it is for the children more important that she survives. This is entrenched is who we are. So, we dare a lot, and that often means, that daring mind can be attractive, within limit of course. A tortured, restless and anxious and atypical mind are all part of that same bag of attraction, and is not necessarily a problem for longer term exchange, as long as it does not destabilize life too much and everyone remains sufficiently adaptable.
I defiantly know they are wrong because I am an Aspie and I love my parents, my brother, my few friends that I have, and even my boyfriend. I know that most people think that males only get this but I am a teenager and I have this and proud to have it and I can love!
I definitely feel love for others, and when it comes to relationships I would say I’ve fallen in love too easily many times. I think it’s just that sometimes the behavior of someone with ASD doesn’t fall within what most NTs would consider “love”… “How can you say/do that if you love me?” they might ask, and it’s just a result of our different behaviors. Add to that the difficulty in expression emotions, and it’s easy to see why someone with ASD might be labeled as incapable of love, but love is something that lies within, and for many people with ASD the problem is finding a way to communicate what is inside our heads with the rest of the world.
Hi Rich….In need of some help here. I have fallen heplessly in love with a very high functioning Aspie. I am an NT. I need to understand how you show your love since there is not alot of emotion shown. I know this man loves me. He tells me so. But since there is not a huge emotional connection in what ways will he show it?
Secondly he has a habit of disappearing for a few days to recalibrate so he can come back out and function in the world. He won’t respond to text messages or phone calls during this time. I have asked him to help me by just letting me know that he is okay and that his pulling away from me has nothing to do with me or anything I have done. He says he often doesn’t even know when he is doing this.
I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone but I am really struggling. I am trying to understand him and meet his needs but mine aren’t being met. I am trying to find ways to communicate better exactly what I need from him but I am not sure he is capable of meeting me half way. At the same time my heart is breaking a little more with each passing day. The irony here is he picked a higly emotional woman to fall in love with and I think that is part of our attraction. He gets me on some many levels. But my one issue is being abandoned by someone I love and he does this to me every few months or so. I am tracking it to see if I can find a pattern to it so I can antisipate when it is going to happen but so far I can find no pattern to it.
I want to stay in this relationship but I am really struggling and need some input from other men with aspergers to help me understand. Please help me understand how you show love if ther are no emotions being shown?
Hi Maggie- I am not a man with AS, but an NT woman.
Suggestions: if you love this person that much, be patient, sensitive and take the time to know him. Use your love to drive this interest. But don’t become dependent on his responses, especially if you are expected convention. Remember than independent and strong minds are attractive features, so all the better. Other AS people can help, but be prepared to sample a large population to get a good idea of what your man might be like as well as being sensitive, open minded and willing to get to know who he is and how he expresses his emotions.
There are also a lot of good books out there – see links on this web site I believe. Sometimes it helps to compare your experience to that of others, but your intuition, sensitivity, and patience are your strongest allies.
Quote from Molière: Unbroken happiness is a bore; it should have ups and down.
Hi Maggie. I am struck by your comment, that your heart is breaking a little more every day. I am not Aspie but was involved with an Aspie man who decimated mine, unintentionally I think.
He exhibited the same behaviour pattern: would suddenly go cold, check out, not reply to emails that asked specific questions or made overtures. Sometimes he couldn’t bare to be touched, other times he liked cuddles. Sometimes he’d kiss me in public, other times it felt as if my very presence irritated him. My own emotions, as a result, became quite volatile. Sometimes I’d cry at night from feeling rejected, while other times I’d remind myself he really did care and his behaviour was simply the Aspie way. He never told me he loved me. In the end, he said he didn’t think he had the right kind of feelings for me and has now severed all contact with me. He asked me to go away from his life.
This is what I would say. The fact that your man says he loves you is quite significant because Aspies don’t lie, in my opinion. Now, you need to be an emotionally dependent and secure person to endure the rollercoaster ride that is life with an Aspie. He may not come to family functions with you, he may not like to socialise with your friends, he may not always want you around, or want sex with you, he may ignore you and he may also forget you exist. But he will, in his own Aspie way, love you deeply. If you can live with his special brand of showing affection and disappear when he needs you to, then try your hardest. But if you don’t think you can live your life with someone who may, on occasion, unintentionally treat you as if your very presence is irrelevant, then move on. Only you know your own limits. At the moment, I feel exhausted, spent, dispirited and deeply sad. I miss him dearly, and I know he doesn’t even spare me a thought. That has been the worst part. Knowing that, in the end, I never mattered.
Good luck. Lastly, remember this: people have quirky and unconventional relationships all the time. The trick is finding someone whose quirks and dysfunctions you can live with, despite what your friends, family or co-workers may think.
Orchid33 – I feel for you, I have the same experience, it is nice to read how another feels on the NT side of a relationship. I have given up 12 years of my life entirely dedicated to my AS husband, he is now moving on to continue his life, leaving 4 hurt children behind and a broken hearted loving wife.
To all……..each AS is an individual, just like each NT is an individual. You have to learn who YOUR partner is, educate yourself on the hardships YOUR AS partner faces in life THEN determine whether your partner is displaying to you their symptoms of AS or plain simple bad behavior.
““How can you say/do that if you love me?” they might ask, and it’s just a result of our different behaviors.”
…and this particular behavior is a result of either not knowing or not caring that the person doesn’t *want* to have that said/done to him or her.
Keep saying/doing that to him or her when he/she doesn’t enjoy having that said/done to him/her, and he/she will no longer enjoy being with you – no matter *why* you say/do that to him/her, *it’s still saying/doing that to him/her* and still making him/her endure having that said/done to him/her.
married 27 years to an AS person. our two younger sons are AS. Our oldest and I are both ADHD. The biggest challenge we had for years (26) was his low sexual interest which i did kow abut but told myself if shouldnt be important. We finally found out he had extremely low testosterone, He developed a teen like sex drive which was wonderful but like always no foreplay or romance. hes never told me im beautiful or says i love you. only “love lots” just like he tells our cats and dog. He does like to hug but has a really annoying habit of tugging at a section of my hair repetitively which I have told him for 27 years bothers me. he wont touch me at all then. Then back to the hair. Says its a sign of affection, which i’m sure it is but i hate it. On the other side of the coin, he refuses to let me touch him sexually even now that we have sex mat a much more acceptable rate, I have to lie with my arms down at my sides. He will touch and caress me but never looks me in the face, turns mu face away and refuses to kiss me. And he will absolutely not touch me below the belt with his hands. granted i’m always satisfied but I’m growing resentful that there is no emotional aspect although much better than being constantly sexually frustrated. Its more that he WONT do it even occasionally. Or at least explain in a loving way why he wont. Just gets angry with me for “starting on that again”. He can be very loving and romantic at non sexual times but it makes me frustrated. At any time I’m feeling verymuch in the mood I know its a guarantee that he wont be. The days I push it out of my mind he wants to “go upstairs”. I take it because I’m high drive, but after 27 years of this I’m at my wits end. And its not just sex, its about how i do things how I say things. and constantly being criticized, yet I ask nicely for one or two of my own needs and hes angry as a hornet at me. Forget holidays or special occasions. A romantic night away from the family means tv and sleep for him, I’m tired of the onesidedness. Id go out on my own but he doesn’t seem to like that either, sees no need for me to do that. hard to have friends anyway when he hates people coming to the house. My oldest son who is not AS is devastated by never been allowed to have friends over. He hates coming home for breaks. My two AS kids are happy to sit home and play video games or hang out with us. yet we have some fun shared interests and hes loyal and responsible …. all the positive AS traits. But to me marriage is about emotional intimacy which i’m currently mourning that i will never have as long as I’m married to him. Hes more like my best buddy than a husband. But I fear losing the friendship should I divorce him to try and fine an NT who can love me the way i need to be loved. Someone to look me in the eyes and tell me i’m beautiful and how much they love me. Ive never had that having been with my husband since I was 19. I could have 30-40 more years on this earth. I stagnate because there is so much I don’t want to give up yet so much I long to have.
Aspies are capable of loving, they just express it differently and in a very special way. You can find it in your heart
So, can you please give examples of how love is expressed if you are an Aspie? Because, from where I sit, by blowing hot and cold, not returning calls or texts, not wanting to be touched, not wanting your partner’s company, never wishing to hear their voice on the phone, never saying comforting words, showing affection or expressing an emotion, it is very difficult to know you matter to your Aspie man, let alone exist.
“So, can you please give examples of how love is expressed if you are an Aspie? Because, from where I sit, by blowing hot and cold, not returning calls or texts, not wanting to be touched, not wanting your partner’s company, never wishing to hear their voice on the phone, never saying comforting words, showing affection or expressing an emotion, it is very difficult to know you matter to your Aspie man, let alone exist.”
No matter *why* your partner treats you this way, you have to ask yourself: how do *you* feel about being treated this way? Would you rather continue to be treated this way, or rather be single? You’re only human too, and you deserve the right to have feelings even if someone else doesn’t approve of your reasons for having the feelings you do!
I have Asperger’s and I’m madly in love with a guy who also has Asperger’s. “People with Asperger’s can’t love” is sensationalistic bullshit.
I agree with that statement that bullshit I can love, I can care about people and I do whether I dislike a person or not I just won’t admit it. Aspies can love.
Seconded. Vehemently.
Just because you are involved with someone with Aspergers and they treat you that way does not mean that ALL Aspies are that way!! I show my love to my better half in many ways. Massages, small gifts, much cuddling, helping out around his place when needed, writing him poems. Don’t stero-type us. I realize you may have had a bad situation, and I am sorry about that. But many of us are very loving, decent people. My aspie man does wonderful things for me. He has introduced me into his group of friends, who took me in immediately. He takes me out, to either our favorite down town bar where we go to hear our favorite local band, or to one of our favorite restraunts. He rather enjoys cuddling, and always says loving things, just not all the time. And really, I don’t need him to constantly tell me he loves me. I see it in his actions. He shows me respect, and absolute loyalty. His emotions are shown to me in the little things he does everyday. Not all aspie men are like that, ok?
Right on, Theo! People on *any* part of the spectrum, from autism to Asperger’s to NT to William’s Syndrome, can pay loving attention to compatible partners who appreciate their styles of attention!
you seem like good man thor, way to treat your significant other way to go man. I also do small acts of kindness to my significant other when I have one though I doubt I can find love these days last girl I dated gave me a HPV virus so Idk if I should love anyone anymore.
AS people like NTs are individuals.. you have the good , the bad and the ugly .
