So as you know I’m engaged…. but I’m getting overwhelmed when it comes to the wedding planning, and the possibility of what may be our wedding.I’m having trouble coping with the planning, and the size of what at first was going to be a small wedding. From picking a menu, to picking food, to finding a photographer, to everything else…. and then there is the guest list.
The Guest List
So I’m learning that just one side of my close family is 25 people…. then you have to invite there significant others or “a guest”. Looking at what we wanted to be a small amount of people originally may end up going over 100 people if we include both of our friends and family. Needless to say I’m getting very overwhelmed. Several times Kate and I have thought about doing the courthouse style wedding, but I know the wedding is very important to her – its what girls dream of from a child.
The Food
Ok…. I like cooking but I’m not cooking for a lot of people on my wedding day. Food for people is going to be more expensive the renting the church. And then you have to pick menus, but also worry about those who have special dietary concerns.
The Photography
Ok… I want a professional photographer.. I want someone whos good. I want pictures of this day to last a lifetime. Then I throwup when I see the cost.
OVERWHELMED
I love Kate and I want to marry her, but this wedding is getting to be a lot. What should I do?
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I know it’s been a while since this thread was picked up, but I really would love advice. Are either of you still on the boards, here?
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What do you need advise with?
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Hey Zach – so, first, I’d like to say that my fiance isn’t a diagnosed AS. I can tell you, though, that he dealt with a (diagnosed) case of selective mutism as a child and there are several ways in which that has manifested itself in AS-like behaviors, now, as an adult. So that’s why I’m here asking for help from the community. And yes, we’ve talked about it – and no, he doesn’t want a diagnosis or treatment. Basically, he’s fine the way he is. (That part we agree on!
)
However, we just got engaged. Suddenly, as an NT bride, I couldn’t feel more alone in the world. My fiance says he can’t tell his friends and family because it would bring personal and immediate attention to him. He can’t deal with that. He’s also said he doesn’t think he’ll be able to do a ceremony at our wedding. Again, because he’ll feel so horribly uncomfortable with so many people viewing such a private moment for him.
I guess I’d like to know if anyone out there dealt with these kinds of issues while planning their nuptials. Did anyone think of creative ways to break the engagement news to avoid “the spotlight”? Did anyone else change up wedding traditions in favor of making sure you or your AS partner was comfortable? And did anyone else struggle with NO ONE understanding why we would make these “odd” decisions, because your friends and family simply don’t understand that my fiance’s “preferences” aren’t superficial, but truly are deeply-held psychological aversions?
Everyone should know that I’ll bend over backwards and then some to ensure that he’s comfortable on **his** wedding day, so seemingly untraditional ideas are very, very welcome. As you can imagine, my fiance will discuss it enough to explain to me what he can and cannot do, but he doesn’t want to hash it out in this detail or pour over ideas. The entire planning process is VERY foreign to him (though of course he’s been to weddings) and everything that I explain is “usually in a wedding” just DOES NOT make sense to him and his brain. For a person who operates on facts and hard logic, these social cues and sudden societal expectations are of absolutely no interest to him.
Alright – any advice or ideas out there? (I’m also open to criticism – I’ve clearly never before planned a wedding with a presumed Aspie, so I don’t assume I’m doing this all correctly. Even for a minute!
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I just looked at Fleecy’s response and I thought that maybe you could have people bring something like picnic lunches for their tables at your wedding.
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I’m going through a similar situation right now (I have aspergers). While my fiance is more than patient with me, planning our wedding is very difficult. Unlike most women I know, I’ve never once dreamed of my perfect wedding day. I would be perfectly happy to elope (if it means I don’t have to be in the spotlight). Meanwhile my fiance is extremely traditional when it comes to a wedding. He wants all the trimmings, and his idea of a “small” wedding is 150 people.
My family is small and unsupportive of me, and I have very few close friends. My fiance has divorced and remarried parents, several aunts and uncles, each with several kids and grandkids, an extensive network of friends… You get the point. And according to him each one will be offended if they aren’t invited.
I’ve tried many times to explain how uncomfortable I am with the idea of such a big wedding, to the point that it affects my performance at work, but he just won’t budge. I’ve even tried suggesting smaller, more intimate wedding ideas (few enough guests so I *might* be comfortable, but enough tradition so he doesn’t feel left out) that we can actually afford, but the answer is always no.
Help! I’ll take all the advice I can get. I’m tired of losing sleep over this.
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I have some thoughts about this, but considering that 1. I’m not familiar with you or your fiance, and 2. I have what might be very unconventional thoughts on this subject, I’d advise against taking any of what I say as a “you should do this.” Purely stuff to think about, if that.
Woah-woah-woah. “its what girls dream of from a child”? I’m assuming you’ve actually had confirmation from your fiance that she explicitly wants the big fancy wedding. At least, I really hope you have. It’s a huge stereotype that every person with female parts has a major life goal of big fancy wedding. Women are subject to social pressures and those “have tos” that you don’t really have to, too, though, so if you haven’t talked to her about that… maybe you should. The wedding should be about you and your future spouse, not about throwing a big party for everyone else.
My biggest question is why do you have to provide everyone with food? Anyone who is emotionally invested in seeing the wedding shouldn’t grouse too much about having to provide their own lunch, and anyone who doesn’t come because there’s no free food… would be… people who were only coming for free food
People should be able to understand you are strapped for cash, and have to compromise on some things. Like maybe foregoing the buying 100 people food, to be able to afford a good photographer. Money is tight for a lot of people right now, so if anyone asks why you are cutting some traditional items you can cite the economy or something.
The closest I’d come to actual advice is to say if you haven’t already, talk to your fiance about what you both want out of the wedding, and quit worrying so much about making guests happy. If they’re not happy just to see you guys’ big happy day, why are they even there (free food?
)?
Sorry, trying to inject some humor into a tough situation. Jokes are my big coping mechanism with hard things… Anyway, I wish you guys luck and hope it turns out well
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