I don’t know how to start this post, but I spent 11 days in the hospital. A lot has happened, a lot needs to be discussed, and a lot of pain still remains. So lets start out with the solid facts. First lets deal with facts around me. I have found through a lot of thinking I tend to do some very distructive things to the people I need most when I need them the most. I have trouble asking for help – instead opting to hurt those around me when asking for help. I did this to Katelyn, I did this to Suzanne (Kate’s mother), I did this to a lot of people. I need to learn to ask for help. Katelyn’s mother posted something back in the suicide note that puts it pretty well:
Zach often says things to me that he does not mean and I do not take them personally. [...] Zach vents in a most peculiar fashion, and he does apologize and I forgive. I am a christian, I have no choice but to forgive. I have been forgiven much myself.
One of those things was leaving a message on Suzanne’s answering machine. That I no longer wanted to be with Kate, and Kate heard that. I now have to live with the fact that I no longer am able to be with the one I love because I don’t know how to vent, or how to ask for help – or perhaps I’m too scared to.
Am I any better – yes and no. Friends tell me I’m doing much better – able to think much clearer, and even a bit less obsessive. But I don’t feel any better to be honest. I infact feel so much worse and am infact tearing up as I type this. I have to live with the fact that I hurt, and lost the person I love most because I was to scared to ask for help, and I didn’t know how to vent. On top of that I have to live with the fact that I hurt the person I love most by abandoning her when I was venting.
On top of that I have to live with the fact I’m going to loose my daughter. I will have no say in what parents it goes to, I will have no say in anything about my daughter. I don’t know if I am ever going to see my daughter to be honest. This is very painful to me, and its only my fault.
I have to say the only thing Suzanne (Kate’s mom) is guilty of is caring to much. She had a hard time letting go of her daughter, who she spent many nights keeping alive when she was just a little one, who she adopted most likely not expecting to live long. Suzanne has every right to be angry with me. I took something from her daughter that was not mine, got her daughter pregnant, and basically turned their lives upside down. This causes even more pain for me.
And just to add even more pain, I’m going through this pain of loosing my daughter – loosing the love of my life – loosing almost everything alone, with just my dog.
I would like to say sorry to Kate, and Suzanne and their family for all the trouble I caused.
Right now I need to finish getting better, so posts will be less frequent.
I made Suzanne a promise when I first started dating Kate, which included no sex before marriage and a lot of other promises I broke. One thing led to another, to another and then ….yea. I’ve decided I’m going to now be a man of my word. I made a comittment to Katelyn that I would be with her through the storms in life – but because I abandoned her, left her alone I broke that promise. Well, I’m going to say that unless Katelyn and I get back together I will remain forever single. No one will ever fill the role that Katelyn filled in my life. I let sin, and lies fill our relationship and thats my fault.
But now I can only get better and hope…. hope that Kate will let me back in her life, hope that I will get to see my daughter, hope that everyone will be happy again, hope that Suzanne will forgive me, hope that Kate will forgive me, hope I can be part of the adoption process. Hope is whats keeping me going right now, but I have a feeling its all going to turn into disappointment.
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You have my support in whatever path you decide to take. It is good to see you level headed. I am truly sorry for your pain, and I hope things may one day turn again towards you being again with the love of your life! I truly do, and all of you will be in my prayers! May you prosper in the healing process and who knows, nothing is concrete my friend. Perhaps in time, you will still be able to be a part of your daughter’s life!
Now I don’t know you very well, but I tend to be highly sensitive to others pain and you are a good person so…*hug*