Since I took over this website (about two months ago), I have received around a dozen emails from people who don’t have Asperger’s, but either [a] ARE in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s, or [b] WERE in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s. The majority of the emails are actually quite long and drawn out, as the writers lamented the various issues they had or were still having with their relationship.
Frankly, I usually don’t feel qualified to give relationship advice, despite the fact that I am in a long term relationship myself. So what I thought I could do is post some of the recurring themes from these emails, and hopefully some Aspies who are a little more comfortable giving relationship advice could chime in with their own thoughts. Basically, many of the writers want to know if the quirky behavior exhibited by their current or former partner is related to that person having Asperger’s. I’ll start with just a couple to see if you guys are interested in helping out. So, here goes:
1. I don’t have Asperger’s, but I am in a relationship with someone who does. Aspie in the relationship will not acknowledge me in front of her friends, however privately says things like she wants to move in with me. When her friends show up she ignores me or asks me to leave.
Question: Is this related to Asperger’s or not? Any solutions?
2. A few of the emails I received were regarding what could be described as anger issues. Are Aspies more prone to be angry? Is it a misconception and the anger issues described to me which are obviously present are not indeed related to the person having Asperger’s?
The thing that really stood out for me in these emails is that NTs involved with those with Autism or Asperger’s really want to UNDERSTAND what actions or behaviors of their partner are related to Asperger’s and which aren’t. They also want advice and tips on how to have a harmonious relationship with an Aspie.
Also of note, I have received quite a few emails from male Aspies lamenting their sex lives and/or their inability to find a sexual partner. They are wanting to find a mate, but may not have the social circle that makes it easy to find someone. I would, I guess, suggest Internet dating sites as everyone there is looking to meet someone. Are there any Aspie specific dating sites out there? If not, maybe there should be.
Another note of interest is that one of the more popular posts on this blog is Aspies Can’t Love, where quite a few readers have shared their opinions on Aspie relationships, so obviously this is a topic that people are wanting to understand more about.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
It is very, very hard to be an Aspie in a relationship with an NT so I would guess it is very, very hard to be an NT in a relationship with an Aspie.
I have known my husband for three years, married for one. However, he has yet to see me in a full blown meltdown.
I just talked very openly and frankly on my blog. Sometimes he reads it. Now I am afraid that he will read it and think badly of me or think I am crazy.
I am always afraid that he will just get tired of dealing with me and leave.
But as an Aspie, I took classes in college on psychology, sociology and philosophy in order to better understand humans. There are colleges that offer courses (often those night classes where you don’t have to enroll in the whole college to attend) on Autism and Asperger’s.
I am working on several things now, one in particular is an activity for groups where people can get an idea of what it is like to be an Aspie (the social aspect since that seems to be the most frustrating and detrimental). I think that if maybe more NTs understand what it is like from our side, they can cope better with us.
I may be all wrong, but I hope not.
I don’t have Asperger’s, but I am in a relationship with someone who does. Aspie in the relationship will not acknowledge me in front of her friends, however privately says things like she wants to move in with me. When her friends show up she ignores me or asks me to leave.
Question: Is this related to Asperger’s or not? Any solutions?
Answer: Much like an NT, I think that depends upon the Aspie. They may not feel the need to acknowledge you to their friends, because logicly, you are standing right there and can do it yourself. An aspie may not be deliberately ignoring you when friends are around. We can easily get caught up in conversations with friends, particularly when it is one of our areas of interest. Sometimes, if I think my significant other, who is an aspie just like me, isn’t going to be interested in said discussion, I might ask them to leave. It is easy to misinterpret an aspies intentions. My solution would be to talk and ask about these things in a calm, unemotional manner with your aspie significant other.
A few of the emails I received were regarding what could be described as anger issues. Are Aspies more prone to be angry? Is it a misconception and the anger issues described to me which are obviously present are not indeed related to the person having Asperger’s?
Answer: Meltdowns are not really the same thing as anger. I do not feel that I am anymore prone to anger than your NT. However, when pushed passed the point of reason, a meltdown can be alot more violent than when an NT blows up. My meltdowns are extremely violent, more so I think because they are so rare, and tie in with my PTSD. So more prone to anger, no. More likely to act out in extremes when past the breaking point, from what I have seen, yes. This is why it is so important to learn your significant other’s triggers, in order to help them to destress before it gets to that point. This is something you need to discuss, once again calmly with them. Ask about their triggers and this will help reduce such instances.
I found my siginificant other through my line of work as an self advocate. I created an advocacy group for young adult aspies and their parents, and I met him through there. Looking to social groups is always a good idea.
One reason that your gf may not introduce you to her friends or “acknowledge” you (not sure exactly what you mean) is because many Aspies have trouble realizing or understanding that what they know is not common knowledge.
In other words, in her mind, if she knows you and knows who you are, so do they.
As an Aspie, I have this problem, especially when I am talking about computers. People are always saying, “Whoa, you are way over my head.” (I’m not really over their head, but I realize that they are saying I am talking about things that they don’t understand).
I actually had a great communications coach who taught me that it is a rule (rules are important to Aspies) to introduce the person you are with to everyone when you are in a group. He taught me exactly how to do it correctly and now I do it very well.