Theo, I was suggesting in any way that the characteristics I describe apply to ALL Aspies, but I do appreciate it reads that way. I read a book called Aspergers in Love, as well as other websites dedicated to the topic, that explains there are certain characteristics that are typical of Aspies, although they vary as greatly as the spectrum. Some of them include difficulty with intercourse, sensory overload, needing solace, not wanting to be touched, an inability to empathise with someone else’s feeling – but you know all this, don’t you? While my ex exhibited all the characteristics I described in my email, I know that other Aspies don’t. I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise. I have, at long last, come to accept that his behaviour had less to do with Aspergers and more to do with the fact that I meant nothing to him. Alexa’s comment the other has had the most impact on me. This site has been immensely helpful, and I thank you.
Sorry about that. Kind of a sensetive topic for me. For a good portion of my life, people have percieved me as cold, unfeeling, and without any emotions at all. I just so happen to be extremely sensitive, and have the tendency to do one of two things when upset. Internalize everything and torture myself with it, or lash out in anger, which is strangely how my sadness manifests itself to the outside world. Which doesn’t help with the whole perception thing. I apologize for coming off a bit strong. I don’t think people realize how sensitive aspies are. We get hurt pretty easily, it just doesn’t always show on the outside in a way other people can understand.
You say that you lash out in anger. I have a problem with that . I lost a good friend because I was tired of him yelling at me. I just stopped to say hello and he began yelling at the top of his lungs. How exactly do you not take that personally?
I may have aspergers but of course I love. Firstly I am a great friend…comfortable, honest, loyal, non judgemental, accepting, forgiving and giving and protective in my own way. I may not feel the need to talk much but I communicate well in my deep, passionate, Love making… LOL!I can not believe I said that but it is true! The only problem is I do not want to stop!LOL! I think it may be more blissful for me than most people? I may be uncomfortable dating or in a new situation but in a trusting relationship it is very good. I love deeply. Maybe too much?
I do experience some general daily sensory overload and if I was not ready and someone started touching me they might get hit…but I would be very sad to think that some do not enjoy sex at all…
peace and love,
Proud Aspie
i have asperger’s syndrome, and saing that we cant love? i am deeply in love with my girlfriend that have no “neuropsychiatric disabilities”. so saing that we cant love is just a no brain statement, but she have friends that gets all suprised when she tells them that i have asperger’s syndrome.
I am 27 years old aspie. I never fall in love, never have sex. Perhaps I am indeed incapable of love.
I am not gay. Girls do physically acttract me, while men never. But even I have some feelings to a girl, those feelings are so self-contradictory that cannot be appropriately described as “love”. (I even have trouble to directly express my concerning to people that I care, including my parants. There are always some unclear feelings bother me, like a taboo, preventing me to do so.) The normal routine of date also makes me very uncomfortable.
Perhaps I just interpret the word “love” too literally by the ideal definition that I learned in childhood, and there is practically no real implementation of it.
Admire those aspies who are still able to love.
“If love was something I could feel, at least some kind of cheerfulness … “
you can love anyone as well as any other aspie out there. I’m a pretty private figure though I put on an outgoing facade for the world to see I keep a distance emotionally most of the time, don’t accept favors very much unless its on my birthday even then it makes me somewhat uncomfortable cuz I’m obligated to give and I can’t give back as much as they give me. So what to do Idk but don’t give up on hope your as good as rest of us
Yes, we Aspies can love. And we can hurt, pamper, ignore, serve, hold precious, frustrate, long for, and bleed for the people we love. Personally, my Asperger traits drove my wife of 10 years from me. We have 3 kids and have tried so hard to make it work for their sake. And, frankly, if it weren’t for them I would not be here. I am not only diagnosed with AS, but also with depression, and am struggling with a seperation that has turned ugly and cold. My very best friend and confident, my cheerleader through thick and thin, wants as little contact with me as possible. I distanced myself from family and friends because they did not always seem to support our marriage, so I’m even more distant from them than ever. I feel very much alone – in a hollow, sickening way. There are far too many intricate facets of our relationship to point to any of them as a sole cause, but I know the ‘big ones’ were lack of communication, lack of compassion, and disorganization. She (NT) gave a lot more to the relationship in those areas, but she needed much more reciprocity than I have been capable of. She seemed overly critical at times – probably just my perception – but it eventually drove my self-confidence into the ground, which caused still more problems. I do not blame her in any fashion for our failed marriage, I blame my self and my condition. I feel very lost and my flickering flame of hope has finally been extenguished. I could forgive and forget all the ugliness if she’d just take me back; however, she does not forgive and forget so easily.
Okay, now that I’ve bled all over this blog, do you believe that we are capable of love?
Farmboy, I am married to an aspi for almost 11 yrs and our son is an aspi who is 10. We are having huge communication problems, I try so haard, but can’t seem to get him to acknowlege that he is an aspi , he was never diagnosed and has been in the military for 18 yrs. We love each other very much but everything always turns into bickering and banter. when I try to tell him how I feel or what I need or how to help his son, he takes everything as a personal attack and becomes defensive, twists & turns, changes subject to something irrelevant. He does love me and tells me all the time but doesn’t show it and doen’t show an interest in his son. How can I communicate with him, without making him feel like he has to be on the defensive and make a million excuses, or was gonna. It always seems to be something. When I ask him a ?, he always repeats the ? or answers with a ?, like he is lying or trying to come up with one. Do you think he is just trying to think so he can articulate his answer? I am feeling like your wife, like I just don’t know if I can do this anymore. We need a husband and a father and friend, his son needs more attention and love from his dad. He can show me love buy has to force himself to show his son love. He always refuses to addmit when he lies or is wrong, and has trouble being accountable, so very sensitive and defensive. How do I communicat with him with out him becoming defensive ormaking excuses. I don’t want to leave, but I have gone from being a happy independant, confident loving life kind of woman to being deppressed, anxiety, angry, no desire to do anything because trying to doanything is such a hassle. He can’t make decisions, always anal about little things and big things he minimizes. Do you have any suggestions on how to better communicate with him so there is not constant banter and bickering. We used to have fun and be totally loving, laughing doing things to nothing, but dealing with our sons behavior as well. From a mans point of view what can I do differently. I suggest counciling and even say that i need to work on things too and he still feels like I am blaiming everything on him and becomes defensive and says hurtful things he doesn’t mean. The way I see it say what you mean and mean what you say, do what you say you will and no do as I say not as I do. Do you understand how I am feeling and what I am trying to ask of you. Just don’t know if it is the aspi or if he is cheating or just doesn’t care, not sure. Some insight to how I may better communicate with him to make him want to partisipate and feel better, cause my son needs help but can’t help him if his dad is having same behaviors. HELP me understand. I know aspi are capable of love my son is very loving and so is my husband but the communication breakdown is out of control and I am at the end of my rope. thanks
As an Aspi, I can sympathize with your husband. We have been persecuted and put down by society for being the way w are. Some people get into a relationship with us, figuring they can fix us up (make us neurotypical). When they find they can’t, they dump us. Some friends. After numerous traumas, we are gun-shy of relationships with people.
What we need is people like ourselves. People who are as specialized and wounded as ourselves. If you can learn about his specialty, you will earn the right to be heard.
Your husband and son should come up with a project that sorta fits each of their specialties. As they work together, their relationship will grow. They can learn to cut each other slack. They will chat while doing. That’s how we do it.
” when I try to tell him how I feel or what I need or how to help his son, he takes everything as a personal attack and becomes defensive, twists & turns, changes subject to something irrelevant.”
Some non-Aspies behave that same way for other reasons. Here are 3 examples:
Some non-Aspie people behave that way because they want to be macho and think any caring for children besides earning money to pay for their food, housing, etc. is too feminine for them.
Some NT people behave that way because they have big egos and would rather take something personally than realize “it’s not all about me.”
Some non-Aspie people behave that way because they believe the “don’t care what anyone else thinks!” hype enough to think that listening to other people (and spouses are other people too) will make them conformist.
So…about “I try so haard, but can’t seem to get him to acknowlege that he is an aspi , he was never diagnosed and has been in the military for 18 yrs.”
Maybe you can’t get him to acknowledge “I’m an Aspie” because maybe he isn’t an Aspie in the first place…?
Thanks Farmboy and everyone else for your candidness on this web site. I have read and studied up on this and I tried everything I could think of to put some boundaries into play so he could be himself and I could get my needs met when he did his disappearing act to go recalibrate. He decided what those terms would be and he assured me he could stick to them. In the end he could not and once again my buttons got pushed. I finally told him that if he didn’t want to be in this relationship he didn’t have to be but he needed to stop jerking me around. I emotionally backed him into a corner and he broke up with me.
My problem with this relationship was that it was all on his terms and it is not really a relationship if it’s all on ones persons terms. God….. I love this man so much and on some levels he got me better than anyone but it was always on his terms and he could not be bothered to meet me half way….even when he himself decided what those terms should be.
I do have one nagging question…….does aspergers present itself with bio- polar issues too? He spends all his time obssessed with a job that he claims he hates and wants to get away from but will give it 150 percent of his time and 200 percent of his emotions and the woman that he claims he loves everyday get the 5% left overs. I don’t know if I will ever hear from him again and it will be really akward since we work in the same department together. Sorry to be rambling but it just happened today and my heart is on the floor in a million little pieces.
Maggie
Farmboy45, I’m very sorry you’re hurting. I do believe Aspies can love. I do. This site made me realised how deeply Aspies can love. It also made me realise that any neglect I suffered at the hands of my undiagnosed Aspie ex has less to do with his Aspie and more to do with the fact that I was not the right person for him. He not only never loved me, he never even valued my friendship. He has now asked me to disappear from his life. He wants no contact with me at all. And I don’t understand why. I have been utterly devastated by him. And humiliated. But not having him in my life has actually helped me move on. Maggie, my experience was the same as yours. Everything was on his terms. If someone tells you they don’t want you – Aspie or not – they mean it. I’m sorry. I think you should try to move on.
MY experience with an AS husband after 12 years –
- he never said a ‘I love you’
- he never displayed a kind gesture, no presents, no time for me
- he never asked what I like, what I would want
- every decision made for his own benefit to the detriment of our family especially financially
- refuses to do any chores
- refuses to do anything that does not stimulate him
- never enjoyed sex so it pretty much didn’t happen for the final 11 years, he refused to talk about it
- hates physical contact, no hugs no touching, he even cringes when his children hug him.
