Kate has a saying that she used quite frequently – “It can’t rain all the time.” Right now in my life its raining. Today I was released from a hospital after being suicidal. Today I was reminiscing and looking through old emails and I spotted the last email I sent Katelyn before I lost communication with her due to her Guardian. It was a song, Kate and I often communicated with music to communicate our emotions. The song I sent Katelyn was Stand In The Rain by Superchick. I watched the video and I saw several things that reminded me of Katelyn and I in our relationship. I’m just going to comment on me in this post as I can’t speak for Katelyn.
Scared to cry the first tear: I have a lot of baggage I carry around, most of it very painful memories from experiences in my life. I have been afraid to face these things, afraid to face these memories as all I do is cry when I think about them, and to be honest I’m afraid of them – but I have too.
Throwing the glass: Katelyn was a cutter, and during our relationship she relapsed. I remember once driving down the street and seeing Katelyn in her backyard coldly staring at her hand. I immediately knew something was wrong, I could feel it. Katelyn threw a glass at the back of the garage and glass shattered everywhere, and it cut her hand. Katelyn used cutting to cope with pain, not to get attention. I remember waking up just after she cut for her first relapse after her and I had an argument, I felt so much pain during that time all I could do was just hold her – because I needed to be held.
The only way out is going through what your running from: I run from my baggage, I don’t face it. Because my baggage caught up with me I’m now single. If I want Katelyn back ever – I need to stand my ground and face my baggage.
The guy driving: One of the things I would do when I get frustrated with Kate is go for a drive. I would go down the road to the store and pick up the raspberry tea she liked and a Mountain Dew and then come back and talk it out with her.
The End: The guy comes back. I hope to come back into Katelyn’s life once I get through my baggage.
Katelyn has left me, while I’m in the hospital. I don’t blame her as I was really stressing her out. I did some looking at how I behaved when I started melting down, and I really hurt her. Its hard to live with that pain – so its time I quit running and face my baggage. I’m going to be more proactive at getting myself through the pain instead of running and maintaining status quo. Its time I stand through the rain, and get through this – not just for myself but for Katelyn and my daughter to be as well.
I don’t know if I’m going to get Katelyn back in the future, but right now I’m going to work on me. But I made Katelyn a promise when I asked her to marry me – that I would be faithful to her for life. I intend on keeping it, and I’m not going to be dating anyone else and if I have lost her forever I will be single forever. I just know it can’t rain all the time.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
“I don’t know if I’m going to get Katelyn back in the future, but right now I’m going to work on me.”
For what it’s worth, Zachary, I think that’s about the best thing you can do. And it’s a relieving thing to see that you’ve managed to get to that point. I’m not sure there’s much else you can do, other than that, really; and I don’t mean to say that in a resigning and negative way… I get a feeling that sometimes, circumstances constrain us into certain ways of working or doing things, and these constraints can push is either one way or another. In your case, you have – because of the (at least, hopefully, temporary) loss of one opportunity – a definite other opportunity to do some developmental work with yourself. I’d like to urge you to use that, and use it well. If nothing else, you’ll then have an end result that would demonstrate the errantness of the views of certain people who have adversely influenced your life, Katelyn’s life and the life of the child you made with each other. Just now, this is the best you can do for both of them.
Sitting tight and working on this won’t be easy. But… it will demonstrate something better in you than those people have ever had in themselves.
As we say here in Finland, ‘onnea matkaan!’
Best wishes,
David
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I have to admit its hard to try and not think about Katelyn as I love her so much, and then add the pregnancy and its almost impossible.
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There is that strength I just mentioned! It is good to see it my friend! I have a saying. You have to be able to stand on your own before you can stand behind someone else. It has always rang true for me. You must be complete, whole, and happy with yourself first. BVeing the barrer of great baggage myself, trapped still in flashbacks, I do find that confronting and going through that pain, acknowleding it is there and realizing there are some things I just can’t change have been a saving grace. Therapy has helped a great deal. And realizing I am who I am because of the things that have happened to me and likeing and accepting me has helped as well.
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I like this site, good job!
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Well done Zach, you’re sounding a lot more positive.
You can do these things – you know you can.
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