Maybe she just needs the rule in place.
I don’t have a diagnosis of AS but I think I have at least some traits of the condition, notably personal interests that keep me from pursuing a more active social life. When I was at school I experienced a fair degree of bullying in all forms, was labelled a geek, nerd, dork, maphead (I love maps!) and others. It was hard to take as a kid but now, in my late thirties, I’ve come to accept these labels as part of who I am. I’ve run the gauntlet of psychologists, and the last one said “No, you don’t have it” without understanding any of my habits, interests, quirks and so on. I mean, how can they sum up whether you have it or not based on one hourly session??
No, I’m marching on. I’m going to seek a diagnosis, but even it doesn’t come, I know, from life experience and self-knowledge, that I’m at least a part Aspie! Blessings to all
I’m NT, my partner is AS and we both have very strong characters. One way we avoid full blown melt down is the use of a safe word. When it feels like an argument is getting out of control, one of us says the word and we both get time out, like sitting a toddler on the naughty step at calm down after a tanttrum! It may not work for others, but it works for us. And we are able to give each other space without it appearing to be an insult.
I hope this helps someone somewhere to deal with the anger issues which can build to nuclear proportions!
I’m a little late to this party, but maybe someone will be able to benefit from this.
To question 1 from the post: This may or may not be an Asperger thing, because people who do not have Asperger’s sometimes also pull this stunt. The best thing in any case is to have a talk about what you’re feeling (if you’re still together, or if someone’s in a similar situation) and let them know how you feel and see why they do it. I am an Aspie woman and have never had the urge to hide my husband or any boyfriend I ever had.
To question/situation 2: I don’t think it’s that we’re more angry, I think it’s the meltdowns. We have them, and a lot of times, when we’re in relationships that don’t turn “off” (like our friendships can when we go home and can be alone), the person we’re in a relationship with experiences these meltdowns and can even contribute to them. Something that is important is to realize that when we’re having a meltdown, it’s not because we’re angry at you the vast majority, if not all, of the time. It’s because we’ve passed the threshold of stimulation that we can take and we’re shutting down. When we continue to receive stimulation, this can nudge us over the edge and cause a huge blow-up. This has caused problems between me and my husband because he didn’t listen when I tried to communicate to him that I needed him to back off and stop talking to me altogether when I’m having a meltdown. He thought he was doing a good thing to try to cheer me up. Other people’s partners might be confused about requests to be alone, or be upset because the meltdown is coming at an inconvenient time, and continue to proceed when the Aspie REALLY needs a time out.
It’s hard being an Aspie and being in a relationship with a person who is NT. It is really, really hard. But it’s do-able if both the Aspie and the NT are committed and understand as much as they can about the other person (yes, us Aspies need to learn what we can about nypical thought–it can’t always be about us and our special needs). The more my husband and I learn about Asperger’s, the better we are able to cope and the better he’s able to understand my different needs.
Hi! i started dating someone with Asperger’s. We hit it off really quickly – we would take each other out to amazing dates and he took me on a trip all within a 3 weeks of knowing one another. Literally and figuratively he swept me off my feet. He was really persistent… which i loved. We are exclusive and called each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Once we came back from our trip, We were back into the real world and dealing with actually getting to know one another. A few days after getting back he got really sick, for about 2 weeks – and even though we were talking/texting he would not let me come by. I can respect that he did want to get me sick. A few days before Christmas, he had a chance to jump a plane to go home. We did not get a chance to see each other before he left. Since being home he had fallen a bit outta touch and now, has totally fallen off the face of the earth. He had brought up future plans and kids. I know that aspies can’t lie and he wouldn’t have said that to play games with me. but this total lack of communication is hurtful and I will let him know (in a very sweet and caring manner). After reading a few other posts, it doesn’t seem that uncommon now, but I would still like to hear other experiences or insight. I wrote him a very casual email asking if everything was ok. I hope to hear back from him soon (its been 2 days), and i have very good intuition that he will. But i would like get my expectations set. he should be getting back into town soon. I am patient and I am very loving. If he was any other guy, I can take a hint – but any wisdom is greatly appreciated!!!
I was just DX with AS and even as 28 year old adult I see that all that signs were there all along. Iv’e been in and out of Anger Management and it never really seemed to get to the root of the issues. And have recently started therapy due to some relationship issues with my boyfriend, we have been together 4 years. But many of these AS issues are causing issues in our relationship. We at the time didn’t know why I was acting this way or what was wrong, but after a serious discussion with my partner I went, and that’s when I was DX.
Now having a reason for my actions just makes me feel worse. I am a mother to 4 amazing children but I couldn’t understand why I felt that they were more of a burden than a joy. My love for them isn’t in question it’s understanding why I can’t just have a normal day since really, with 4 babies there is nothing predictable.
I grow upset and angry more often than not and just want joy in my life. When my children are older I want them to remember the good and not the “UPSET” person I have seen in myself.
I need some advice in in ” How to get my partner to love me and trust me ” and to ” understand that when there is a issue due to the AS it’s really something I am WORKING on with Behavior Therapy ” and it’s not me being selfish.
Any advice would be great!
Jen