- no outward joy at being told he was going to be a father, no outward joy at holding his chidren for the first time
- when his children were 18 months and 6 months he told me he no longer had any feelings towards them or me
- when my father had cancer he simply said ‘sorry I can’t be there for you’
- when I cry he simply stands a couple of metres away and stares in silence then walks away.
- he excels in a work enviroment, he is in the top 1% earning bracket, he commitment to work is 200%
- never taken time out of work to spend with family, no initiative to plan time or spend time with family
- when he gets a new interest or hobby he becomes obsessed, has no awareness of life going on around him these interests have typically lasted approx 6 months before he looks for something else
- he says he feels no emotions, everything to him is explained in terms of science
- he is obsessed with knowledge, he reads and listens to facts and figures, he conversations are only based on the things he has learned and his perspective on them, as soon as you contribute to the conversation he has switched off and has a vacant stare
- he obsesses over music, usually repetitive sounds to which he describes as mathematic beauty not the pleasure of the sound, it is not uncommon for him to listen to the same sound on repeat for an entire day whilst tapping his legs, hands and whistling along
- he says he does not like anyone
- he is obsessed with his appearance, he buys a new wardrobe every week and spends countless hours in the gym
- he is depressed, he says nothing in life gives him pleasure, he describes himself as Vulcan (star trek)
- he has no friends, his childhood soul mate; his brother is a laborer and he views this as beneath his intelligence so no longer talks to him. The same logic is applied to all other people he meets.
- he has no social issues in a work environment, he is aware of the needs of his colleagues and staff and fulfills them, including emotional
-he has trouble sleeping, his therapist says he sleep pattern is one of anxiety
My AS husband is seeking therapy as he doesn’t want to be this person.
Like I said this is the experience and viewpoints expressed my myself and my AS husband, everyone is an individual regardless of being NT or AS.
I hope that my comments will help others identify with my husbands/my situation.
NOTE – Despite this experience for the last 12 years I still dearly love my husband but until he is able to help himself through putting into practice his therapy he is not capable at this moment in his life of having a relationship.
Frankly this is a really sad story, and not for what might seem the obvious reasons. Love is a powerful emotion, but it is not some magic elixir that will make anything work if you just mix in enough and keep stirring. The fact that your husband is in therapy and going through hell to meet your demands should be enough for you to realize that your demands are unreasonable *for him*… very very key phrase, “for him”, as these demands seem perfectly reasonable among most people, even assumed in many instances. It’s obvious that you two fell in love with the wrong persons… he needs someone willing to be more nurturing and forgiving, even motherly, whereas you need a more self-sufficient and supportive man to help carry the burden and not add to it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with either one of you… oil and water don’t mix, but you can’t really blame it on either one… but the solution to me appears clear, that you two should go your own separate ways and find people who fit your own individual needs and desires, and in the process of doing so you should both take the time to enjoy being alone for a change and get to know yourselves better.
I’ve been in his shoes before, and I know he hurts for not being able to be what you need… the problem is that he never will be, not entirely, not even with all the therapy and support in the world will he ever be “normal”. The best and easiest answer is to accept that relationships are fluid, that they can be lifelong or brief, intense or casual, or any of a billion other things depending on the unique chemistry found between two individuals. If you can take the good from your relationship with him and walk away from the bad and look forward to that which has yet to come, you’re passing life’s test with flying colors.
“…The fact that your husband is in therapy and going through hell to meet your demands should be enough for you to realize that your demands are unreasonable *for him*… very very key phrase, ‘for him’…”
Spent2011 has needs of her own too. His demands of her (treating her and their children the ways she listed over the years and expecting her to tolerate it) is unreasonable *for her*. *For her* is no less key than *for him* when both of them are in the same marriage!
“…There is absolutely nothing wrong with either one of you… oil and water don’t mix, but you can’t really blame it on either one… but the solution to me appears clear, that you two should go your own separate ways and find people who fit your own individual needs and desires, and in the process of doing so you should both take the time to enjoy being alone for a change and get to know yourselves better…”
Wonderful points!
“What we need is people like ourselves. People who are as specialized and wounded as ourselves. If you can learn about his specialty, you will earn the right to be heard.”
As if she doesn’t already have the right to be heard by someone who married her, had sex with her, probably got her pregnant (she didn’t say if they adopted their on or not), etc.?
Being married to someone who thinks you don’t have a right to be heard by him or her is a dangerous situation and is the situation in a lot of marriages that later turn into *domestic violence* done by the partner who thinks “you haven’t earned the right for me to listen to you” against t he other one…
“We have been persecuted and put down by society for being the way w are.”
Speaking of persecutions and putdowns, for centuries the “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” attitude has been a very popular way for persecutors to put down the people they oppress. White supremacists have the “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” attitude about black people and other non-white people. Black supremacists have the “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” attitude about whites and other non-black people. Male chauvinists have the “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” attitude about women. Female chauvinists have the “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” attitude about men.
So, to anyone out there tempted to have the “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” attitude in the name of your Asperger’s…if you treat someone else that way and he or she stops liking you for it, then you’re not the one being persecuted.
There are a few posts that talk about Aspies shutting down, shutting-out the people closest to them, disappearing for a few days to ‘re-calibrate’. I’m an Aspie, married for 10 years. I posted on 5/8/11 my reply to the general idea of this thread, that “Aspies can’t love”, opposing that idea.
I wanted to say that my shut-downs were triggered by feeling attacked to some degree. Occasionally, my wife could bring me out of my shell by turning our argument into a discussion. I think it had a lot to do with my need to feel accepted. All our conflicts seemed to threaten my sense of acceptance from her, so, if you can think of a way to maintain that sense of being accepted in your AS partner during your conflicts maybe they’ll stay ‘with’ you in the exchange.
Another post mentions an Aspie with a long history in the military and a 10yr old son. I have three boys that are 13, 9, and 8, and each of them frustrates the hell out of me in his own way. However, I found that when the eldest was around 10 or 11, his humor slowly began to align (somewhat) with mine. His Mom and I teased him and he played along with it, and it became really fun to interact with him. I didn’t have to put on my ‘kid’ hat so much anymore to interact with him. Find a movie or something they can both laugh at, together. Get them to spend more time together and maybe some of the ‘starch’ will give-way to a more relaxed and comfortable attitude. Maybe they could work out together? Living room wrestling match? I hope this helps/works!
Why is it the NT has to always make the Aspie feel accepted? I ve been doing that for 27 years yet when I express myself Im only accepted if I act just like him. Im burnt out. I realize we never should have married in the first place and I struggle with the decision to abandon him while we have 3 kids in college. I havent worked outside the home in 22 years ( he never wanted me to, nor did i hae the energy or time caring for 3 special needs kids – 2 AS on ADHD,plus a special needs husband all while being ADHD myself) 15 years ago I told myself I would hang on till the kids were grown. Now they are grown but with the financial strain fo 3 hefty tuition payments I’m stuck another 4 years. I need the sexuality and emotional bond that goes with it. yet our issues are way deeper than a sexual one.
Here are lyrics to a Rupert Holmes track which I think would fit this subject matter, from the last track off his 1994 album Scenario, titled If Love Made Sense:
She has made a list
Of the reasons she should love me.
She has made a list,
There’s not a trait she’s missed.
There’s my humor and demeanor.
I could not be squeaky cleaner.
I’m from Camelot,
But damn she loves me not.
Case dismissed.
But could I ever resist?
So I’ve made a plan
Of the things I’ll do to win her.
I have made a plan,
I’ve got it well in hand.
And though it may be out of fashion,
I will plead my case with passion
Full of high ideal
Right down to my last appeal
‘Til she concedes
That I am all that she needs.
If love made sense, it would be easy.
And life would be as we designed.
But love makes sense just to the senses
And it is blind to the mind.
For love makes sense just to the senses,
And it is blind to my mind.
So I’ve made this list
Of the reasons not to spend my life in hot pursuit
Of love that won’t compute.
And if I had half my senses
I would raise my best defenses
And then step aside,
Preserving all of my pride.
You know the twist:
Of course I’ve torn up the list.
If love made sense, it might be easy.
And life would be as we designed.
But love makes sense just to the senses
And it is blind to the mind.
If love made sense, it would be easy.
As if life ever would be easy
Or love made any sense at all.
I’m sorry but I seriously can not agree with this. Everyone in this world is capable of loving others. My darling little sister has aspergers and tells me daily how much she loves me, she always cuddles up to me and you can see in the way she talks to my parents and the rest of us in our family that she truly loves and adores us. Also I went to school with a boy who had aspergers and he was in love with one of my friends. He would bring her flowers and write her love letters and small things like that. EVERYONE in this world is capable of love no matter whether there is something “wrong” with their brain as doctors would like to tell us – though sometimes it is an enhancement – or not.
Thank you, Jo, for standing up for us Aspergers men.
Now we don’t “catch” how to do all this stuff; we need to overtly learn it. I recommend Aspergers read “The Five Love Languages: Men’s Edition” by Gary Chapman. That way we have a fighting chance when a woman thinks to herself, “If he loved me he would …”, and then gets disappointed when he doesn’t read her mind! “What’s the matter, dear?” “Oh, nothing,” she says in a frosty tone. That doesn’t help.
Neurotypical man can get along with an Asperger’s woman by bullying her and ignoring her. She feels she deserves it.
An Aspergers man can get along with a neurotypical woman — until she finally understands she can’t “fix” him into becoming a neurotypical. Then she goes looking for another man she can “fix.”
My partner pf four years was recently diagnosed with AS. In some ways this was such a relief, as it explained so many things. We’re going to therapy with an ASD specialist and are very lucky that there is a new one in our area. But I desperately need help in trying to explain to my man that when I’m upset about something I will always sound upset, and O’m not havimg a go at him. It is simply me being me! It appears to me and my teenage daughter that we are the ones that have to do all the getting used to amd changing to fit in with his needa and he never seems to adjust to ours. He is very critical amd can be extremely hurtful but I accept this as being his way. And i button up my emptional body armpur and don’t let it get to me. I need the abiloty to explain to him that it’s not hom O’m annoyed at just my way of expressing my irritation. But he won’t listen. Takes it all personally and i end up feeling like I cannot tell hom hpw I feel, which is damaging to pur relationship and my emotional well neong
Any pointers please.
