Comments on: Aspergers and Wedding Planning http://www.aspieweb.net/aspergers-and-wedding-planning/ The Aspergers And Autism Web Thu, 09 Feb 2012 03:08:59 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: a guy with AS http://www.aspieweb.net/aspergers-and-wedding-planning/#comment-17459 a guy with AS Sat, 03 Sep 2011 13:25:10 +0000 http://www.aspieweb.net/?p=508#comment-17459 I am a guy with AS and today is my wedding. This is turning out to be one of the worst days of my life. She understands and is doing her best but I don't want to go. I certainly want to be her husband, but I don't want all those people looking at me. I have been crying all morning, I am 40 years old. I spent the better part of our rehearsal dinner crying alone in the bathroom. This is unbearable. I actually thought about running my car into a pole so I wouldn't have to go. Maybe a small heart attack would be ok too. This morning she called the wedding planner and suggested that we do our vows privately in a separate room. Turns out the wedding planner has family with autism and AS and she completely understood. This helps but its still not enough. I feel so guilty about ruining my fiancés dream wedding but I have been telling her from day one that this was going to be a problem, and clearly it most certainly is. We went to a shrink to talk about it and he told me to "slay the dragon"... It was only this morning that I realized the dragon is me and I've been waving my sword at thin air. There is nothing to slay, nothing I can change, it's inside of me and I can't fix it because its not broken. This sucks. I am a guy with AS and today is my wedding. This is turning out to be one of the worst days of my life. She understands and is doing her best but I don’t want to go. I certainly want to be her husband, but I don’t want all those people looking at me. I have been crying all morning, I am 40 years old. I spent the better part of our rehearsal dinner crying alone in the bathroom. This is unbearable. I actually thought about running my car into a pole so I wouldn’t have to go. Maybe a small heart attack would be ok too. This morning she called the wedding planner and suggested that we do our vows privately in a separate room. Turns out the wedding planner has family with autism and AS and she completely understood. This helps but its still not enough. I feel so guilty about ruining my fiancés dream wedding but I have been telling her from day one that this was going to be a problem, and clearly it most certainly is. We went to a shrink to talk about it and he told me to “slay the dragon”… It was only this morning that I realized the dragon is me and I’ve been waving my sword at thin air. There is nothing to slay, nothing I can change, it’s inside of me and I can’t fix it because its not broken.

This sucks.

]]> By: Kate http://www.aspieweb.net/aspergers-and-wedding-planning/#comment-14787 Kate Mon, 05 Apr 2010 14:18:39 +0000 http://www.aspieweb.net/?p=508#comment-14787 Hey Zach - so, first, I'd like to say that my fiance isn't a diagnosed AS. I can tell you, though, that he dealt with a (diagnosed) case of selective mutism as a child and there are several ways in which that has manifested itself in AS-like behaviors, now, as an adult. So that's why I'm here asking for help from the community. And yes, we've talked about it - and no, he doesn't want a diagnosis or treatment. Basically, he's fine the way he is. (That part we agree on! :-)) However, we just got engaged. Suddenly, as an NT bride, I couldn't feel more alone in the world. My fiance says he can't tell his friends and family because it would bring personal and immediate attention to him. He can't deal with that. He's also said he doesn't think he'll be able to do a ceremony at our wedding. Again, because he'll feel so horribly uncomfortable with so many people viewing such a private moment for him. I guess I'd like to know if anyone out there dealt with these kinds of issues while planning their nuptials. Did anyone think of creative ways to break the engagement news to avoid "the spotlight"? Did anyone else change up wedding traditions in favor of making sure you or your AS partner was comfortable? And did anyone else struggle with NO ONE understanding why we would make these "odd" decisions, because your friends and family simply don't understand that my fiance's "preferences" aren't superficial, but truly are deeply-held psychological aversions? Everyone should know that I'll bend over backwards and then some to ensure that he's comfortable on **his** wedding day, so seemingly untraditional ideas are very, very welcome. As you can imagine, my fiance will discuss it enough to explain to me what he can and cannot do, but he doesn't want to hash it out in this detail or pour over ideas. The entire planning process is VERY foreign to him (though of course he's been to weddings) and everything that I explain is "usually in a wedding" just DOES NOT make sense to him and his brain. For a person who operates on facts and hard logic, these social cues and sudden societal expectations are of absolutely no interest to him. Alright - any advice or ideas out there? (I'm also open to criticism - I've clearly never before planned a wedding with a presumed Aspie, so I don't assume I'm doing this all correctly. Even for a minute! :-) Hey Zach – so, first, I’d like to say that my fiance isn’t a diagnosed AS. I can tell you, though, that he dealt with a (diagnosed) case of selective mutism as a child and there are several ways in which that has manifested itself in AS-like behaviors, now, as an adult. So that’s why I’m here asking for help from the community. And yes, we’ve talked about it – and no, he doesn’t want a diagnosis or treatment. Basically, he’s fine the way he is. (That part we agree on! :-) )