Thank you
What people need to understand is that the neurotypical partner will always be the one adjusting to the asperger partner, and it’s as simple as that. If you enter into a relationship with an aspie, you’re taking on an incredible task and responsibility to someone who has very specific needs in their relationships. Most aspies are like me and can function without any kind of relationship for their whole lives if it so happens, so that is why they are unwilling to meet halfway, because the aspie partner just doesn’t NEED the neurotypical partner the same way that the NT needs the AS. Everyone on here is saying the same, that their aspie mate won’t meet them halfway… at some point we’re all just going to have to accept that as the unfortunate reality and move forward, with or without our partners.
“If you enter into a relationship with an aspie, you’re taking on an incredible task and responsibility to someone who has very specific needs in their relationships.”
Very specific needs, or just very specific wants?
“Most aspies are like me and can function without any kind of relationship for their whole lives if it so happens”
OK, so it’s really very specific wants. If they were very specific *needs* then you wouldn’t function so well without a relationship in which the other person gives you all of those.
” Everyone on here is saying the same, that their aspie mate won’t meet them halfway… at some point we’re all just going to have to accept that as the unfortunate reality and move forward, with or without our partners.”
This is a very respectful and empathetic thing to say! Instead of telling us that we have to endure relationships with people who won’t meet us halfway – you’re doing better!
You’re acknowledging that some people won’t meet us halfway, reminding us that we can’t make them meet us halfway, and accepting that some of us don’t want to be in relationships with people who won’t meet us halfway and would rather be single than stay in relationships which turn out to be that way.
Yes, I was on a downer yesterday, ending up with a migraine and not in work today recovering! But I do know that my aspie partner would not still be on this planet if it wasn’t for our relationship. When I first met him he was happy in a relationship, and they had a small child. Then one day, she upped and left. No forwarding address, just packed some things and left whilst he was at work.
He was distraught, and we went out for a drink just to keep him out of the house and give some sanity to the situation . . . over the next few months she messed him around something chronic, and he ended the relationship with her a year later. I was there for him throughout that time, he showed up at my house occasionally, and our relationship built from there. He has said to me since, that he would have committed suicide if it wasn’t for me being there for him all that time. If I hadn’t supported him, been on the other end of a phone / IM / text . . . just being there meant everything to him.
So, I don’t necessarily agree that survival without others is really the “Aspie Way” . . . maybe as is the case in NT’s there’s just different people, different personailities and possibly due to differences in the way in which people are brought up, the differences in the culture in which they live, the differences in the people with which they interact, their interdepency on others is as individual as we all are.
So as far as the original thread goes, yes aspie’s can love, in all shapes and sizes. He doesn’t tell me he loves me every day, he doesn’t buy me flowers, but he does show me he loves me, he does tell me that he appreciates all I do for him, how much I help him out with situations which he just cannot deal with. And I wouldn’t have him any other way . . . if he was different, he wouldn’t be him
I guess by needs I mean whatever that person needs to not be driven away out of the relationship… for an aspie, many times wants and needs are the same… we don’t always differentiate between the two very well, and sometimes something that would seem like a want to a NT might actually be a need to an aspie… some of the rules that pertain to relationships fly right out the window when you end up with an aspie. I completely acknowledge how difficult we aspies can be in relationships… my only point is that if you don’t pretty much pander to and placate an aspie, you can expect a rough ride, and since one shouldn’t really pander to or placate anyone, there’s part of the rub. I’m lucky that I have a rather mild case of AS and can pass as “normal” most of the time in public or with friends, but with my lover I tend to be a bit more myself, like wearing a mask all day and then getting to take it off and share the real me with someone. The flip side of that coin is he gets all of the crap I hold back from other people, but for me to be in a relationship I have to be comfortable as myself around that person, otherwise I’ll just leave to be alone so that I can be myself without any consequences. Long story short, if your partner seems more “aspie-ish” toward you than to others, you may oddly
enough want to take it as a compliment that he or she trusts you very much.
I have a friend who has with Aspergers. I love him so much but most of the time I don’t understand him. He says he shuts down his feels and does not bond with people. Just because he says he he does not care and can’t bond with me does that mean . He calls me all the time and when he is here in town we see each other all the time. Is he not capable of feeling he cares when he actually does. Please explain the
personality of a person with Aspergers.
Richard, thank you. I guess I knew that really, on a downer today and being unable to cope with me, it was even harder coping with him! Even the cats have avoided us today!
As an NT, and having been involved with an undiagnosed Aspie, the biggest obstacle, as I see it, is not so much the Aspie’s inability to emote the way an NT does, or gush, or effuse, or any of the things NTs have come to recognise as expressions of love thanks to pop culture; rather, the biggest obstacle is wanting someone so dearly who never conveys to you whether they like you, enjoy your company, want you, regard you or esteem you. It’s the feeling that you (the NT) don’t matter, don’t exist, are irrelevant, the feeling that you do not enhance your Aspie’s life, are not wanted nor valued – and that becomes unbearable. It’s the not knowing that can be painful. It certainly was for me. Everyone wants to be loved and wanted, and we ALL express our love in different ways – and therein lies the crux of it.
Orchid33, did you take on an Asperger as a project, intending to “fix” him and make him NT? Did you lead him on to believe you loved him? Did you lead him on to believe you meant “to have and to hold from this day forward, til death do you part?” For enough money you would stick around. Unfortunately, NT’s take to dishonesty like ducks to water.
What if you didn’t know he was aspie and just thought he was young, inexperienced and immature and would grow into being comfortable in the emotional reciprocity stuff? What if by the time you realized it was a neurological not a psychological issue it was 20 years down the road? What if he wasnt as Aspie in his younger years but the stress of life and time has accentuated hose traits and they are now unbearable? Once could say this about an NT incompatibility as well. But I believe what makes it so difficult for an NT is that there is no compromise. In my case its a different love language. That’s fine I learned to speak his but I would like to be spoken to in mine every so often. HE USED to but shortly after we married and had kids it all went away. HE lied to me. presented as something different so, yes, Ive tried to “fix” him but only to have back the man i fell in love with. First kissing stopped then foreplay then the criticism on everything i seem to do or say unless i meet his extraordinarily high standards. Its fine to have his high standards, but the expect when i do the task for me to do it as he would is unreasonable. Is it unreasonable to expect a husband to tell his very attractive wife that she is pretty? even once? I know there are sensory issues but I need to kiss. It feels good. His tugging my hair (his sign of affection) is babyish and hurts. He continues to do it even though i ask him to touch skin instead. Even after i tell him it hurts. he cant believe it hurts me.
“…HE lied to me. presented as something different so, yes, Ive tried to “fix” him but only to have back the man i fell in love with. First kissing stopped then foreplay then the criticism on everything i seem to do or say…”
Good points!
“…His tugging my hair (his sign of affection) is babyish and hurts. He continues to do it even though i ask him to touch skin instead. Even after i tell him it hurts. he cant believe it hurts me.”
When telling one’s partner something hurts doesn’t stop the partner from hurting one that way, then one stays in danger by staying stay with that partner. No matter what “love language” label someone else puts on the hurt.
Timuchin, I don’t understand all your questions, but I will try to answer them in turn:
1. ‘Fix’ what, exactly?
2. I did love him – very much.
3. We were never married.
4. I don’t understand your comment about ‘money’.
5. And re dishonesty: are you implying he was dishonest and I took to it like a duck to water? He was never dishonest. He always told the truth, no matter how painful.
In the end, he told me he hasn’t got the right feelings for me and asked me to disappear from his world. So I have.
Orchid33, I’m sorry for being so judgmental. I am wrong.
It’s not you or him; my wife and others have given me a hard time lately. Numerous women on sites like this will decide to dump their Aspergers husbands when they find they can’t fix ‘em. Sometimes they will exaggerate the situation to get people to give them moral justification to dump him.
Some of them are NT’s. Some of them are NT-wannabee Aspergers who live in denial. The former will just drop out. The latter can be really harsh, acting out the rejection they suffered as kids.
The millionaires of silicon valley (Aspergers) can write up a legal agreement for a marriage and stay comfortably married even with an NT. The classic example is Bill Gates. The less-than-millionaire Aspergers can get conned out of their money by not having a legal marriage agreement, the wife bruises her own arm and losing all his money to her.
Thank you, Timuchin. These forums, while helpful, are an unnatural way in which to communicate and open to a lot of misinterpretation. I loved my ex very much and was utterly devastated when he not only ended it but asked me to disappear from his life. He said he thought it would be the best thing to do so I could move on. In the end, I meant nothing to him – and that has nothing to do with being Aspie. He simply didn’t want me. Good luck Timuchin. Sounds as if you’ve met some predatory, unscrupulous women. I’m sorry.
Orchid33 you have had me near to tears with you statements. I cared very much for someone who is an Aspie. I did not want to fix him. I liked him just the way he was. We were just friends but I wanted more. He just did not want me. It took me a long time to understand this. I was pretty much one of the guys. Fortunately I was in other relationships and the man I’m with now worships me. He has been like a pair of bumper guards around by bruised emotions. My Aspie and I are no longer friends. He thought I was chasing him and pretty much told me this even though he stared at his shoes the entire time while we spent 2 hours in the freezing rain. He has a problem relating to women who are his age and is now in a relationship with a girl who is 24. He’s 44. I know it is a matter of time before she dumps him but I’m definitely not waiting around for this. I will not help him pick up the pieces and restore his self esteem after she has treated him like crap. We work together and he has flashed his pictures of her around to everyone in the building. I have just ignored him. I know he is bothered by my behavior because I’ve seen the look on his face when he sees me laughing it up with our mutual friends knowing he can’t join in. I think he wants to share his new found love with me but I’m not having it. Everyone tells me that they think he wants to be friends again but I don’t . In the end I feel as though he is the one who is missing out. Unlike you I can see his reaction to me not being in his life. But like my ex friend your friend is the one who is missing out.
orchid 33, I was married for the best part of 20 years to an NT. He was judgemental, he insulted me, he undermined me in front of our two children, he did not “love and cherish” me in the way that I understood from our marriage vows. I divorced him.
My aspie may have a different idea of humour, he may be insulting sometimes when he thinks it’s funny, not realising that his comments can be hurtful. But we just came back from the local shop with food for tea, and in the queue for the checkout, he kissed me. Totally unexpected, totally unasked for. He shows his love for me in different ways.
So, I think, in some ways, that it is down to each individual person, as it is with NT”s. We are all different and we should celebrate our diversity and not focus too much on putting ourselves and our loved ones into boxes. NT and AS all come in different shapes and different sizes, with different ways of expressing themselves, that should be a positive thing to celebrate, rather than a negative thing. I don’t want my partner “fixed” I love him as he is. It’s all the part of the wonderful thing which is being human.
Elljayjay, THANKS for your kind words! My NT wife and I struggled through our marriage which has ended, sadly. We both still love each other very much, but had needs of each other that we could not meet and issues that were not addressed.
I am SO happy for you and your Aspie! It gives me hope that I (AS) might find love with a woman that can accept and/or tolerate my condition. Your positive comments are very, very much appreciated!!
farmboy45, if I can give one person hope in the maelstrom of life, then I’m more than happy! I’m sure that you will find happiness again, I firmly believe that there is happiness and contentment out there for all of us, even if we have to make it ourselves
People are born with innate talents and pre-dispositions. These evolve into skill-sets that are adapted to be used in everyday life. Asperger’s Syndrome is a title or name for people who are born and evolve with an atypical skill-set usually overdeveloped in one area, and underdeveloped in another, usually socially. I’m a social idiot. But thanks to my Neuro-Typical Mother and Sister, open lines of Communication, my Aspergian (it’s the word we use…) Father, I had a loving and supporting environment, accumulated wisdom, experience, and a teacher who took it apon herself to make sure I would be ready for society. I believe that we lack certain skills, not universally, but enough for a stereotype. We CAN love, it may just be difficult for us to display it or in the beginning truly know it. I Love my family, I’d give my life for them. I have a harder time making friends, but I am loyal and hope they know I’d help no matter what. I can say my social development is slower than typical, but why would I care? I am me, everyone else is who they are. I believe that everyone has a reason for being and the universe has a will of its own, whether it is “luck” “destiny” or “fate”. So I look on the brightside, and try not to have expectations to be broken or let down, and take it as it comes.
We’re normal people too, just an atypical normal. If that makes any sense
Apologies if I digressed or ranted too much. One skill I have not mastered…
I hope this wastes no ones time…
I couldn’t have put it better myself… you sound an awful lot like me, actually.
“Asperger’s Syndrome is a title or name for people who are born and evolve with an atypical skill-set usually overdeveloped in one area, and underdeveloped in another, usually socially. ”
When people are born and evolve with an atypical skill-set usually overdeveloped in one area, and underdeveloped in another, and it’s some their social skills that are overdeveloped and their math skills that are underdeveloped, then they have William’s Syndrome instead of Asperger’s Syndrome. In a way, people with William’s are on the opposite side of the spectrum from people with Asperger’s or Autism and it’s the neurotypical people who are in the middle.
Aspies can love. Simple as that. I know I did.
I am an Aspie, and I handle love very differently than most people. My way of “showing love” was to abuse the boy, and I did that the first 16 years of my life. I figured that since he loved me, I need not show anything in return. I was raised by detached parents and nothing was explained to me, so I didn’t understand that I needed to reciprocate and show kindness and affection. Needless to say, I was completely confused and heartbroken when he ditched me for somebody else.
I tried and tried to win him back and kept failing. I feel into a deep depression for months, and eventually my counselor convinced my parents to take me to a psychologist. She explained to me everything a normal person would have understood, and it surprised me. It had never occurred to me that I was the problem, and my idea of how love works was completely different from what most people understood. Apparently, a lot of the things I’d taught myself were inaccurate or completely wrong, because when I tried doing them the way the psychologist suggested, things turned around for me.
Sadly, I never got my guy back. He wants nothing to do with me any more. But I’m ok with that, because I know next time I will understand my thoughts and feelings a bit better. While I may not be able to express them as well as others, I understand that showing love and affection is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. I am personally capable of it, but I was holding myself back because I was afraid that I would do or say something that would make me look foolish or silly, and also because I was not quite sure what to do in the first place.
My personal story.
This post brought tears to my eyes fror my husband too had vbery detached parents and my husband has even told me he had to teach himself everything. Thinks showing love is a weakness especialy if Im asking for a sign of love. Sometimes he can premptively show me love and Im fine but when he goes into his aspie withdrawal states, always seemingly at a time im in need of extra emotional suppport. its become problematic.
Aspies can really show love; it’s just how people view it that can make a difference, as well as how an Aspie can deal with his or her own life.
I, too, am an Aspie and have been struggling a lot to find my perfect match because of so many things. Many of my Facebook friends have been asking me why I’m still single at the age of 23 (despite the fact that I had two past relationships), and that I can’t answer them directly. I told myself that it’s either my behaviors and slow social development that hinders my capabilities to have a girlfriend, or that my lack of knowledge of nonverbal cues that contributes to such problems as me being a poor listener, stressed out, constantly in “anxiety mode”, and socially misunderstood. Worse, I usually have the excuses of distance, workload, and transit “inflexibility” that i use to ‘discourage’ myself from having a meaningful relationship with someone. My typical pattern would be home to school to work to home, usually ending before 8pm because no bus goes inside my place afterwards. But I think this cyclical behavior has severely impacted my chances of meeting other people, spending time with my friends, and eventually find someone I’m interested to be with.
I am a very loyal person who is a nerd for transportation and mathematics, and I definitely love visiting cities for their architecture, design, and structure. I go to a university, but I struggle to find a suitable girl for me because I feel like that girl is already with someone else that makes me think I’m too late for her. I live with my family north of San Francisco where activities tend to be merely just the farmers markets and a big, empty mall; otherwise, that’s it–the nearest downtown is about 6 miles, about 40 minutes by bus. I’ve been ready to go out with someone, but I think my faculty to love someone intimately is not yet deep enough because ive been hurt so many times from my childhood until the end of high school, 10 years’ worth. I figure that loving someone means that I just can talk to her online or through text, but physical contact is very tough for me, especially dealing with distance and my current posture and behaviors.
I know I may lack a lot of social things, but I know that I love a lot of things. I just don’t know though how to actually love someone (be it a NT or with Aspie) even though that I can be flexible with my schedule to spend time with her (distance, again, is key). I think it can be a challenge for Aspies to find love, but I know that they really can love.
What the hell! What the hell drove you to being so prejudice!? We experience emotions as fully as ‘normies’ and can love others just as any other human being can. Maybe you need to learn what it is to be autistic before you make these hugely gross general accusations! The same goes to anyone who thinks this way of “aspies”, parents or otherwise.
I am a almost 24 year old with asperger syndrome I really like the things that were posted some stories were very touching I wish everyone that struggles like I do the best of luck WE ALL CAN LOVE simple as that if we couldn’t love then we wouldn’t be able to do anything nice or say anything nice in my opinion, If someone wants to understand me better how do I let them do that, or friendship and relationships how can I crack this suit of armor I hidden behind all these years I wanna come out. I care about people though I don’t like to admit it in some cases I’m lost
I have asperger’s syndrome, and have loved deeper than most non aspies, I generally care about my friends and family, hate to see people hurt, albiet most people with my condition can be what seems like incapable of emotions, we are not robots, we do get sad, happy, angry, and we can feel love.
Love is what makes us human, anyone who has ever been around AS knows it’s a syndrome not a definition and people with AS are fully capable of love, affection and friendship.
Everyone should experience this moment… Once in a life
I am currently struggling with the man that I love, whom, I highly suspect has Asperger’s. Firmly believe in my heart that he loves me in his own way. After 18 months of dating, I broke up with him. Emotional shut downs, lack of affection, little intimacy, passive-aggressive behaviour, and an attitude that relationships seem to have little value or priority were some of the things I tried to cope with.
Not all doom & gloom, as there were some tender moments. Overtime I realized the pattern. He is in his 50′s and outside of our relationship, his previous one’s did not last more than 3 mos.
We have had some contact since our break up 4 mos ago. He seems to be angry and hurt. I do not want to give up on us, but he has expressed fear that I will leave him again if we get back together.
Not sure what to do next. Looking for advice regarding good resources, books, and just generally how I can support him without losing myself.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
You said “Emotional shut downs, lack of affection, little intimacy, passive-aggressive behaviour, and an attitude that relationships seem to have little value or priority.”
For a moment, never mind why *he* treats you that way and just ask yourself, “How do *I* *feel* about being treated that way? Do I *want* to keep being treated that way?” You’ve got three options in the relationship department:
(a) returning to him and making him stop treating you that way
(b) returning to him and continuing to experience him treating you that way
(c) not returning to him and instead looking for someone else (maybe you’ll find someone compatible, maybe you won’t, a lot is up to chance here as I know firsthand) or choosing to stay single
Fort all I know, (a) is impossible and if it is then you’ve got only two options in the relationship department, (b) and (c).
i felt great relief at reading this e mail. i too have been in a relationship with someone who has always seemed a little ‘odd’ – i have known him for many years and been in a relationship with him for just over 18 months. I completely agree with all that you say and constantly wonder whether i should continue in the relationship. he has had relationships in the past and initially told me he ended them but i realise that others have ended them as they have wanted more than he can give. i want to be told i am loved, but when i broach this he tells me i should not put words into his mouth – which i found really hurtful – but he tells me of course he cares. although he does not want to live with anyone he is contact by phone every night and comes around about 5 times per week – so i end up being confused. on the one hand i think he is afraid of being rejected, as he says he has met a lot of nice people but he always seems to let them down. he too is in his fifties. i want to hear ‘i love you’ which i did when i first started seeing him but never since……… can i cope with this……. i love being with him and he does nice things for me sometimes but is very ego centric a lot of the time. i would welcome other peoples thoughts. we do talk but the ‘i love you’ bit is tense…….
To to post a succinct message, I have AS and I’m incapable of love.
hello Dafdd,
perhaps you just “love” in your own way. Not the way others would see it, as the way you would love isnt the orthadox way of love. i doubt you are emotionless, you maybe cant tranlate a feeling into an action or words as for you they may not appear the same as to others…. you are not stone, you are very much human. As a female with AS i can relate, i used to force myself to “love” and doing so married the wrong man. however i now know how i feel it… it took one trigger and BANG. Its called the right person one you wish to share everything with, and no it doesnt have to be based on the physical more just the joy of being with that person.
Best wishes as always
Rose
I wonder if you may be like me, that you are sick to the teeth of text book stereo typing.
Yes we can love, and very deeply, sometimes almost obsessively. I am an aspergers woman aged 29, I am In love with a man who also has Aspergers syndrom. I have come to see he may love me in his own way but as nothing more than a friend, we live at different ends of the country from each other but we meet, so far spent a month together over the course of a year. We talk through skype, or FB everyday. We spend hours chatting, infact 4-6 hours just talking. when we meet we dont stop talking, and we share everything.