However, we just got engaged. Suddenly, as an NT bride, I couldn’t feel more alone in the world. My fiance says he can’t tell his friends and family because it would bring personal and immediate attention to him. He can’t deal with that. He’s also said he doesn’t think he’ll be able to do a ceremony at our wedding. Again, because he’ll feel so horribly uncomfortable with so many people viewing such a private moment for him.

I guess I’d like to know if anyone out there dealt with these kinds of issues while planning their nuptials. Did anyone think of creative ways to break the engagement news to avoid “the spotlight”? Did anyone else change up wedding traditions in favor of making sure you or your AS partner was comfortable? And did anyone else struggle with NO ONE understanding why we would make these “odd” decisions, because your friends and family simply don’t understand that my fiance’s “preferences” aren’t superficial, but truly are deeply-held psychological aversions?

Everyone should know that I’ll bend over backwards and then some to ensure that he’s comfortable on **his** wedding day, so seemingly untraditional ideas are very, very welcome. As you can imagine, my fiance will discuss it enough to explain to me what he can and cannot do, but he doesn’t want to hash it out in this detail or pour over ideas. The entire planning process is VERY foreign to him (though of course he’s been to weddings) and everything that I explain is “usually in a wedding” just DOES NOT make sense to him and his brain. For a person who operates on facts and hard logic, these social cues and sudden societal expectations are of absolutely no interest to him.

Alright – any advice or ideas out there? (I’m also open to criticism – I’ve clearly never before planned a wedding with a presumed Aspie, so I don’t assume I’m doing this all correctly. Even for a minute! :-)

]]> By: Zach http://www.aspieweb.net/aspergers-and-wedding-planning/#comment-14786 Zach Mon, 05 Apr 2010 10:57:22 +0000 http://www.aspieweb.net/?p=508#comment-14786 What do you need advise with? What do you need advise with?

]]> By: Kate http://www.aspieweb.net/aspergers-and-wedding-planning/#comment-14784 Kate Mon, 05 Apr 2010 03:59:36 +0000 http://www.aspieweb.net/?p=508#comment-14784 I know it's been a while since this thread was picked up, but I really would love advice. Are either of you still on the boards, here? I know it’s been a while since this thread was picked up, but I really would love advice. Are either of you still on the boards, here?

]]> By: Sadderbutwisergirl http://www.aspieweb.net/aspergers-and-wedding-planning/#comment-9659 Sadderbutwisergirl Sun, 05 Apr 2009 05:50:09 +0000 http://www.aspieweb.net/?p=508#comment-9659 I just looked at Fleecy's response and I thought that maybe you could have people bring something like picnic lunches for their tables at your wedding. I just looked at Fleecy’s response and I thought that maybe you could have people bring something like picnic lunches for their tables at your wedding.

]]> By: Marcia http://www.aspieweb.net/aspergers-and-wedding-planning/#comment-9310 Marcia Tue, 17 Mar 2009 20:28:49 +0000 http://www.aspieweb.net/?p=508#comment-9310 I'm going through a similar situation right now (I have aspergers). While my fiance is more than patient with me, planning our wedding is very difficult. Unlike most women I know, I've never once dreamed of my perfect wedding day. I would be perfectly happy to elope (if it means I don't have to be in the spotlight). Meanwhile my fiance is extremely traditional when it comes to a wedding. He wants all the trimmings, and his idea of a "small" wedding is 150 people. My family is small and unsupportive of me, and I have very few close friends. My fiance has divorced and remarried parents, several aunts and uncles, each with several kids and grandkids, an extensive network of friends... You get the point. And according to him each one will be offended if they aren't invited. I've tried many times to explain how uncomfortable I am with the idea of such a big wedding, to the point that it affects my performance at work, but he just won't budge. I've even tried suggesting smaller, more intimate wedding ideas (few enough guests so I *might* be comfortable, but enough tradition so he doesn't feel left out) that we can actually afford, but the answer is always no. Help! I'll take all the advice I can get. I'm tired of losing sleep over this. I’m going through a similar situation right now (I have aspergers). While my fiance is more than patient with me, planning our wedding is very difficult. Unlike most women I know, I’ve never once dreamed of my perfect wedding day. I would be perfectly happy to elope (if it means I don’t have to be in the spotlight). Meanwhile my fiance is extremely traditional when it comes to a wedding. He wants all the trimmings, and his idea of a “small” wedding is 150 people.