I would like very much to be with him my whole life, wake up with him every morning spend every moment together, have his child etc. Now if that isnt love, and im not supposed to love, tell me what is. If sex scares him im happy just to be with him everyday, finally being me, and who i am. He is the only person i can truly be myself with, no other has made me feel “alive” or this happy/contented. I could call him the male version of myself. I hate whenever we have to say goodbye.
As for the “Touch theory” … well i like to be touched, i hate being tapped, but a warm loving touch, well, that is very different, i love to hug too. I love being in his arms, i would also love to kiss him, but even at 29 im scared to kiss, i always think its easier to be kissed.
I have no fear of intimacy, although it sometimes scares me, i have been intimate before and yet they say “aspies dont have sex” well we do. It just comes a little later, the true feeling /knowledge of what it really is.
Same with love. i have been guilty of getting married (to the wrong man) because i had a plan to marry and have a child. But i was niave to what real love is i just followed my plan, however, there is no love, and i now know what love feels like.
when i think of this man, i light up people notice, i smile more. I dont stop talking about him, i cant stop thinking about him. when i dream its often about him as he is always on my mind. He is the first and last thing i think about each day.
alright you judge, am i in love? Of course i can feel it! Im not stone, or dead because i have an autism spectrum disorder, just because we cant often communicate it, doesnt mean we dont feel it and on top of that, feel it deeply.
He is the only one for me, and i need him in my life as i feel more whole and more me when he is by me.
thank you for reading.
best wishes xx
while not aspergas myself i have 2 very close freinds who are and i support them all the time 1 of my freinds is in love right now an is always talking to me about it so to me its obvious aspergas people can love ive seen it i always wish my freinds the best of luck and will stand up for them as they will me i hope this shows that and also that to remember not all “normal” people are against aspergas people ur not alone!
good luck! a snape (ignore that it was a clue to my freind on who i am)
@Chickenman …
thank you do much for your support as a freind i value it greatly… and for your kind words to those on here also…
bless your kind heart… i just wish i knew how to stop loving him…
xx hugs my friend you are a star
@Chickenman …
thank you do much for your support as a freind i value it greatly… and for your kind words to those on here also…
bless your kind heart… i just wish i knew how to stop loving him…
xx hugs my friend you are a star
Yes, Asperger’s can do everything neurotypicals can do and everything neurotypicals can’t do, it’s not a disability, it’s an anti-human ability. People like people with Asperger’s, I have a friend (Asperger’s) named Sean and he had sex with his girlfriend many times. I think you need to be too optimistic, for we can add magic to this world and stuff but only when we see the Light in human behaviour, as a solipsist the glass is half full, that means my feelings towards people are 100%, other selfish things too: my pleasures of smoking, my right to always smoke, my courtesy, my fantasy, my reality, etc, and this is how I became 100% good.
I have Asperger’s and I’m capable of gay love. Just answering the professional’s question.
I’m dating my umpteenth Aspie (I was married to one for many years, and we have a child), and I’ve realized that I have quite a few traits myself. Once I know how the Aspie man shows love, it’s totally sweet and wonderful. I love that he does not yell at me (!) and I hold him when he feels overwhelmed–he’ll come and tell me that he does.
His family thinks he’s a failure as a human being, and I get angry sometimes over the things they say about him. My respect for his family loyalty keeps me from addressing this issue with him, but he seems relieved that I try to understand him. And when he says things like, “I’ll survive if we break up, but I worry I can’t give you what a normal person can.” I know the history, he has been almost suicidal over breakups before and is asking me to make a decision before we get in too deep.
One of my traits is loyalty, too. But we have a blast giggling like goofballs over word plays and can spend all day with animals and feel fulfilled–we recently had a blast talking about our horses’ quirky personalities on a trip we took. Of course, other people look at us like, “enough about the dumb horses already…” The best part of loving an Aspie is that he’s honest (we’re working together on the blunt part). I don’t have to worry about lies, because he would rather not have a relationship than have one in which he has to lie. Cool!
My Aspie is affectionate and the longer we date, the more he initiates it. Sweet enough to make you cry, I’m telling you! I’ve learned so much from him already, and hope we’re always together.
My daughter has an aspi as a friend and they have tried to get together 3 times and crashed and burned. From what my daughter tells me, he loves to a great degree and is loyal but very afraid of rejection and has had a hard homelife. He told my daughter how much he likes being with her and seemed they seemed very happy together. He has had a constant female friend in his life for almost 2 years who was my daughters friend. She actually introduced them. She herself has personal issues and a personality disorder. She is very narcissistic and runs his life. He was once interested in her, she never interested in him but strings him along. She claims to be bi. They are together 24/7 when they are not in school and even go on trips together with his family. He attempted for the 3rd time to have a relationship with my daughter and actually asked her out and when she questioned him still being with this girl alone all the time, he wound up breaking up with my daughter and pretty quickly at that. The other girl and he wanted to keep the same relationship and have my daughter as a girlfriend and my daughter couldn’t understand it. The other girl sent my daughter a text basically writing her off and the guy told my daughter he didn’t want to have to choose between my daughter and his best friend, this other girl. My daughter is pretty sure this other girl was probably with him when he texted her that he was breaking up with her(after only 5 days). My daughter and him have since made up, but not dating. He does not see my daughter outside of school because the other girl is angry with my daughter and they are done as friends. If she’s not friends with my daughter, he doesn’t come around. My daughter apologized to her but to no avail. My daughter is destroyed. She is 17 of course and hopefully will get over this. I think he is done trying but it wouldn’t surprise me if he tried again and I don’t think my daughter can go through this again. Is this some behavior of an aspie. Really sad for my daughter and I saw him like a son. Really sad. Any advice is welcome. Thanks so much.
“My daughter is destroyed. She is 17 of course and hopefully will get over this. I think he is done trying but it wouldn’t surprise me if he tried again and I don’t think my daughter can go through this again. Is this some behavior of an aspie. Really sad for my daughter and I saw him like a son. Really sad. Any advice is welcome. Thanks so much.”
No matter if he’s aspie or neurotypical or something else, teach your daughter to stand up for herself. Tell her it’s OK to stop being friends with someone after he or she treats her in an unfriendly way and makes her feel so sad. If he tries again and she tells you she feels tempted, remind her of these past problems but not in an “I told you so!!!” way, and acknowledge her losing a friend while supporting her emptionally. It’s totally possible to miss the good ways someone used to treat you, dislike the way that person treats you now, and miss who that person seemed to be then instead of putting up with who that person seems to be now.
Nobody should have to settle for that from anyone – and even staying single is better than settling for that – no matter how judgemental the “but how else can the poor guy get laid?!” crowd calls your daughter for not putting up with that behavior and not putting out for a guy treating her that way.
I love that picture. it represents a lot that humans don’t know, abd a lot that we think we know but really don’t, but most of all it represents the feeling of love. It’s human. Aspies are human.
I don’t believe so.
Let’s think about what “love” actually is and how people learn what it actually is.
Although people are taught they can “love” anything we’re taught that “being in love” is something you do with other people.
A person who experienced the emotions of “being in love” that wasn’t restricted just to people who was told that would likely not characterize it to themselves or to others as “being in love”, thinking the feeling they are having for something inanimate couldn’t possibly be that same feeling as characterized by society.
I suspect that we do experience “love”, that wonderful feeling we have when we’re knee-deep in an exciting special interest. If you think about the thought processes and emotions it’s very very similar to what people do when they are in love. When people are in love all their thoughts and emotions, their whole being is on that other person.
Love is relative and is a desire for combining your essence with another essence, which may be a thing’s essence or a person’s essence.
Meditation is a sort of love for “nothing/everything”.
I’m in love with a man who suffers from Aspergers’. Although he behaves like he loves me he tells me he does not fall in love with anyone, yet when we are not together he falls apart and is only a matter of weeks before he comes back. I’m tired of this pattern. I need to know he loves me and wants to be in a committed relationship with me. Is there any hope?
I don’t really believe in these disorders. I think it is all different personality traits. Seriously. Hay, some ‘normal’ people are totally incapable of love, and never show empathy, if they have it. So I think this is all just nonsense. If any being went to a psychologist and was totally open and honest, I bet you’d get diagnosed with something, whether it be Aspergers Syndrome, Bi-polar, depression or otherwise. We’re all different people.
Maybe Aspie’s just show love differently… but don’t we all? When one guy buys his loved one an expensive gift, another makes her something of sentimental value. While one takes her to her favorite place, another wants to spend the day simply holding her.
And maybe it is true that Aspie’s need less love. If they don’t tell you they love you all the time, does that really mean they don’t love you? Or is it more like, they don’t need you to say it all the time, so they assume you are already secure enough to know that they do love you?
Regardless of whether your partner has Asperges or not, there are going to be people we are not compatible with. Don’t make out like all Asperges people are the same, because even from this website, I’ve noted the differences in them, JUST LIKE THERE ARE DIFFERENCES IN ANYONE.
Stop being so stereotypical.
Can I just say, I am the second oldest in a family of four kids. My older sister his aspergers, as do my younger brother and sister and I have not once thought they were any different then me when it came to every day relationships in their lives
My brother is only six, but he’s a very affectionate kid, always giving hugs when he senses one of us is feeling down or just because he wants to and always saying “love you” to everyone in the house before going to sleep and both my sisters, though not interested in love at the moment, have talked about their futures and mentioned having a husband and maybe a kid.
I have seen that, yes they find it difficult to make friends, and yeah, their not fantastic for making conversation, but they don’t shut people out either, they all try to do things with a group and when in a group get into a conversation.
So my opinion – They may take a different view on relationships, but they certainly do have love and show it in all of the things they do.
My fiancé is an Aspie, and I love him more for it. I find his quirks adorable and fascinating. :] As far as his love for me, rather than the surge of emotions and hormones that most of us feel, it almost seems to be more of a feeling of acceptance, security, and (though I kinda feel bad to say it) dependence. He gets jealous, but it seems to be because he’s scared to be without someone that cares for him versus losing me specifically. I help him interact with people effectively and he teaches, enlightens, and intrigues me. Our love isn’t wild and passionate, but it’s a fulfilling partnership for both of us. We’re happy.
I’m married to an Aspie, he does not show love of any sort, although on occasion during the first five years of marriage he pretended he did . He has no empathy for anyone and as soon as you get close to him he pushes you away. He’s cold, unemotional, and thinks that money is the only thing or his own obsessions. His Mother was also autistic and withheld her love, so if you have never been shown how will you ever learn? It matters not how much your mate tries to teach you about love, Aspies simply are not capable of the finer emotions that make living life bearable. Aspies are different and they are not like normal people. They often pretend to be like normal people, but its only an act. Aspies should only have relationships with other Aspies and stop making normal peoples lives hell.
People with Asperger can’t love?
That sounds highly bias to me. I’ve never heard such rubbish.
The little sister of my best friend who died to homicide is autistic, yet she loves like no other.
Now what would hinder love more effectively?
Aspergers or Autism?
I came to look at the picture, but I just had to add a comment about this ridiculous one-sided stereotypical uneducated blasphemous subject.
I forgot to state:
My father has Aspergers.
He shows love in a very disillusioned way, but everyone eventually understands that he loves like no other.
“Aspergers” is just another classification of a person with a troubled past.
I believe i have Aspergers then, too.
It isn’t they’re incapable of loving…
They just have such high and thick castle walls around their hearts.
Yes we are. At times I feel it so deeply that it overwhelms me. What do you say to the one you love when the language available offers you nothing that could express those feelings with the justice it so deserves. If those who doubt us could see inside us they would be astounded at the beauty we see that others can not yet comprehend.
Of course aspies can love. They just show it in a different way first of all, and they tend to love other things besides other humans. An aspie can love lets say ‘going to the beach’ just as much as loving another person, so really an aspies ability to love is more open and diverse than NT’s.
Yes, at least some Aspies can love another human being very deeply (personality differs in Aspies too). How do I know? Because I’ve been officially diagnosed with Aspergers. I was married to a man whom I now believe had Narcissistic personality Disorder, he cheated on me repeatedly, I loved him deeply and am still trying to mend a badly broken heart even though it’s been over 2yrs we’ve been apart, every time I see him (when he visits our kids) it hurts me to see him again, the pain is so deep this is undoubtedly the most traumatic thing I’ve ever been through, I can’t go back to him because he’s not truly sorry and I cannot bear him to break my heart again I don’t have the strength for that and he doesn’t love me anyway, he expects me to make him love me! When I was with him I did try very hard to show him love in many ways, but it was him that pushed me away because of misguided loyalty to his lover.
I remember a time before I met him I did question if I could really love someone, now I know that I can without a doubt, ‘though I kind’ve wish I couldn’t then I wouldn’t be hurting so much!
I’m an aspie… and I love it, but I don’t love that people think they know everything about us based on a diagnosis. A lot of us aspies are introverted and have trouble showing our emotions to those we do not know well.
I love my parents and my sisters with all my damn heart, I would sacrifice anything for them and i do thinks all the time to make them happy, and I tell them all the time that I love them and I hug them a lot too. I hate not being able to scocilase normally but with the support of my family I have over come allot of my problems and I go out of my comfort zone. At school I only had one friend and was harassed buy a guy who i eventually stood up to and he backed off. I really care about my bestie and I am really loyal to her because she is loyal to me.
I can love, I want to love. I’m a serious romantic at heart and it is unfair for people who aren’t an aspie to say we can’t love, that would be saying you can’t breath.
I have dreams and goals, and I plan so that they will come true, even though I have struggled and gone through hardship, I come out on top.
I found out that my shy friend is an aspie too and he is a quiet but super nice and good person.
Oh and Asperger’s is not a disorder, syndrome, disability. Our brain just works differently from average people.
I will put it this way, aspies are a minority and ‘normal’ people are the majority. If ‘normal’ people were the minority and aspies were the majority we would be diagnosing you.
We are people and we feel as much as everyone else, but were sensitive and deeply emotional, more then most people will ever understand.
People call me many different things, Quiet, shy, weird. I may be weird But I don’t go around bitching live the majority of teenage girls. I think being an aspie has made me a better person because I see things from a different perspective and I have the ability to see more then one perspective at a time and I try to understand what other people are feeling, and they sure as hell don’t even try to see what I am feeling.
This is all very interesting to me because I had a very different experience then what I am reading. I’m in my mid 40′s and a widow from a long marriage. Without realizing it I met and dated a late 40 year old HFA right out of the gate. He’s tall, handsome, bright and the most fun of any man I have ever experienced. A spontaneous man to the max. He was the most sexual and sensual man I have also ever experienced to the tune of hours on end (5 at least – seriously) every date.
I have never been with a man who enjoyed touching/kissing as much as him which made us unusually compatible and completely off the charts. He would fiercely hug me, wrapping himself around me like no man ever has. We would lay on his sofa face to face for hours and have the most amazing conversations. He was anything but rote or dull as I find NT men are. How’s that for a comment ; – )
I had no idea at the time he was HFA. He was sensitive to light, sound, and foods, all the signs were there. He would speak in half sentences only when he would talk to me in bed and when the words touched on his emotions. When I pointed this out to him he was proud of his delayed speech. I now suspect he was a math based “talented savant”. He expressed that he “loved his children” from his only marriage. He always put his children first which made me truly proud of him as a man.
In hindsight because I did not know he was HFA and because I had NT expectations, he bolted. He’s an extremely passionate person and he fully knows he is and he’s unable to deal with his intense emotions. I suspect he is probably high on feeling in his Meyers Briggs. I never read about this factor when i read about AS. He should have told me he was HFA – a woman (an NT) has a right to know these things.
I think it is true you cannot put AS people in the same box. I still struggle with having learned he (or AS people) do not feel empathy. It pains me that he now spends his life behind a computer on dating sites spinning in his head, trying to figure things out. Ok well I really am not sure but pretty sure. As Temple writes it also pains her to know so many AS people live their lives out behind a computer. She says in her interview on 60 minutes that with some kids she sneaks in their back door and others she grabs by the chin and pulls them out. But with an adult AS social code prevents this and so you can only feel sadness to know they live a life without physical touch, talking and always alone with a finger on a cold mouse.
I believe NT’s have a lot to learn about AS and there needs to be adult AS support system out there to helping HFA’s to grow and learn to deal/manage with their anxieties. Hopefully I’ve added something different to the conversation.
My Aspie man is the kindest, most loving, most honest man I have ever met. I’ve been dating him for 3 years now and he definitely knows how to love. He likes to cuddle and he’s always saying the sweetest things to me, telling me how beautiful I am and about all the different things he loves about me. We’re getting married next year and it’s going to be an interesting journey, but I’m ready for it as long as he is by my side.
My cousin is an aspie and is nearly 21. Never had a girlfriend, laments about never finding love, can’t bear to look at a girl, but seems to prefer them.
The comments about inner torture and lashing out are true for him too, he either tortures himself constantly with lack of optimism or lashes out at some rather minor provocations, once punching my younger sister when he was younger even though he is about 7 years older. Sometimes he seems very disinterested, playing video games when I want him to watch something I think he’d like yet, zeroing in on what he likes with a near obsession.
He’s a nice kid, talented at music and art yet tortured about the identity of his father whom he’s never known, and as an NT 16 year old girl sometimes his emotional baggage and behavior annoys me, I’m ashamed to admit. He craves love, and I have a feeling if he were to find a girl he’d nearly smother her than ignore her knowing him. I really hope he finds that girl who will unconditionally love him. He’s expressed suicidal thoughts before, and I worry, if he sees his contemporaries or myself getting married or having kids, would he take his life in despair? I nearly always worry about my cousin’s future. And yes, I believe he’s capable of love, my worry is if he’ll ever find it.
I believe that an Aspie and a N/T can never have a fufilling relationship together. If it seems on the outside that they do, then the N/T is sacrificing themselves, and all that they are, to accommodate the other.. I have been in a relationship with my Aspie Partner for 17 years.. I am now 59 trs old, and he is 47 I am sick of conforming and fitting around his bizzare behaviour.. Am i wrong to want more from life? He needs me as a mother figure, a nurturer, to steady his way around i guess …Cant do it …I want something for me.. I have always suffered from ‘Lame Duck Syndrome’ Not strong enough, anymore ….
This phrase “I am sick of conforming and fighting around his bizarre behavior” really struck me. Because I was there. Now I am in this site because I believe the guy I like has “something” which I am reasearcing as I don’t know if it is introversion or he is an ASPIE. How could I know the difference?
Hi there,
I was married to an ‘Aspie’ but did not know this at the time. I felt like I was married to a stranger. When I would encourag him to tell me more about his thoughts, feelings, he replied that his thoughts were none of my business.
We went to see a marriage therapist for two years. She was also unaware of Aspergers. In the end my husband no longer wanted to go. He said he was sick of having to be this good little boy all the time (having to work on communicating more successfully) and always being in the hot seat for not following through. I was so happy when he would try and he saw that, but then after a week or so he couldn’t be bothered.
I was never mean or demeaning to him, I loved him but in the end his paranoia convinced him I was this adversary who could not be trusted. He was devoid of empathy, compassion, could not see how much I cared, remember how supportive, loving I’d been through the years, see my distress. With no ability to put himself in my shoes, see how trustworthy I was or feel empathy, his anxiety led him to believe I had this hidden agenda to change him into someone I could control.
He asked for a divorce a few months later. He looked at me triumphantly like ‘Ha ha! I’ve won!’ We had been married for 12 years, we had a son, we were a family. I was devastated.
That was 15 years ago. All through the years he has never stopped running me down to my son and to others. He talks about me like I am crazy.
He told my son recently on two occasions, that despite my ‘mental problems’, I was the most caring, compassionate person he has ever met in his life. My son thinks he has many regrets but he needs to continually insist to himself and to others that I am mentally disturbed, to keep his denial intact.
My son loves him, but hates him at the same time for never showing love, delight in him, or giving praise.
Instead he criticized our son, would get angry at him for not liking the same things he liked. Our son is gifted with technology, but he has never valued this and has made our son feel like he is is unacceptable the way he is. Our son has suffered greatly from this emotional abuse.
My son has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers, he feels without a doubt that his father has it also. Knowing his father has Aspergers and is totally unaware of the damage he has done to him emotionally does little to ease the pain.
I have visited my son at his work and it really is incredible what he has accomplished! His boss, his colleagues respect and value everything he has done. They feel lucky to have him and have told me this whenever I see them. My son took his father to his work recently, to show him all he’d accomplished. He thought if his dad could see first hand all he’d done, he might finally understand how valuable his gifts were. He so wanted his dad to be proud of him. He told me his dad looked bored and kept asking when they were going to leave to get lunch. It broke my son’s heart.