My family is small and unsupportive of me, and I have very few close friends. My fiance has divorced and remarried parents, several aunts and uncles, each with several kids and grandkids, an extensive network of friends… You get the point. And according to him each one will be offended if they aren’t invited.

I’ve tried many times to explain how uncomfortable I am with the idea of such a big wedding, to the point that it affects my performance at work, but he just won’t budge. I’ve even tried suggesting smaller, more intimate wedding ideas (few enough guests so I *might* be comfortable, but enough tradition so he doesn’t feel left out) that we can actually afford, but the answer is always no.

Help! I’ll take all the advice I can get. I’m tired of losing sleep over this.

]]> By: Fleecy http://www.aspieweb.net/aspergers-and-wedding-planning/#comment-9098 Fleecy Thu, 05 Mar 2009 12:00:23 +0000 http://www.aspieweb.net/?p=508#comment-9098 I have some thoughts about this, but considering that 1. I'm not familiar with you or your fiance, and 2. I have what might be very unconventional thoughts on this subject, I'd advise against taking any of what I say as a "you should do this." Purely stuff to think about, if that. Woah-woah-woah. "its what girls dream of from a child"? I'm assuming you've actually had confirmation from your fiance that she explicitly wants the big fancy wedding. At least, I really hope you have. It's a huge stereotype that every person with female parts has a major life goal of big fancy wedding. Women are subject to social pressures and those "have tos" that you don't really have to, too, though, so if you haven't talked to her about that... maybe you should. The wedding should be about you and your future spouse, not about throwing a big party for everyone else. My biggest question is why do you have to provide everyone with food? Anyone who is emotionally invested in seeing the wedding shouldn't grouse too much about having to provide their own lunch, and anyone who doesn't come because there's no free food... would be... people who were only coming for free food :) People should be able to understand you are strapped for cash, and have to compromise on some things. Like maybe foregoing the buying 100 people food, to be able to afford a good photographer. Money is tight for a lot of people right now, so if anyone asks why you are cutting some traditional items you can cite the economy or something. The closest I'd come to actual advice is to say if you haven't already, talk to your fiance about what <i>you both want</i> out of the wedding, and quit worrying so much about making guests happy. If they're not happy just to see you guys' big happy day, why are they even there (free food? ;))? Sorry, trying to inject some humor into a tough situation. Jokes are my big coping mechanism with hard things... Anyway, I wish you guys luck and hope it turns out well :) I have some thoughts about this, but considering that 1. I’m not familiar with you or your fiance, and 2. I have what might be very unconventional thoughts on this subject, I’d advise against taking any of what I say as a “you should do this.” Purely stuff to think about, if that.

Woah-woah-woah. “its what girls dream of from a child”? I’m assuming you’ve actually had confirmation from your fiance that she explicitly wants the big fancy wedding. At least, I really hope you have. It’s a huge stereotype that every person with female parts has a major life goal of big fancy wedding. Women are subject to social pressures and those “have tos” that you don’t really have to, too, though, so if you haven’t talked to her about that… maybe you should. The wedding should be about you and your future spouse, not about throwing a big party for everyone else.

My biggest question is why do you have to provide everyone with food? Anyone who is emotionally invested in seeing the wedding shouldn’t grouse too much about having to provide their own lunch, and anyone who doesn’t come because there’s no free food… would be… people who were only coming for free food :)

People should be able to understand you are strapped for cash, and have to compromise on some things. Like maybe foregoing the buying 100 people food, to be able to afford a good photographer. Money is tight for a lot of people right now, so if anyone asks why you are cutting some traditional items you can cite the economy or something.

The closest I’d come to actual advice is to say if you haven’t already, talk to your fiance about what you both want out of the wedding, and quit worrying so much about making guests happy. If they’re not happy just to see you guys’ big happy day, why are they even there (free food? ;) )?

Sorry, trying to inject some humor into a tough situation. Jokes are my big coping mechanism with hard things… Anyway, I wish you guys luck and hope it turns out well :)

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