Unfortunately I have always been the target of my son’s meltdowns and anger towards his dad. You cannot imagine how awful this has been. The worst is the paranoia. He also will misinterpret my words because he cannot read my face, put himself in my shoes or understand my feelings. Paranoia takes over, reality is gone and I am now this awful person who is capable of destroying his life and he feels his anger is justified. He does not see me as I truly am anymore and is convinced I am someone he cannot trust or respect.
Can someone with Aspergers love another? I know my son loves me without a doubt but he is now sick of the anger I ’cause’ him and feels I do not deserve to have knowledge of his life. He now tells me that his dad has said such negative things about me all his life, that it’s hard not to believe him. This has caused me such heartbreak I have had to end contact.
I am now seeing a therapist who’s specialty is Aspergers. She is so supportive. It breaks my heart how Aspergers can destroy relationships.
yes we love , but I think aspie love has its roots in our frontal lobes, as opposed to NT love having its roots in the limbic lobes. As a result , I think our aspie love is a much more refined love. A good analogy is that as NT love is to simple beat rock and roll music , Aspie love is to one of JS Bachs most beautiful/complex works.
As an aspie married to an NT female for 17 years, I can say that aspie love is much more complex and layered than NT love . So while both NT and Aspie love are each beautiful in their own way , they are very different at their core. just my thoughts–jb
IF there is a weakness in NT love it is that they rely way too much on the emotional component and the other unsavory emotions that find themself in the limbic lobe. Patience is needed by both partners. As an aspie ,we too have problems understanding/coping with NT obsessions with jealosy, greed, possesivness,envy..vengence…etc ..I could go on but I wont… So you see no-body’s skirt is clean on strange/obsessive behaviors. not aspie and certainly not neurotypicals. It is notable, that many of us aspies also view NTs as quite childlike in their behaviors and many of us feel a responsibility to gently guide the NTs in to a more evolved/gentle outlook on the world. The doors of faults does swing both ways for aspies and nts.
But we are all on this planet together and as a result we will interact with each other in many different situations including intimate/dating/marriage……so, it behooves us all, Aspergers and Neurotypicals to make great and sensitive /gentle efforts to gain a better understanding of how each of us view the world, emotionally and otherwise.
My NT wife has a beautifully gentle way of approaching my odd behaviors that makes both of us laugh and subsequently see each others perceived oddities with a much lighter mood. This helps alot.
( a note to all the aspies we have to remind our spouses that we love them frequently(I do it daily) or they will start to feel bad. just make it part of the ” I am married” protocol. Also buy them flowers sometimes for no reason and put “i love you” on the card . I am telling my fellow aspies this because I care. and i know many of us dont know to do this ( I didnt until my sister told me). )
we aspies know great things , but we fail on the little things.
just my thoughts–jb
I have asperger’s and i can love.I sometime’s i have trouble saying i love you, but it doesn’t mean i don’t.I had trouble Growing up, learning what it was like to love, and yeah, i faked it at times.But i was trying to fit in, to be normal.For those of you who say it’s a living hell, it’s very hard for us too.I sit around on Valentines day trying to figure out what everyone was doing and why their doing it.I believe we can love though.
It all depends on your belief system, some people don’t believe in disease, possible the disease is what makes one person different from the next, and so that no two persons will ever be the same new disease must be thought up by the gods. And love is just the connection we all share, so Yes anyone can love regardless of their differences which some may consider imperfections, just remember are imperfections are what make us beautiful so don’t let someone conform you and steal your independence.
I don’t know anymore, to be honest. My Aspie seems to love me and he does many little (and big) things for me, which make him happy because he is making me happy. However, the emotional aspect of our relationship is heavily wanting. He is very Jekyll and Hyde. One moment he can be the most caring, sweetest, loving man on earth and then suddenly he is hard-hearted, mean, nasty, verbally abusive, and doesn’t seem to love, want, need, or care for me. It is a large, looping roller-coaster of four years and my health (mental and physical) have both suffered for it. I love him very deeply and I’m a mothering type of person *sometimes* so it sometimes works out. I guess, in my experience, an Aspie can love (to what degree or if it’s real or learned from tv or something, I have no answer) but have difficulty expressing it consistently.
interesting world —-I view most NTs as somthing like a bipolars with wild swings in emotions, and I wish they could all be like me . And I imagine many NTs see aspies like DATA –an android incabable of a loving state of mind. By some miracle a few of us find true love and somehow see past eachother issues….
having said that , i do love (aspie type) my wife dearly.
I am sure my wife overlooks alot… I have to admit, I am alot like Mr. DATA tring to figure out love. I am much more comfortable figuring out how to make a brain regenerate new neurons after a stroke than tring to understand love from an NT standpoint
I have had a relationship with an Aspie for over a decade. I have tried really hard to communicate and adjust my expectations and try to get some compromise from him on little things. He won’t budge.
I am tired of hearing from NT’s how they must accomodate their Aspie partners and from Aspies their excuses. What about our needs? Why do NT’s suddenly have to abandon any chance of happiness for a relationship that is fatally flawed from the start?
Yes, some Aspies are much better than others, but most are difficult to say the least. Eccentric or quirky is fine, unfeeling and selfish is not.
If Aspies cannot fit into normal marriages or friendships with NTs, maybe they ought to seek out their own kind but sadly, they hardly ever do! Most Aspie men choose highly emotive women and then wonder why their insensitivity, stinginess, lack of empathy, sexual inadequacies and more irritate them.
Although I know my partner loves me I have made the painful decision to be alone rather than be in an inadequate relationship where I must rely on others for emotional support and love. There were so many turning points, like when my dad died or when I got sick or when I lost my job that I got zero support from him. The other fallacy NTs need to face is that Aspies don’t lie or don’t cheat. Like Nt’s they come in all colours and mine also cheats compulsively. His explanation “it’s extremely complicated” just didn’t cut it with me.
In the end, it was not Aspbergers but selfishness that made me leave. I was disgusted with our sex life as he made love like a robot and wanted sex compulsively even though he could never get an erection and would not discuss it. I never felt loved or special. He looked like he was fixing the engine to his car!
I do feel sort of sorry for him but not much because he is happy with his life and my leaving it hardly made a dent in my opinion. Despite the occasional bout of romantic rhetoric (which I suspect he learnt from romantic movies he watches on DVD when alone in the house) he was never there for me once when I really needed him. Yes, he has many, many redeeming features but I would rather be alone the rest of my life than continue to be disappointed, disgusted and fed-up. I don’t believe Aspies are evolutionarily advanced, quite the opposite, I see it as a mental illness/disability for which there is no cure and which makes the family and friends suffer more than the patient. I feel sympathy for anyone with mental illness or disability but I would not chose another Aspie just as I would not choose a schizophrenic or someone who is a depressive or psychopath or has problems with compulsions or obsessions. There are better things to do in life than let someone hurt and disappoint you over and over again for years! Wake up to yourselves, if you’re not happy today- it ain’t gettin’ any better any time soon!
Hi Imleavinghometoday, what you have typed has shown a total lack of empathy to those with aspergers, the emotion you claim we seem to lack.
It also shows a high degree of hate towards us. People with aspergers are just as worthy and capable of giving and accepting love as ‘normal’ people.
I know that we have bad body language and are not good at giving and receiving normal social ques but we are really sensitive, loving and emotional people. I don’t know if you realise it, or maybe you don’t care but what you said is really hurtful and offensive. read bellow and think how ths would make you feel if someone said that to you;
“I don’t believe Aspies are evolutionarily advanced, quite the opposite, I see it as a mental illness/disability for which there is no cure and which makes the family and friends suffer more than the patient. I feel sympathy for anyone with mental illness or disability but I would not chose another Aspie just as I would not choose a schizophrenic or someone who is a depressive or psychopath or has problems with compulsions or obsessions. ”
The truth is that people with aspergers are highly intelligent and most suffer from depression because of the bullying and isolation they suffered during there childhood, and teen years.
Imagine what it would be like to be harassed or ignored, to never be fully accepted by your peers… It hurts, and it cuts into our very beings.
This leaves a lot of us scared to show how we feel because fear of rejection, which regularly occurs for us because most ‘normal’ people think were to weird and don’t even give us a chance to be accepted.
Quite a lot of people feel shame to have asperger’s although their is nothing wrong with it.
All we want is to be able to socialise normally and to make friend, we often crave companionship and attention because we are very affectionate people.
I have aspergers and I can love and I am worthy of love, true love is when you accept people for who they are and don’t try to change them, only try to help them.
Go ahead and think that Aspergers is a mental illness, however that is just judgmental and uneducated.
You talk about love and empathy but you don’t seem to be showing those qualities.
People with aspergers have different personalities to and not all cheat or lie, just like some normal people cheat or lie.
Don’t judge us based on your bad expirience and please quit spreading the hate. If you feel that way let you negative attitude eat away at your own soul, don’t subject us to that, we already have to much to deal with.
I view Aspergers as a positive thing, its an advantage…I wouldn’t be who I am without it and that is a nice, honest, caring girl… I might have ended up like one of those teenagers that muck up and treat what they have with disrespect, the kid’s you consider normal.
Vee rocks!
I coudnt agree more.
I am thoroughly, ridiculously, eternally in love with my aspie man. I understand the ways he says that he loves me back are different, but there is NO doubt that he loves me. Every day he tries to understand how I think and move through the world and tries with all his heart to express himself in ways that make sure I understand this love. His main concern in life is keeping me safe, and I’ve never met a kinder soul. No doubt, apsies can love, and be loved.
My father was an aspie and so was his father. I have 2 brothers that are aspie . we all have IQs well over 150. If the good Lord is half as gentle and kind and accepting as my father was, then God is a pretty nice guy. Aspies can love and I do think our love is a better love than NT love. there are dysfunctional people /personalities in aspie world just as in Nt world. Dont blame that on aspergers. But all else being equal; I would take aspie love over Nt love as apsie love is a much more unconditional love, in my opinion. It is much more pure love. As for the people who really dispise aspies….hey if I could , I would make everyone on earth an aspie like myself because I think our prefrontal lobes are more developed than NTs ……thats not bad , but it is different. Soon enough the ratio of ASD folks to NT will be 1:2,or1;3 or 2;3, or …………….. 1:1 then what? ………………. will we mix? ………….will we separate?
Love is Love and when it is there things work out ……Neurotypicals can love just as fully as aspies can love just as fully as a cat can love just as fully as a dog can love another human…….. pure love is pure love and nothing is more beautiful. Nothing is more selfless.
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